Happy Kate NaNa Day!

Wow. Have I really not blogged in 4 months?  I told a friend yesterday that I can't figure out how to parent four children and write at the same time.  I know people who do it, but I can't seem to get it done.  I could blame it on a lot of factors, but for the next hour I am completely alone, so I thought I would dip my toe back in here and see what happens.  I seriously doubt anyone is still checking in here, which means that if I disappear again for four more months, no one will judge me, right?

Sunday was Kate NaNa Day!  We celebrated that she had been a part of our family for five years.  We went to the local hibachi restaurant and she (and the two big boys) received a fob containing a single piece of rice with her names written in English and Chinese.  (By the way, I could read them when I bought them five years ago in Tongli, and now I can't.  What's up with that? Middle age...)
 

Parenting her is still one of those things where I feel like it was only yesterday we were in China meeting her for the first time, and yet it is as if she has always been with us.  She is ours.  She is still that brave little thing holding back tears when she is frightened.  She still laughs hysterically at her brothers.  She still processes everything very deeply.  She still misses China and grieves the loss her first family, but she refers to us as her "real" family. 

I give thanks everyday for the blessing of knowing her. She is spunky and sassy, smart and compassionate.  She reads chapter books and writes her own stories.  She is crazy good at bike riding and anything involving a ball.  She has recently decided she wants to take up golf, but is looking forward to basketball this winter and soccer in the spring.  She is growing in her faith and often asks questions about God and heaven.  She loves to draw and paint and play with play-doh.  There is nothing in the world this child won't accomplish if she puts her mind to it.

So Happy Kate NaNa Day, baby girl.  You are the best girl ever!

Happy Jack Yintao Day!

One year ago today I met my son, Jack Yintao. We celebrated tonight with Chinese food and home movies from Nanjing. (He was so tiny when we met him!)  His gift this year was a set of beginner chopsticks, which his siblings quickly claimed as their own.  Which was only fair since when I showed them to him he screamed, "NO!", which is is favorite word.  (He is two, after all.)

 

He is still as funny, cuddly, and sweet as he was then.

He is a charmer - even though he greets everyone he sees with a hearty, "NO!" people still seem to think he is adorable.

Even though he is a total mama's boy and every time his brothers or sister (or anyone else) tries to talk to me he screams, "NO! My Mama!", his siblings still love him and attempt to hug and kiss all over him.

And apparently he still makes ridiculous faces when the camera is on him.  It is his, "What do you think you are doing with that camera?" face.  (Five shots, no smile? I promise he does generally like to be with us!)

 

And if you want to revisit that wonderful day, feel free to go back and read about the day Jack joined our family.

Jack and the Hearing Saga

When we first saw Jack's file over a year ago, it was noted that he had severe/moderate hearing loss.  At the time we had two thoughts concerning this.  First, it was probably conductive loss related to his cleft palate.  If so, a good set of tubes might go a long way in helping him hear. (As one of Kate's doctors told me once, it is hard to hear with tapioca pudding in your ears.)  Second, even if the loss is permanent we have lots of resources to help a child with partial hearing loss.

So, we started the process and honestly did not give a lot more thought to his hearing loss. It was one of those We Will Cross That Bridge When We Come To It kinds of things.

Fast forward to last April when we met him. We had some indication that there might be loss.  For example, he is really loud.  No really. He is loud. Also, (unlike Kate, who also had moderate hearing loss) he had no connection with his Chinese name, even when spoken by people at his orphanage.  Was it because he couldn't hear or was it that they just never called him by that name?

Within a few days though, we noticed he was easily turning his head towards all sorts of sounds, and he was responding to the name Jack. This confirmed - for us anyway - that his loss was moderate at worst, not severe.

Once home our regular audiologist (#1) confirmed this for us again through a series of tests.  However, everyone and their mama thought we still needed to get a sedated ABR hearing test to further nail down the type and severity of the loss.

Remember all of the rigamaroll I went through to get the ABR?  Blech.

So in August, after his tubes were placed but before Dr. L repaired his palate, an audiologist (#2) came in and performed an ABR.  I was so confident that his hearing would come back with minor or no loss that I didn't give it a lot of thought.

