Jack saw the plastic surgeon today for his one week post-op appointment. Dr. L. said that it looked like it was healing well, and that if a fistula (hole) was going to form at this point, there isn't much we can do about it. He said that chances are that there will be no fistula, but he pointed out a couple of locations where they could possibly develop. And yes, Jack is still on liquids/baby food consistency until Tuesday. Blah.
He hates hates hates his current diet. I am not sure what he hates more - that he can't have normal food or that we don't let him have full control over the spoons and syringes we use to feed him. For a kid with food control issues, this is a killer. His diet right now is mostly yogurt, baby food bananas, hummus, and Pediasure milkshakes. And he is eating less - he is kind of bored with it. Who can blame him? There are only so many times you can eat baby oatmeal without wanting to fling it at the wall.
And one thing I have learned: baby food is just as nasty now as it was ten years ago when I fed it to Ben. Yay.
On the bright side, he isn't in any pain, we are finished with all medications, and he is back in his own bed (even if he still isn't sleeping through the night). He is also using a B sound now. I just got serenaded with a beautiful song called "Ma-ma-ba-ma-ba-ba". It was awesome. We are praying that he won't develop any fistulas and that his healing will continue over the course of the next months and years.
Showing posts with label attachment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Dear Jack,
I feel like you and I are still getting to know each other... there are still so many things I want to know about you! But at the same time, I feel like I have learned a lot in the last three months. And with knowing you better, comes loving you more.
I love the way that you run across a room, arms open wide to greet me with a hug and a kiss, even though you just hugged me a minute and a half ago.
I love the way you grin at me when you know that I understand that you want more milk.
I love it when I am laying down in your bed with you and you lean over and give me a kiss. I also love it when you put your sweet little hand on my cheek.
I love how you work so hard to learn new things. Like yesterday, you were determined to pick up that toy hamburger with your toy spatula and put it in the pan. You would scream every time you dropped it, but then you would pick it up and try it again. And eventually you did it, and you were so proud of yourself.
I love how you are starting to sign more and more. You can sign "more" and "milk" fairly well, but we are still working on "water" and "eat". I am confident that you are going to do it. You are determined, and so am I.
I love that you will eat almost anything I put in front you. As long as the person next to you doesn't have something different. If they do, you want their food instead.
I love how you play independently. You can play with your cars or your blocks for several minutes at a time. You want me in the room (and would prefer it if I were playing with you), but you can do this while I wash dishes or fold laundry.
I love how you are starting to trust me. Sometimes you might be scared, but when you are in my arms your fears seem to melt away a bit. I am glad you are learning that I will keep you safe.
I love it when you walk with your hands behind your back. You look like a little old man. It is the cutest thing I ever saw.
I love being your mama. And I love that you are starting to call me that.
I love the way that you run across a room, arms open wide to greet me with a hug and a kiss, even though you just hugged me a minute and a half ago.
I love the way you grin at me when you know that I understand that you want more milk.
I love it when I am laying down in your bed with you and you lean over and give me a kiss. I also love it when you put your sweet little hand on my cheek.
I love how you work so hard to learn new things. Like yesterday, you were determined to pick up that toy hamburger with your toy spatula and put it in the pan. You would scream every time you dropped it, but then you would pick it up and try it again. And eventually you did it, and you were so proud of yourself.
I love how you are starting to sign more and more. You can sign "more" and "milk" fairly well, but we are still working on "water" and "eat". I am confident that you are going to do it. You are determined, and so am I.
I love that you will eat almost anything I put in front you. As long as the person next to you doesn't have something different. If they do, you want their food instead.
I love how you play independently. You can play with your cars or your blocks for several minutes at a time. You want me in the room (and would prefer it if I were playing with you), but you can do this while I wash dishes or fold laundry.
I love how you are starting to trust me. Sometimes you might be scared, but when you are in my arms your fears seem to melt away a bit. I am glad you are learning that I will keep you safe.
I love it when you walk with your hands behind your back. You look like a little old man. It is the cutest thing I ever saw.
I love being your mama. And I love that you are starting to call me that.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Where We Are
My life right now is a lot like having a three month old in the house who can walk. He can't communicate his needs, which means he cries a lot. He isn't feeling very well and is having some sleeping issues, which means Tim and I aren't sleeping much. Add to that that he wants to be held all of the time, and when he is not he is following me around the house. That is my life.
(Which means there is not a lot of down time right now for writing. Don't be surprised if this lacks coherence. I may have to hit Publish without proofreading.)
Thankfully I have a lot of gracious friends and relatives who are helping lots with the big kids. They have already been on more trips and adventures this summer than I could count on one hand - church camp, the lake, my aunt's, my uncle Ricky's pool, plus our family vacation to North Carolina with Tim's family. At the moment Kate is at the movies with my mom, and the boys are on an adventure with my dad and Jee in San Diego.
Jack is thankfully taking a nap, but every few minutes he cries in his sleep. I should probably be napping too, considering how little sleep I got last night, but these moments alone are few and far between. I feel the need to hoard them, doing small things that I enjoy rather than the laundry that is waiting for me downstairs.
I also feel the need to attempt to express something about our family dynamics at the moment. (Other than the fact that I keep shipping my kids off.) Jack seems to have decided that Kate NaNa is his buddy. When I am otherwise occupied she helps him go up and down the stairs, she helps him put on his pjs, and she can find his bottle and other beloved comfort items. However, she is not without jealousy. She occasionally drinks out of his bottle herself and wears his bibs.
The boys love him, but they are often loud and in his face. Which means that Jack thinks that he should scream at them anytime they get near him. Which means that they think that he doesn't like them because he is always screaming at them. I have tried to explain the circular logic at work here and how they can change this dynamic. Ben is starting to pick up on how to handle Jack gently. Will (typically The Baby Whisperer) is just mad that Jack doesn't adore him the same way other small children do.
Jack and I are still very much trying to figure each other out. I don't think I have a full grasp of what this transition will eventually look like because I am still smack-dab in the middle of it, desperate for a hot meal and a full eight hours. Someday maybe I will sit down and put the right words to it, but for now this feeble attempt will have to do.
The first month together was the honeymoon period. The second month together was reality hitting him (and us) in the face that this was going to be harder than we thought. We really had to back up and focus on Jack's needs and attachment.
This past month has been a dance where we move two steps forward and one step back. Which thankfully adds up to more steps forward than back, but is still a lot of extra steps. As I said earlier, he wants me to hold him, wants me near him, and seeks me out for comfort. And all of this is very good and necessary work that needs to go on in our relationship. But in the next minute he will refuse to let me help him, throw a toy at me, and then look miserable that I have no idea what he is trying to tell me. Also very normal behavior.
But that doesn't mean that I am not exhausted. I am tired. Unless you are a doctor's office, I have done a terrible job at returning your emails and phone calls. I haven't read a good book or my favorite blogs in weeks because there is no alone time, and I really need to be present with my kids when they are with me anyway, especially in this time when all four of my kids are so very needy of my attention and time.