Except that isn't what the report said.  The audiologist (#2) (who I had never met before) told me that Jack had moderate/severe sensori-neural loss and that he needed hearing aids immediately.  That he wasn't hearing well enough that he would ever learn to speak without aids.  Honestly, it was a punch in the gut.  I cried for quite a while before I felt ready to go back into the waiting room.  In my head I knew that this was a possibility, and I thought I was prepared for it, but the reality was a lot more painful.

Tim and I together decided we weren't ready to share this news.  Keep in mind that we were still dealing with the fact that our 2 year old was in surgery.  And for my part, I knew that I needed to get to a point where I wouldn't cry every time it was mentioned.  The last thing Jack (or I) needed was pity.  We needed resources and strength.  Jack would need the confidence to know that hearing aids would not slow him down or stop him from anything he wanted to accomplish in life.  It had to be no big deal.  And honestly I wasn't there yet.

We went in to see our regular audiologist (#1) a couple of weeks later.  Immediately, she questioned these results.  She questioned the type and severity, maintaining that Jack's loss was conductive and minimal, and she tested him again.  Over the course of the next few months she repeated those tests more times than I could count.  I carried the results to pediatricians and ENTS, looking for answers to these conflicting reports.

In the meantime, Jack was starting to talk.  He said the word ball.  Daddy. Wah (water). And one night I was putting him to bed.  It was pitch black in the room, and we were whispering to each other. He would say, "Mama," and I would say, "Jack."  Back and forth we went. And then I said, "Time to sleep, Jack." And he rolled over and went to sleep.

I know some of you are marveling that he listened to me, but I was marveling that he heard me! I whispered!

I went in to see audiologist #1 and told her, and she cried. I love that woman.

Then last month Dr. T, the international adoption doc, suggested we see her friend who is an audiologist (#3).   I had been considering a third opinion from the place this woman works anyway, so I was game.  They got us right in, and audiologist #3 did a series of tests and then says, "Jack has normal or near-normal hearing.  He does not need aids." And I cried again. I asked, "How could this other, supposedly objective test have been so wrong?"  And she explained to me how the instruments can sometimes get covered in the blood and other fluids present in a surgical situation, thereby making them inaccurate.  It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened.

And so here I am, considering all of this.  I am extremely grateful that his hearing is fine, not only because I am a normal parent who wants their child to have normal hearing (even though I was perfectly willing and able to parent a child with hearing loss), but also because now we only have to have hearing checks a couple times a year. Which is really great, considering my recent complaints about frequent doctor appointments.

But through this process I have also thought a lot about what it would mean to have a child with something the rest of the world considers a disability.  I have given a lot of thought to parents who want their child to not be seen as a deaf child, but a child who happens to be deaf.  Do you see the distinction?  They don't want the emphasis to be on the deafness, but rather on a child who has infinite possibilities for success in his life.

This is another post without a neat bow.  I am thankful for Jack's hearing. I have twice been given the gift of a child whose hearing loss was restored.  (And twice the gift of children who have no hearing loss but severe selective hearing loss, iykwim.) I guess what I am saying is that maybe when I hear a child has a diagnosis, I will think twice before saying, "I am sorry."  Not that there isn't a time and place for I am sorry.  There is.  I just know that it wasn't something I wanted to hear. I did not want anyone pitying my son, who is one of the smartest kids I have ever met. (He is starting to recognize letters.  He is 2 and has only heard the English language for the past 8 months, 4 of which his ears were full of tapioca pudding.)  He is going to do amazing things, and it has nothing to do with how well he hears.  Next time I will be more likely to look past whatever the child has, and see the child's potential.  That is what is best for the child.  And for his mom.

Happy Birthday Kate (and Happy Kate NaNa Day too)

Many of you who hang out here already know this, but October is a big month for Kate.  Her birthday, date of abandonment, Kate NaNa Day, and her adoption day all fall within 12 days of each other.  And for those of you schooled in adoption issues, you know that means lots of different emotions crammed into a very small window.  This topic could probably be a post all of its own, but suffice it to say that she experiences excitement, grief, joy, and deep introspection - often all within about an hour.  Those of you who have witnessed a child grieve, you know they express it in many ways.  Kate is no exception. Her heart aches at the thought that she will never meet her first parents or see her foster mother again. She tells me that she misses China and wants to visit again soon.  Her feelings are valid, because it is sad to lose those things. Yet she still loves us deeply, despite (or perhaps because of) her grief and loss.  Adoption is complicated and messy and beautiful and redeeming all rolled into one big ball.  For Kate it just all comes at the same time. 