Tim and I have a friend who likes to say, "Four is a challenge." I used to laugh when he said it, but those are the truest words in my life right now. Learning this new dance of being a family of six is fun and exciting, but I am doing a lot of tripping over my own feet at the moment. Thank you to everyone who is blessing us with the space on the dance floor to work out the moves. I think I will get it eventually.
(Which means there is not a lot of down time right now for writing. Don't be surprised if this lacks coherence. I may have to hit Publish without proofreading.)
Thankfully I have a lot of gracious friends and relatives who are helping lots with the big kids. They have already been on more trips and adventures this summer than I could count on one hand - church camp, the lake, my aunt's, my uncle Ricky's pool, plus our family vacation to North Carolina with Tim's family. At the moment Kate is at the movies with my mom, and the boys are on an adventure with my dad and Jee in San Diego.
Jack is thankfully taking a nap, but every few minutes he cries in his sleep. I should probably be napping too, considering how little sleep I got last night, but these moments alone are few and far between. I feel the need to hoard them, doing small things that I enjoy rather than the laundry that is waiting for me downstairs.
I also feel the need to attempt to express something about our family dynamics at the moment. (Other than the fact that I keep shipping my kids off.) Jack seems to have decided that Kate NaNa is his buddy. When I am otherwise occupied she helps him go up and down the stairs, she helps him put on his pjs, and she can find his bottle and other beloved comfort items. However, she is not without jealousy. She occasionally drinks out of his bottle herself and wears his bibs.
The boys love him, but they are often loud and in his face. Which means that Jack thinks that he should scream at them anytime they get near him. Which means that they think that he doesn't like them because he is always screaming at them. I have tried to explain the circular logic at work here and how they can change this dynamic. Ben is starting to pick up on how to handle Jack gently. Will (typically The Baby Whisperer) is just mad that Jack doesn't adore him the same way other small children do.
Jack and I are still very much trying to figure each other out. I don't think I have a full grasp of what this transition will eventually look like because I am still smack-dab in the middle of it, desperate for a hot meal and a full eight hours. Someday maybe I will sit down and put the right words to it, but for now this feeble attempt will have to do.
The first month together was the honeymoon period. The second month together was reality hitting him (and us) in the face that this was going to be harder than we thought. We really had to back up and focus on Jack's needs and attachment.
This past month has been a dance where we move two steps forward and one step back. Which thankfully adds up to more steps forward than back, but is still a lot of extra steps. As I said earlier, he wants me to hold him, wants me near him, and seeks me out for comfort. And all of this is very good and necessary work that needs to go on in our relationship. But in the next minute he will refuse to let me help him, throw a toy at me, and then look miserable that I have no idea what he is trying to tell me. Also very normal behavior.
But that doesn't mean that I am not exhausted. I am tired. Unless you are a doctor's office, I have done a terrible job at returning your emails and phone calls. I haven't read a good book or my favorite blogs in weeks because there is no alone time, and I really need to be present with my kids when they are with me anyway, especially in this time when all four of my kids are so very needy of my attention and time.
Tim and I have a friend who likes to say, "Four is a challenge." I used to laugh when he said it, but those are the truest words in my life right now. Learning this new dance of being a family of six is fun and exciting, but I am doing a lot of tripping over my own feet at the moment. Thank you to everyone who is blessing us with the space on the dance floor to work out the moves. I think I will get it eventually.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Honeymoon Period is Over
Sometimes when a child is adopted, everything goes really well. Everyone puts their best foot forward in an effort to please. The parents have an unlimited patience with the child, and the child is agreeable, loveable, and basically angelic. Sometimes this is called the honeymoon period in adoption circles. But as all parents know - whether your kids are adopted or not - this is an unnatural state. At some point, the honeymoon will come to an end.
Reality has set in at our house in the last couple of days.
When we brought Jack home, he was super easy-going. He rarely cried. He freely gave out hugs and kisses to us. He happily went to bed, smiling at us as he fell asleep. He came to us when he needed something. And because all of this was going so well (and because Tim and I have been flat-out exhausted) we got lazy with our attachment parenting. We have let him wander off and grab other people's hands or ask to be picked up. We have let various relatives and close friends give him food while we dealt with other children. And while I cringed a little inside, I was too tired to be firm. And I thought, He is doing so well! Why should we worry when nothing is wrong?
And all the adoptive parents out there are shaking their heads at my naivete. (I'm shaking my head too, for good measure.)
Sunday I decided to take Ben and Will to a movie. Just the three of us. It turned out to be good, quality time, which we sorely needed. But Jack noticed that I was gone. For four hours. I had never done that before.
When I returned I offered to give Jack his bottle while Tim got the others ready for bed. Now, Jack and I have always had a little control battle going on around food. He wants to dictate when, where, what, and how much, but I know that this is a sign of distrust and of potential food issues. And so I have danced around it, offering lots of healthy options whenever he is hungry, and sometimes when he is not hungry. For example, when he sees anyone eating, he demands food right that moment, even if he ate five minutes ago.
So. Jack and his bottle.
I immediately noticed that not only would he not let me hold the bottle for him, he wouldn't even let me touch it. He cries when I do. He refuses to look at me during this interaction and is constantly trying to turn his body so his back is to me. In bed, he clutches the bottle like I am trying to steal it. He hits, pushes, and turns his back on me.
And the whole time I am thinking that this is a full-blown Kate NaNa attachment fit. Some of you haven't been around long enough to know this, but Kate NaNa used to despise me. During the day she liked me fine, but at night she wanted me to leave her completely alone. She oozed distrust and anger. And so I started crawling in bed with her every night. When she hit me, I would kiss her hand. When she screamed at me I would tell her I loved her and would never leave her. When she would push me away I would pick her up and dance with her.
And now it is time to do this with Jack. He, of course, doesn't know what to do with this. He has never had a permanent caregiver. He doesn't understand that no matter what, he is staying in this family.
He hits me, and I kiss his fist. He screams at me, and I say, "I love you." He pushes me, and I refuse to move. Over and over I have to show him that I am not going anywhere. No matter what he throws at me, I will always love him. No matter how much he tries to push me away, I will always be his Mama. I am not going anywhere. I will not leave him. I am here to stay.
On a final note, please forgive me when I ask you not to feed my son, or pick him up, or take his hand. I am teaching him that I am his Mama. That he can trust me to feed him, to comfort him, to keep him safe. And to never, ever leave him. Because I am not going anywhere.
(And a special thanks for some attachment posts I have read recently - RQ, Stephanie and Nancy at NHBO. I just didn't know I would need them so soon!)
Reality has set in at our house in the last couple of days.
When we brought Jack home, he was super easy-going. He rarely cried. He freely gave out hugs and kisses to us. He happily went to bed, smiling at us as he fell asleep. He came to us when he needed something. And because all of this was going so well (and because Tim and I have been flat-out exhausted) we got lazy with our attachment parenting. We have let him wander off and grab other people's hands or ask to be picked up. We have let various relatives and close friends give him food while we dealt with other children. And while I cringed a little inside, I was too tired to be firm. And I thought, He is doing so well! Why should we worry when nothing is wrong?
And all the adoptive parents out there are shaking their heads at my naivete. (I'm shaking my head too, for good measure.)
Sunday I decided to take Ben and Will to a movie. Just the three of us. It turned out to be good, quality time, which we sorely needed. But Jack noticed that I was gone. For four hours. I had never done that before.
When I returned I offered to give Jack his bottle while Tim got the others ready for bed. Now, Jack and I have always had a little control battle going on around food. He wants to dictate when, where, what, and how much, but I know that this is a sign of distrust and of potential food issues. And so I have danced around it, offering lots of healthy options whenever he is hungry, and sometimes when he is not hungry. For example, when he sees anyone eating, he demands food right that moment, even if he ate five minutes ago.
So. Jack and his bottle.
I immediately noticed that not only would he not let me hold the bottle for him, he wouldn't even let me touch it. He cries when I do. He refuses to look at me during this interaction and is constantly trying to turn his body so his back is to me. In bed, he clutches the bottle like I am trying to steal it. He hits, pushes, and turns his back on me.
And the whole time I am thinking that this is a full-blown Kate NaNa attachment fit. Some of you haven't been around long enough to know this, but Kate NaNa used to despise me. During the day she liked me fine, but at night she wanted me to leave her completely alone. She oozed distrust and anger. And so I started crawling in bed with her every night. When she hit me, I would kiss her hand. When she screamed at me I would tell her I loved her and would never leave her. When she would push me away I would pick her up and dance with her.
And now it is time to do this with Jack. He, of course, doesn't know what to do with this. He has never had a permanent caregiver. He doesn't understand that no matter what, he is staying in this family.
He hits me, and I kiss his fist. He screams at me, and I say, "I love you." He pushes me, and I refuse to move. Over and over I have to show him that I am not going anywhere. No matter what he throws at me, I will always love him. No matter how much he tries to push me away, I will always be his Mama. I am not going anywhere. I will not leave him. I am here to stay.
On a final note, please forgive me when I ask you not to feed my son, or pick him up, or take his hand. I am teaching him that I am his Mama. That he can trust me to feed him, to comfort him, to keep him safe. And to never, ever leave him. Because I am not going anywhere.
(And a special thanks for some attachment posts I have read recently - RQ, Stephanie and Nancy at NHBO. I just didn't know I would need them so soon!)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
Yes, I know this is a day late. I had a beautiful post in my head on
Saturday night - a tribute to all of the mothers in my life and all
that they have done for me. I have especially been missing my Ma-Ma and
my Bunk, and wanted to write about them.
But that didn't happen.
(And you know that when I write a single sentence fragment as a whole paragraph, that I am getting ready to launch into a rant, right?)
Where did we get the idea that Mother's Day is this glorious time where everyone celebrates mom and caters to her every desire? Because that has never happened at my house. Not even a little bit. Never. At my house, my husband (whom I love, but for the purpose of this story is not the hero) gets up and leaves for work on Mother's Day before I have even considered getting out of bed. Because it is Sunday and that is what pastors do on a Sunday. Except, oh yeah, I did get out of bed several times in the wee hours of the morning to help one kid vomit into the toilet after eating too much junk food at a baseball game last night. Oh yeah, and to get another crying child out of his bed and into mine before he woke up three other children. (Although in the husband's defense, he did take the crying child from me so that I could go back to sleep for a little while before I had to get up. Maybe he is the hero of the story. Or at least one of them. Huh.)
Then Mom has to get the children who are neither crying nor vomiting ready for church and there on time (or at least within 30 minutes of said time for church). When the children and husband arrive back home from church, the four smallest of the crew want to sit on Mom's lap at the same time. Which is lovely in sentiment and theory, but is distressing to a mother who wants to avoid two of said children from cold cocking each other.
At which point Mom goes into the kitchen to get some water. And realizes that no one has bothered to clean up one single dish from the lunch that she cooked. On Mother's Day. And so she clears the table, loads the dishwasher, washes the dishes that don't go into the dishwasher, wipes down counters and table, sweeps the floor, and at some point realizes that she needs an escape hatch.
At which point Mom grabs the Kindle, the car keys, and her wallet and leaves.
After cooling off for an hour or so, Mom decides she misses the little boogers and goes back to get the two bigs for a movie date. Mom and her big boys really do enjoy themselves, and this is the one point in the story where true appreciation is shown to Mom. Because she did something she never ever ever does. She let them watch a PG-13 movie. And so naturally the bigs are very appreciative and kind. And Mom can't believe she stooped so low just to get a thank you out of her children.
Upon returning to the nest, the smallest bird has decided that he Does. Not. Like. It. when Mom thinks that she can just up and leave and then she returns and expects everything to be normal. Oh, no. No, he decides he is not happy with Mama for that one. And he spends the next few hours refusing to let her give him a bottle, look her in the eye, or let her put him to bed.
I wish I could say that Mother's Day is typically a really great day for us, but honestly, this story is typical of my Mother's Days. Except we don't usually throw attachment issues in there. That one was a new bonus for Mother's Day.
And now you know why, when Tim asks me what I want for Mother's Day, I tell him I want to crawl in bed.
But that didn't happen.
(And you know that when I write a single sentence fragment as a whole paragraph, that I am getting ready to launch into a rant, right?)
Where did we get the idea that Mother's Day is this glorious time where everyone celebrates mom and caters to her every desire? Because that has never happened at my house. Not even a little bit. Never. At my house, my husband (whom I love, but for the purpose of this story is not the hero) gets up and leaves for work on Mother's Day before I have even considered getting out of bed. Because it is Sunday and that is what pastors do on a Sunday. Except, oh yeah, I did get out of bed several times in the wee hours of the morning to help one kid vomit into the toilet after eating too much junk food at a baseball game last night. Oh yeah, and to get another crying child out of his bed and into mine before he woke up three other children. (Although in the husband's defense, he did take the crying child from me so that I could go back to sleep for a little while before I had to get up. Maybe he is the hero of the story. Or at least one of them. Huh.)
Then Mom has to get the children who are neither crying nor vomiting ready for church and there on time (or at least within 30 minutes of said time for church). When the children and husband arrive back home from church, the four smallest of the crew want to sit on Mom's lap at the same time. Which is lovely in sentiment and theory, but is distressing to a mother who wants to avoid two of said children from cold cocking each other.