Anyway, the first of these big days comes in mid-October, when we celebrate Kate NaNa Day.  This was the four year anniversary of when we met our girl.  In our family it is a tradition that we go out to eat Chinese food, and then Tim and I give her a small gift that we bought for her in China.  This year it was a purple change purse at P.F. Chang's.

 

Ten days later her birthday (which also happens to be her date of citizenship) rolled around, and she wanted to celebrate with pizza and video games.  It was a good night for prizes. 

And last but not least, we had her birthday party the following weekend. For her party, she requested chocolate cake and Chinese dumplings.  We make the dumplings, or jiaozi, from scratch.  So with about 25 people at the party, that was a lot of dumplings.  Chinese families often make these together during celebrations, so I decided to insert some Chinese tradition into the party. Most people who attended learned to make them. I had the filling mixed and ready, and the guests helped roll, fill, crimp, and fry the dumplings. It was a huge undertaking for everyone, but it was a lot of fun and delicious.  They were a big hit.

I also managed to make my first chocolate cake from scratch.  Our family tries to buy only fair trade chocolate, but it was a challenge to find a good scratch recipe.  My aunt ended up mailing me her favorite one for a chocolate cinnamon cake, which was a big hit.  I love the icing so much it makes me want to cry.

As I was putting her to bed the night of the party, Kate told me, "That was my best party day I ever had."  I was glad, and asked her what she liked about it.  "I got a Hello Kitty alarm clock, Daddy set off firecrackers, and I got to eat my dumplings."  Add a lot of friends and family to that equation, and it really was a wonderful day.

Kate,
I love you sweet girl, and I love being your mama.  I am glad you have a tender heart and process everything deeply. It is such a wonderful part of who you are and how you care about other people.  You are a joy to parent, and I can't wait to see all of the amazing things you will do with your life.  And if you really do move back to China when you are a grown up, I will still come and visit you - probably more than you like:)

Now I Remember...

All day long I have felt like I was forgetting something.  I have been wracking my brain.  Appointment? No.  Phone calls that need to be made? Made them and still didn't shake it.  Soccer game? Not until Saturday.

Just now I got an email from a family waiting for their TA so they can go get their little boy.  They asked me a timeline question, so I hopped over here to my blog, where my adoption timeline still lives down there in the bottom right-hand column.

And there it was.  On September 27, 2011, I got an email with FW: Adam: Su, Yin Tao in the subject line.  And I knew.  I knew it was a kid from Suzhou.  I knew it was my son.  I opened up the email and saw this face:

It was 5 o'clock in the afternoon.  Everyone was headed home for the afternoon.  Within an hour I had left a frantic message on the voicemail of our agency rep, called the agency that sent me the email (different from our agency) and left them a message, and called my husband. Within 24 hours I had found his finding ad online with another picture and had consulted with an SLP, a pediatrician, and an audiologist.  Of course, it took until October 3 before we were able to lock him in.  But on September 27, 2012, I knew. 

Jack, I am so glad that God directed our steps to you.  You bring our family so much joy.  I love you more every day. 

Jack: Two Weeks Post-Op

Thankfully Jack is on a solid diet now.  We are still keeping it fairly soft (no pretzels because Mama is mean like that), but he is mostly eating regular foods.  If he could talk, I am pretty sure he would say that he is never leaving the kitchen table ever again, thankyouverymuch.  He is that obsessed with food. He thinks about it all. the. time.

Also thankfully, his signing vocabulary has probably doubled since his surgery.  He was already signing more and milk, with an occasional - water, up, and down - thrown in there.  He now signs water all the time, and also signs: banana, food, shoes, socks, and please. We are very impressed.  And he is very impressed with himself.  There is something magical about that moment when a child realizes that he can communicate what he wants, and that mom and dad Understand! It is beautiful.

We are still watching one of those spots in his repaired palate to make sure it isn't a fistula, but no amount of watching will make it be or not be a fistula.  So I am trying my best to leave him alone and wait for the surgeon to look at it again in two weeks.