At which point Mom goes into the kitchen to get some water. And realizes that no one has bothered to clean up one single dish from the lunch that she cooked. On Mother's Day. And so she clears the table, loads the dishwasher, washes the dishes that don't go into the dishwasher, wipes down counters and table, sweeps the floor, and at some point realizes that she needs an escape hatch.
At which point Mom grabs the Kindle, the car keys, and her wallet and leaves.
After cooling off for an hour or so, Mom decides she misses the little boogers and goes back to get the two bigs for a movie date. Mom and her big boys really do enjoy themselves, and this is the one point in the story where true appreciation is shown to Mom. Because she did something she never ever ever does. She let them watch a PG-13 movie. And so naturally the bigs are very appreciative and kind. And Mom can't believe she stooped so low just to get a thank you out of her children.
Upon returning to the nest, the smallest bird has decided that he Does. Not. Like. It. when Mom thinks that she can just up and leave and then she returns and expects everything to be normal. Oh, no. No, he decides he is not happy with Mama for that one. And he spends the next few hours refusing to let her give him a bottle, look her in the eye, or let her put him to bed.
I wish I could say that Mother's Day is typically a really great day for us, but honestly, this story is typical of my Mother's Days. Except we don't usually throw attachment issues in there. That one was a new bonus for Mother's Day.
And now you know why, when Tim asks me what I want for Mother's Day, I tell him I want to crawl in bed.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Jack: 4 Weeks With Us
There will be more medical/developmental reports when I have time to write them up, but for now, a general "settling in" post.
Jack is still feeling kind of yucky, between his cold and his ear infection. His symptoms were fewer today, but he just seemed kind of "off". He wanted to be held a lot and didn't want me out of his sight. These aren't bad things to occur in an adopted child. It is a good thing that he is seeking me out for comfort. It is a wonderful thing.
Today during his naptime and tonight at bedtime, I laid down with him. He would first lie down next to me, and then he would sit up and rearrange himself on top of me. Then, he would raise his head up, give me a big open-mouthed kiss, and then lay his head back on my chest. Over and over he did this. I think part of it is him learning to imitate me. Not that I give him open-mouthed kisses, mind:) But I do lean down and give him kisses when I am changing his clothes or putting him down for a nap, so I think he was trying to be like me. I also think his comfort level with us is increasing. He has always been a cuddle-bug, but the hugs and kisses are getting more frequent.
And last, a picture of Jack and my Emery, who I used to babysit. I know they look cute, but this was just before they both decided to start screaming and talking loudly in the middle of church. They didn't stay there much longer before their mamas had to drag them out crying. It also looks like they might be friends here right? Well, Emery is trying really hard to make friends, but Jack isn't sure what to make of this guy yet. I'm sure Emery will keep trying:)
Jack is still feeling kind of yucky, between his cold and his ear infection. His symptoms were fewer today, but he just seemed kind of "off". He wanted to be held a lot and didn't want me out of his sight. These aren't bad things to occur in an adopted child. It is a good thing that he is seeking me out for comfort. It is a wonderful thing.
Today during his naptime and tonight at bedtime, I laid down with him. He would first lie down next to me, and then he would sit up and rearrange himself on top of me. Then, he would raise his head up, give me a big open-mouthed kiss, and then lay his head back on my chest. Over and over he did this. I think part of it is him learning to imitate me. Not that I give him open-mouthed kisses, mind:) But I do lean down and give him kisses when I am changing his clothes or putting him down for a nap, so I think he was trying to be like me. I also think his comfort level with us is increasing. He has always been a cuddle-bug, but the hugs and kisses are getting more frequent.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
All About Jack
As promised, it's time to talk more about Jack...
When he is happy or just waking up, he is a total cuddle-bug. He will look up at me, grin, and then bury his head in my chest. When asked by one of us, he will give a big, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss. (Will claims he gets the most kisses, which is ironic considering Will's food-sharing aversion.)
When he is playing, he will look over at me and smile this big toothy smile. Overall, he has a really easy-going personality. He likes to play with the stacking cups/balls, the Elmo radio that someone gave us when we had Ben, and anything on my Kindle Fire. If he is concentrating really hard he sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth.
He is a charmer. He flashes that smile at people, and grins extra wide when he is doing something he knows that he shouldn't.
He has some stranger anxiety going on, especially for adults. If you see us out and about and he shakes his head no at you, he wants you to keep your distance.
When he is cranky, it is because he his either hungry, or he wants to GO! Go out in the yard, somewhere in the car, out to the mailbox - he doesn't care, as long as we are going somewhere. If he sees someone at church with shoes and a jacket on, he will forget his stranger anxiety, grab their hand, and try to leave the building. If he does this to you, you probably shouldn't encourage it, even though it is totally adorable and you will want to follow him anywhere.
He likes to eat. Anything. He definitely has preferences - cereal, raisins, rice, noodles - but he will eat just about anything. Today he has eaten Cheerios, raisins, turkey, noodle soup, a pickle, grapes, potato chips, watermelon, bread, and half of an apple. Plus a bottle. And it's only 4:30. He is getting a nice, round belly:)
He loves all of his siblings, but Will is the most patient with him, and therefore the one who usually ends up playing with him. We call Will the Baby Whisperer.
We are all trying to teach him how to go "boom" down the stairs. My niece Bri taught my boys how to do it when they were little, and now they are teaching Jack.
We have tried to introduce a few signs, but they haven't caught on yet. It is still very early.
Even though it is very early, he is already trying really hard to repeat our words. In China he was trying to repeat "hat" when Tim put one of the stacking cups on his head. Yesterday when he finished his lunch he said, "Ah Gah!" which sounded an awful lot like, "All gone!" Today I was telling him about socks and he made the short O sound. Pretty impressive for someone who just entered the country a week ago.
He is now sleeping in his room with his sister. Tim or I will lay down with him until he falls asleep, and if he cries out (which has happened every night so far, several times) we go to him and lay back down with him. He is responding pretty well to this, and we are all sleeping more than we were a few days ago, even if we do wake up confused about what room/bed we are in. The pack and play was not working well, and our bed isn't big enough for him to windmill between us all night.
Bonding and attachment are going well. We move forward, then back, then forward again. But he is definitely more attached than he was a week ago, which is more than a week before that, so I am optimistic about that.
I have spent most of my time this week on the phone making appointments. In the next couple weeks he will see an IA pediatrician, a dentist, an audiologist, a plastic surgeon, an early intervention coordinator and an evaluator, a speech and language pathologist, and quite possibly an ENT. I have called the insurance company and am trying to coordinate them with all of these care providers so that they will let us be seen (why does no one take my word for it that he has insurance?).
He is amazing. I am falling for him so quickly. Everyone around him is completely smitten. Just wait. You will be too:)
When he is playing, he will look over at me and smile this big toothy smile. Overall, he has a really easy-going personality. He likes to play with the stacking cups/balls, the Elmo radio that someone gave us when we had Ben, and anything on my Kindle Fire. If he is concentrating really hard he sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth.
He is a charmer. He flashes that smile at people, and grins extra wide when he is doing something he knows that he shouldn't.
He has some stranger anxiety going on, especially for adults. If you see us out and about and he shakes his head no at you, he wants you to keep your distance.
When he is cranky, it is because he his either hungry, or he wants to GO! Go out in the yard, somewhere in the car, out to the mailbox - he doesn't care, as long as we are going somewhere. If he sees someone at church with shoes and a jacket on, he will forget his stranger anxiety, grab their hand, and try to leave the building. If he does this to you, you probably shouldn't encourage it, even though it is totally adorable and you will want to follow him anywhere.
He likes to eat. Anything. He definitely has preferences - cereal, raisins, rice, noodles - but he will eat just about anything. Today he has eaten Cheerios, raisins, turkey, noodle soup, a pickle, grapes, potato chips, watermelon, bread, and half of an apple. Plus a bottle. And it's only 4:30. He is getting a nice, round belly:)
He loves all of his siblings, but Will is the most patient with him, and therefore the one who usually ends up playing with him. We call Will the Baby Whisperer.
We are all trying to teach him how to go "boom" down the stairs. My niece Bri taught my boys how to do it when they were little, and now they are teaching Jack.
Even though it is very early, he is already trying really hard to repeat our words. In China he was trying to repeat "hat" when Tim put one of the stacking cups on his head. Yesterday when he finished his lunch he said, "Ah Gah!" which sounded an awful lot like, "All gone!" Today I was telling him about socks and he made the short O sound. Pretty impressive for someone who just entered the country a week ago.
He is now sleeping in his room with his sister. Tim or I will lay down with him until he falls asleep, and if he cries out (which has happened every night so far, several times) we go to him and lay back down with him. He is responding pretty well to this, and we are all sleeping more than we were a few days ago, even if we do wake up confused about what room/bed we are in. The pack and play was not working well, and our bed isn't big enough for him to windmill between us all night.
Bonding and attachment are going well. We move forward, then back, then forward again. But he is definitely more attached than he was a week ago, which is more than a week before that, so I am optimistic about that.
I have spent most of my time this week on the phone making appointments. In the next couple weeks he will see an IA pediatrician, a dentist, an audiologist, a plastic surgeon, an early intervention coordinator and an evaluator, a speech and language pathologist, and quite possibly an ENT. I have called the insurance company and am trying to coordinate them with all of these care providers so that they will let us be seen (why does no one take my word for it that he has insurance?).
He is amazing. I am falling for him so quickly. Everyone around him is completely smitten. Just wait. You will be too:)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Happy Kate NaNa Day!
Today is the two year anniversary of the day I first met my daughter. She is now so completely a mama's girl, that it is hard to imagine that she ever pushed me away. But in those first few days, she was grieving hard, and when she cried for Mama, I was not the mama she wanted.
You can see Tim's post (with video of our first meeting and later bonding over chocolate) of that first day together here. And you can see my version of it all here. (If you want to read about the whole trip, you can pull up October 2008 from the archives on the sidebar.)
Kate NaNa, you are the most wonderful, resilient, amazing, strong, beautiful daughter in the world. I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you to the moon and back. 
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Bits of Brilliance
I follow a lot of blogs. One click on my profile will show you that I really have an addiction. Recently I tried to purge some from my list so that I would spend less time on the computer, but unfortunately I have found others to take their place. Oh well.
I think the reason I keep reading is because sometimes others can speak what is in your heart, or teach you something that had never occurred to you, or just bring you peace. They make me feel less alone than the voices in my head.
This week I read several posts that make me think really hard about love and God and adoption and the least of these. Things I can't stop thinking about. Things I want to share with everybody.
So today you get to reap the benefits of my addiction.
We'll start with Carrie, who lives and serves in China. Last week she threw a birthday party for a little girl who is in foster care. (While you are over there, you might consider clicking on the Chip-In link to help little Kiah get the heart surgery she needs.) Beautiful.
And then there is Katie from Amazima Ministries in Uganda. She is working with an extraordinary group of women there, not to mention serving her community and parenting a boatload of kids. Amazing.
Christine at Welcome to My Brain is encouraging parents of children with RAD. Her thoughts on therapeutic parenting and love totally challenge parents (in a good way), even for those of us not parenting kids with serious attachment issues. Empowering.
TongguMomma talks about God and adoption, but it isn't at all what you are expecting. And I think it's wonderful. In fact, it reminded me of Katie's post about her work in Uganda (see above). Thoughtful.
And last but not least, it always makes me smile to read about Cheeky over at And Then There Were Seven. Go read her momma's words about love and refilling her "dry well". Inspirational.
I think the reason I keep reading is because sometimes others can speak what is in your heart, or teach you something that had never occurred to you, or just bring you peace. They make me feel less alone than the voices in my head.
This week I read several posts that make me think really hard about love and God and adoption and the least of these. Things I can't stop thinking about. Things I want to share with everybody.
So today you get to reap the benefits of my addiction.
We'll start with Carrie, who lives and serves in China. Last week she threw a birthday party for a little girl who is in foster care. (While you are over there, you might consider clicking on the Chip-In link to help little Kiah get the heart surgery she needs.) Beautiful.
And then there is Katie from Amazima Ministries in Uganda. She is working with an extraordinary group of women there, not to mention serving her community and parenting a boatload of kids. Amazing.
Christine at Welcome to My Brain is encouraging parents of children with RAD. Her thoughts on therapeutic parenting and love totally challenge parents (in a good way), even for those of us not parenting kids with serious attachment issues. Empowering.
TongguMomma talks about God and adoption, but it isn't at all what you are expecting. And I think it's wonderful. In fact, it reminded me of Katie's post about her work in Uganda (see above). Thoughtful.
And last but not least, it always makes me smile to read about Cheeky over at And Then There Were Seven. Go read her momma's words about love and refilling her "dry well". Inspirational.
Friday, April 16, 2010
How about a little joy for a change?
After yesterday's post, I felt the need to write about something more positive. Last night as I was going to bed, I considered. What is something that is really great right now, something amazing? And I realized that I can't remember the last time we had any "steps back" with Kate NaNa. You know, two steps forward, one step back? Well, we have had a lot of steps forward here lately, but I can't remember the last backwards one.
That's not to say that parenting her is without issues. She seems to have skipped over the terrible twos in favor of the sassy threes. She gives me attitude, and lots of it. Sometimes I hear words coming out of her mouth, but they sound like something Will would say (who spent about 3 years in the terrible twos/sassy threes, and still likes to visit there occasionally). But she usually responds very quickly to requests for appropriate behavior, and behaves a whole lot like my other two.
She is becoming more and more cuddly, coming up and giving me unexpected hugs. She tells me several times a day, "I love you, Mommy," without my prompting. She is even making huge strides with her Daddy. She still doesn't like it when he goes to work (she wants all of us together, all the time), but she greets him happily when he gets home. And last night when I told her Daddy was putting her to bed, she smiled and said, "I love him." Only a month ago that would've gotten a grumpy face and crossed arms, if not a full out cry-fest. She has settled in to our family so beautifully.
Kate NaNa is pure joy to parent. She really is.
And as for medical/speech issues, they continue to be less and less of an issue in our daily lives. He speech is now clear enough that most people can understand her, as long as they pay attention. She continues to receive speech at the local preschool. Her hearing fluctuates depending on how much fluid is in her ears at a time. Her previous tubes are not in place anymore, and so she has some fluid build-up at the moment, but it doesn't appear to be slowing her down. Her vocabulary and pronunciation have continued to develop, despite any mild hearing loss that it creates. She continues to have ear infections, thus the other reason for the tubes. But even that is just normal life at this point, not any big disruption.
She is really just a happy, normal, amazing, resilient, wonderful child. I can't imagine my life without her.
That's not to say that parenting her is without issues. She seems to have skipped over the terrible twos in favor of the sassy threes. She gives me attitude, and lots of it. Sometimes I hear words coming out of her mouth, but they sound like something Will would say (who spent about 3 years in the terrible twos/sassy threes, and still likes to visit there occasionally). But she usually responds very quickly to requests for appropriate behavior, and behaves a whole lot like my other two.
She is becoming more and more cuddly, coming up and giving me unexpected hugs. She tells me several times a day, "I love you, Mommy," without my prompting. She is even making huge strides with her Daddy. She still doesn't like it when he goes to work (she wants all of us together, all the time), but she greets him happily when he gets home. And last night when I told her Daddy was putting her to bed, she smiled and said, "I love him." Only a month ago that would've gotten a grumpy face and crossed arms, if not a full out cry-fest. She has settled in to our family so beautifully.
Kate NaNa is pure joy to parent. She really is.
And as for medical/speech issues, they continue to be less and less of an issue in our daily lives. He speech is now clear enough that most people can understand her, as long as they pay attention. She continues to receive speech at the local preschool. Her hearing fluctuates depending on how much fluid is in her ears at a time. Her previous tubes are not in place anymore, and so she has some fluid build-up at the moment, but it doesn't appear to be slowing her down. Her vocabulary and pronunciation have continued to develop, despite any mild hearing loss that it creates. She continues to have ear infections, thus the other reason for the tubes. But even that is just normal life at this point, not any big disruption.
She is really just a happy, normal, amazing, resilient, wonderful child. I can't imagine my life without her.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
My Little Baby
(Kate in the cool new skirt that Bunk made for her:)In about two weeks, Kate NaNa will be three years old. Which means that she has been a part of our family for almost a whole year. Sometimes I can't believe how fast it has gone. Other times it feels like she has always been with us.
Three years old is a big deal for her for several reasons. First, it will be the first time she understands what this birthday thing is all about. We had cake and ice cream for her last year, but I didn't want to overwhelm her with a party. This year, all she can talk about is her Mickey Mouse birthday cake. She is so excited.
Second, on her birthday she will age out of the First Steps program that offers her speech therapy to her. At that point she transitions to the local county preschool, where she will attend two mornings a week, receiving speech on one of those days. (She will only be at school 6 hours a week, but Will is at school those same 6 hours, so who know what trouble Mommy may get into:) We have met her teacher, and Kate and Will have tested out the classroom, and it has met with our approval. Kate is so excited, and she keeps asking when she will see "Miss Wo-ahh" again. (No, that's not her real name, but that's how Kate says it.)
That is the very grown up side of this little girl. On the flip side, she has recently started wanting to be a baby. She isn't whiny about it. In fact, she is very straight forward. She comes over and says, "I'm a baby. Hold me." So I (or Tim) pick her up and hold her like she is a tiny baby. She has this little babbly voice she uses, and she sometimes pretends to cry. It is very different from her normal babble and crying. It is all in her baby voice. We act like she really is a little baby, rocking her and talking to her like she is an infant. Today she even wanted a sippy cup to enhance the experience.
Again, please don't think we have lost our minds. The thing is, we have no idea how much of this kind of attention she got when she really was a baby. We don't know if her caretakers held her or sung to her or anything. She needs this time. And so do we. Tim said that he has gotten more eye contact in lately than he has in months, just because she is willing to lay in his arms and look up at him. (FYI, eye contact is very important for attachment, which is a constant process.) I am so thankful that she is asking for this "baby time" with us. I mean, who doesn't need more cuddling in their life?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My Sweet Girl
My relationship with Kate NaNa has definitely been a process. It's been over a year now since I first saw her face. At the time, I just knew she was my daughter. I loved her even then, in the way that you just know you are going love someone, even though you don't know them very well yet, or even why you will love them. But little by little, bit by bit, our relationship has grown.
When we met, my love grew to a protective, mama bear kind of love. She really did not like me at first. I wanted her to feel safe, to feel love, to smile. Fearful of scaring her, I took my time getting to know her. I would sit near her until she burst into tears at the realization I was there. It was a dance of sorts. I would take two steps forward, one step back, until finally she allowed me to hold her, comfort her, love her. Even then, she still held me at arm's length, only giving affection on her terms.
Once home, she realized I was the one who would meet her daily needs. I fed her, put her to bed, and held her when she cried, even when she pushed me away. My love for her grew to a you are my child, and I can't believe how much I love you kind of love.
As time went by, her personality emerged. We began to see how funny she is, how much she was dying to talk to us and express herself, and how much she loves music. And I began to love her for who she is. I was getting to know her better and better, just like I know my boys. Naturally, at this point I was beyond in love with her. I no longer had to hold back my hugs and kisses, but often when I touched her she would pull back just a little, hold off just a bit.
Today I laid down to nap with her, and she was especially huggy. She wanted to hold my hand, and she kept rubbing my arm. After she dozed off, she kept scooting closer and closer, even though she was asleep. She is beginning to react to me in ways that are similar to the ways that my boys respond. We have come such a long way.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Very long answer about memories...
The other day my friend, Tooz, left me a comment asking if I thought that Kate remembered her life in China. (It was actually more detailed than that. Go back to my last post to read it for yourself.) I think Tooz is great - she has been a great source of encouragement to me, so I wanted to answer her question. And since I have been asked that question by lots of people, I thought I would address it here.
The short answer is, yes. Do I think she remembers every detail? No.
Now for the long answer. The furthest back I can go in my memory is age 2 1/2. It is a very clear memory of being VERY angry with my little brother. Ben (age 6) can remember things from when he is two. Not everything, mind you, but enough. Will (age 4) and Tim don't really remember back that far. We always joke about the fact that Tim doesn't remember hardly anything from childhood, while I remember strange details about conversations and vacations and classmates, etc. So, I think different people's memories go back different distances. Obviously Kate isn't 33 or 6 or even 4, but I just wanted to point out that it is possible that someday in the future she may remember parts of her life in China.
Since she has only been with us 5 months, I think that makes it even more realistic that she remembers parts of her life in China. When my boys were that age they could tell me in great detail about events that had happened 6 months before. And she has a great memory. About 3 weeks ago my friend Christa was over playing cards. We made up a sign for her name, not really expecting Kate to remember it. I didn't think about it again until yesterday. Tim and I were talking about Christa's husband Alex, and Kate immediately did the signs for both Alex and Christa. We hadn't even mentioned Christa. There is nothing that makes me think that she doesn't have just as good of a memory as the boys.
Generally speaking, I think that children's memories (including our own memories) go back further than we think. Obviously, most of us do not remember being babies, or even toddlers for the most part. But I think that we retain subconscious memories of our early lives. We might remember feelings of love, or of security, or of fear. Things that happen to us as babies might explain why people have irrational fears. (I am not an expert. Just thinking out loud.) In the case of an abandoned child, he might retain the feeling of being terrified, cold, and hungry. If the child develops PTSD (let's face it, abandonment would be traumatic), then fear, cold, and hunger might lead to manifestations that adults don't understand. The child might not say, hey, I remember what the person who found me looked like, but he might remember complete terror. I think that this kind of memory affecting a child long term is much more likely than a memory of a happy birthday party affecting someone in the same way. Those of us who have never experienced major trauma will have trouble relating.
Kate displays no signs of PTSD. She does, however, occasionally freak out about strange things. If you remember, Kate did not like me in China. She was a total daddy's girl. I tried to get her to ride in the baby sling with me so we could bond, but she would always scream and freak out on me. We used it a couple of times once we got home, and she did fine, but we put it away in November or so. Well, this weekend she was being extremely clingy, and I thought I would get out the carrier so that she could be touching me, but I could get some things done around the house. As soon as I tied it around my waist, she panicked. She cried and screamed and Tim had to pick her up to calm her down. I tried to take her to comfort her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I have no coherent explanation for it. But maybe the carrier reminded her of how scared she used to be of me. Maybe it reminded her of being taken from her foster family. I don't know. But I don't ever underestimate that girl.
I had posted a link to a story about someone who is taken from her "beloved". The story was an analogy about a child who learns not to trust adults because they don't stick around. A child may not remember the events that led to this little "lesson", but they would remember not to trust adults for years to come. I don't think that Kate is dealing with these exact same issues, but I know way too many adoptive families to totally discount the story.
So there is your very long answer. Much longer than I intended. But by now you all know how long-winded I am, so you have been warned before. Thanks for asking such a great question, Tooz!
The short answer is, yes. Do I think she remembers every detail? No.
Now for the long answer. The furthest back I can go in my memory is age 2 1/2. It is a very clear memory of being VERY angry with my little brother. Ben (age 6) can remember things from when he is two. Not everything, mind you, but enough. Will (age 4) and Tim don't really remember back that far. We always joke about the fact that Tim doesn't remember hardly anything from childhood, while I remember strange details about conversations and vacations and classmates, etc. So, I think different people's memories go back different distances. Obviously Kate isn't 33 or 6 or even 4, but I just wanted to point out that it is possible that someday in the future she may remember parts of her life in China.
Since she has only been with us 5 months, I think that makes it even more realistic that she remembers parts of her life in China. When my boys were that age they could tell me in great detail about events that had happened 6 months before. And she has a great memory. About 3 weeks ago my friend Christa was over playing cards. We made up a sign for her name, not really expecting Kate to remember it. I didn't think about it again until yesterday. Tim and I were talking about Christa's husband Alex, and Kate immediately did the signs for both Alex and Christa. We hadn't even mentioned Christa. There is nothing that makes me think that she doesn't have just as good of a memory as the boys.
Generally speaking, I think that children's memories (including our own memories) go back further than we think. Obviously, most of us do not remember being babies, or even toddlers for the most part. But I think that we retain subconscious memories of our early lives. We might remember feelings of love, or of security, or of fear. Things that happen to us as babies might explain why people have irrational fears. (I am not an expert. Just thinking out loud.) In the case of an abandoned child, he might retain the feeling of being terrified, cold, and hungry. If the child develops PTSD (let's face it, abandonment would be traumatic), then fear, cold, and hunger might lead to manifestations that adults don't understand. The child might not say, hey, I remember what the person who found me looked like, but he might remember complete terror. I think that this kind of memory affecting a child long term is much more likely than a memory of a happy birthday party affecting someone in the same way. Those of us who have never experienced major trauma will have trouble relating.
Kate displays no signs of PTSD. She does, however, occasionally freak out about strange things. If you remember, Kate did not like me in China. She was a total daddy's girl. I tried to get her to ride in the baby sling with me so we could bond, but she would always scream and freak out on me. We used it a couple of times once we got home, and she did fine, but we put it away in November or so. Well, this weekend she was being extremely clingy, and I thought I would get out the carrier so that she could be touching me, but I could get some things done around the house. As soon as I tied it around my waist, she panicked. She cried and screamed and Tim had to pick her up to calm her down. I tried to take her to comfort her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I have no coherent explanation for it. But maybe the carrier reminded her of how scared she used to be of me. Maybe it reminded her of being taken from her foster family. I don't know. But I don't ever underestimate that girl.
I had posted a link to a story about someone who is taken from her "beloved". The story was an analogy about a child who learns not to trust adults because they don't stick around. A child may not remember the events that led to this little "lesson", but they would remember not to trust adults for years to come. I don't think that Kate is dealing with these exact same issues, but I know way too many adoptive families to totally discount the story.
So there is your very long answer. Much longer than I intended. But by now you all know how long-winded I am, so you have been warned before. Thanks for asking such a great question, Tooz!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Update #3 - Attachment
Kate's new favorite word is "mine". Except she doesn't say it like that. She says, "MY!" She says it about anything. Sometimes she is truly trying to establish if something is hers or not, and sometimes she is just being funny. For example, she will say point to my shoes and say, "MY!" just to make me laugh. And then she will giggle. It is very cute. I think part of it is experimentation with the idea that something could belong to her. That is a relatively new concept in her life.
Yesterday I was putting Kate down for a nap, and she pointed to my chest and said, "MY!". Oh my! Is there anything better? I said, "That's right baby. I am YOUR mama, forever and ever." And she just fell into my arms with a big ole hug. It was one of those moments you just want to hang onto. Precious.
All in all, Kate's attachment to us is going well. I was so worried when I went to Florida last month to be with my grandparents. Worried that she would decide she liked it better with my mom. Worried that she would be angry with me for leaving her. Worried that she would think I was never coming back. But when I came home she was thrilled to see me. The only glitch we had was that there were a few days after my return that I couldn't say, "I'll be right back" without her totally freaking out on me. But that is better now.
Bedtime is continuing to go well. For me anyway. She still isn't convinced that Tim should put her to bed sometimes, but she deals with it fine. When I put her to bed, she wants my arm around her until she starts to drop off, and then she pushes it away. (I can't really blame her. I can't sleep touching anybody either. It's weird. I know.) I just do what I used to do. I kiss her little hand and tell her that I love her. I can't remember the last time that she played the "I want you/I don't want you game".
She often asks us now to be rocked before bed, which is a new thing. She likes to sit tummy to tummy with her head turned to the side. But I will sometimes hold her like a tiny baby and sing ABC's (her current fave) to her. Sometimes she will gaze into my eyes the whole time (a very good attachment sign), and sometimes she looks around the room. Still, just the fact that she allows me to hold her like that is progress.
She sometimes asks me to feed her with a spoon like a baby. Again, it may sound like regression to the outside world, but in the adoption world, this means that she trusts me to give her food, and that she needs that extra bit of nurturing and love. She doesn't do bottles or sippies at all, so she still drinks from her own cup (while pointing at mine and saying MY and laughing).
Her relationship with the boys continues to grow and evolve. They love her. I overheard them discussing today how they are "falling in love with her". They have no idea what this means other than that they are crazy about her, which is true. When we returned from Ohio this week she asked about them constantly and couldn't wait to see them. So the feeling is mutual.
But the honeymoon is over though. They hit each other like most brothers and sisters now, which means that Kate NaNa has been introduced to the timeout chair. I usually sit down with her and talk to her about how she can't hit her brothers.
She is now comfortable staying in the nursery without me. I spent a couple of months going to Sunday School with her so that she would get used to the nursery area and the workers. Now I say, "I am going to _____. Do you want to come or do you want to play here?" Nine times out of ten she signs play, gives me a kiss, and has a great time. When I pick her up, she is happy to see me, gives me a big smile, and waves bye bye to the nearest adult. I was worried the surgery and time at home would mess up our work, but she was eager to get back to our weekly routine. Her transition has been great.
So, all of this paints a pretty rosy picture. Is everything perfect? No. She still can get clingy, push me away when she is mad, and scream when Daddy tries to put her to bed. And I am sure that as language develops and she gets older, more issues WILL arise. But I just have to take it one step at a time.
I started with a story, so I will end with one too. Early on, I had a big Aha moment one night when she woke up crying, but pushed me away. I forced myself on her, calmed her down, and as I left her room, Will started crying. His eyes weren't even open, but he heard me come in and instinctively raised his arms to me. I cuddled him a moment, and he drifted off again. The difference in their reactions was startling to me. Fast forward to now. One night this week Kate woke up crying. I went into her room to find her eyes closed, arms outstretched toward me. I cuddled her, and she was asleep in moments. I finally feel like when she cries "mama" in the middle of the night, she is talking about me. I doubt she has forgotten her foster mama (I have no desire to wipe out her memories), but she has accepted me now, and she trusts me. Precious.
OK, I lied. One more thing. I saw this link posted on someone else's blog recently, and I thought it was quite thought provoking. Check it out.
Yesterday I was putting Kate down for a nap, and she pointed to my chest and said, "MY!". Oh my! Is there anything better? I said, "That's right baby. I am YOUR mama, forever and ever." And she just fell into my arms with a big ole hug. It was one of those moments you just want to hang onto. Precious.
All in all, Kate's attachment to us is going well. I was so worried when I went to Florida last month to be with my grandparents. Worried that she would decide she liked it better with my mom. Worried that she would be angry with me for leaving her. Worried that she would think I was never coming back. But when I came home she was thrilled to see me. The only glitch we had was that there were a few days after my return that I couldn't say, "I'll be right back" without her totally freaking out on me. But that is better now.
Bedtime is continuing to go well. For me anyway. She still isn't convinced that Tim should put her to bed sometimes, but she deals with it fine. When I put her to bed, she wants my arm around her until she starts to drop off, and then she pushes it away. (I can't really blame her. I can't sleep touching anybody either. It's weird. I know.) I just do what I used to do. I kiss her little hand and tell her that I love her. I can't remember the last time that she played the "I want you/I don't want you game".
She often asks us now to be rocked before bed, which is a new thing. She likes to sit tummy to tummy with her head turned to the side. But I will sometimes hold her like a tiny baby and sing ABC's (her current fave) to her. Sometimes she will gaze into my eyes the whole time (a very good attachment sign), and sometimes she looks around the room. Still, just the fact that she allows me to hold her like that is progress.
She sometimes asks me to feed her with a spoon like a baby. Again, it may sound like regression to the outside world, but in the adoption world, this means that she trusts me to give her food, and that she needs that extra bit of nurturing and love. She doesn't do bottles or sippies at all, so she still drinks from her own cup (while pointing at mine and saying MY and laughing).
Her relationship with the boys continues to grow and evolve. They love her. I overheard them discussing today how they are "falling in love with her". They have no idea what this means other than that they are crazy about her, which is true. When we returned from Ohio this week she asked about them constantly and couldn't wait to see them. So the feeling is mutual.
But the honeymoon is over though. They hit each other like most brothers and sisters now, which means that Kate NaNa has been introduced to the timeout chair. I usually sit down with her and talk to her about how she can't hit her brothers.
She is now comfortable staying in the nursery without me. I spent a couple of months going to Sunday School with her so that she would get used to the nursery area and the workers. Now I say, "I am going to _____. Do you want to come or do you want to play here?" Nine times out of ten she signs play, gives me a kiss, and has a great time. When I pick her up, she is happy to see me, gives me a big smile, and waves bye bye to the nearest adult. I was worried the surgery and time at home would mess up our work, but she was eager to get back to our weekly routine. Her transition has been great.
So, all of this paints a pretty rosy picture. Is everything perfect? No. She still can get clingy, push me away when she is mad, and scream when Daddy tries to put her to bed. And I am sure that as language develops and she gets older, more issues WILL arise. But I just have to take it one step at a time.
I started with a story, so I will end with one too. Early on, I had a big Aha moment one night when she woke up crying, but pushed me away. I forced myself on her, calmed her down, and as I left her room, Will started crying. His eyes weren't even open, but he heard me come in and instinctively raised his arms to me. I cuddled him a moment, and he drifted off again. The difference in their reactions was startling to me. Fast forward to now. One night this week Kate woke up crying. I went into her room to find her eyes closed, arms outstretched toward me. I cuddled her, and she was asleep in moments. I finally feel like when she cries "mama" in the middle of the night, she is talking about me. I doubt she has forgotten her foster mama (I have no desire to wipe out her memories), but she has accepted me now, and she trusts me. Precious.
OK, I lied. One more thing. I saw this link posted on someone else's blog recently, and I thought it was quite thought provoking. Check it out.
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