I have lost track of how many health care professionals my children have seen in the past month.  Seriously.  Dentists, surgeons, speech therapists.  I am not a soccer mom.  I am a waiting room mom.  Go team.

And now for some pictures.  I took these about a month ago, but forgot to post them.  I was probably in a waiting room when I should have been posting.

 

 

   

Poor Impulse Control

In case you haven't heard, I really like Jack's new plastic surgeon.  He is bright, young, and enthusiastic. 

And he cracked me up.

Early on in the appointment he commented that I had my hands full with Kate and Jack.  I laughed and said that this was only half of the crew.  He shook his head and made the standard "Oh, you are such saints," comment.  This comment makes me crazy.  Anyone who has said this to me in real life knows that I always answer, "No, we aren't saints.  We are just doing what we want to do - parenting kids."

He must have seen it on my face (everything I think shows on my face).  To answer him I started out, "No, we aren't saints," and he interrupted me with a smile and said, "Oh, so it's just poor impulse control then." 

And I laughed. "Yes, exactly!"  Because that is exactly my brand of sarcastic, dry humor. 

So I have decided that this may be my new answer when someone tells me what I saint I am.  "No, I just have really bad impulse control."  Then I will shake my head and walk away. 

As if you could adopt a kid on a whim.  An impulse. 

I am cracking up just thinking about it.  Hehe. 

Dear Jack,

I feel like you and I are still getting to know each other... there are still so many things I want to know about you!  But at the same time, I feel like I have learned a lot in the last three months.  And with knowing you better, comes loving you more.

I love the way that you run across a room, arms open wide to greet me with a hug and a kiss, even though you just hugged me a minute and a half ago. 

I love the way you grin at me when you know that I understand that you want more milk.

I love it when I am laying down in your bed with you and you lean over and give me a kiss.  I also love it when you put your sweet little hand on my cheek. 

I love how you work so hard to learn new things.  Like yesterday, you were determined to pick up that toy hamburger with your toy spatula and put it in the pan.  You would scream every time you dropped it, but then you would pick it up and try it again.  And eventually you did it, and you were so proud of yourself. 

I love how you are starting to sign more and more.  You can sign "more" and "milk" fairly well, but we are still working on "water" and "eat".  I am confident that you are going to do it.  You are determined, and so am I.

I love that you will eat almost anything I put in front you.  As long as the person next to you doesn't have something different. If they do, you want their food instead. 

I love how you play independently.  You can play with your cars or your blocks for several minutes at a time.  You want me in the room (and would prefer it if I were playing with you), but you can do this while I wash dishes or fold laundry. 

I love how you are starting to trust me.  Sometimes you might be scared, but when you are in my arms your fears seem to melt away a bit.  I am glad you are learning that I will keep you safe. 

I love it when you walk with your hands behind your back.  You look like a little old man.  It is the cutest thing I ever saw. 

I love being your mama.  And I love that you are starting to call me that. 

Where We Are

My life right now is a lot like having a three month old in the house who can walk.  He can't communicate his needs, which means he cries a lot.  He isn't feeling very well and is having some sleeping issues, which means Tim and I aren't sleeping much.  Add to that that he wants to be held all of the time, and when he is not he is following me around the house.  That is my life. 

(Which means there is not a lot of down time right now for writing.  Don't be surprised if this lacks coherence.  I may have to hit Publish without proofreading.) 

Thankfully I have a lot of gracious friends and relatives who are helping lots with the big kids.  They have already been on more trips and adventures this summer than I could count on one hand - church camp, the lake, my aunt's, my uncle Ricky's pool, plus our family vacation to North Carolina with Tim's family.  At the moment Kate is at the movies with my mom, and the boys are on an adventure with my dad and Jee in San Diego. 

Jack is thankfully taking a nap, but every few minutes he cries in his sleep.  I should probably be napping too, considering how little sleep I got last night, but these moments alone are few and far between.  I feel the need to hoard them, doing small things that I enjoy rather than the laundry that is waiting for me downstairs. 

I also feel the need to attempt to express something about our family dynamics at the moment.  (Other than the fact that I keep shipping my kids off.)  Jack seems to have decided that Kate NaNa is his buddy.  When I am otherwise occupied she helps him go up and down the stairs, she helps him put on his pjs, and she can find his bottle and other beloved comfort items.  However, she is not without jealousy.  She occasionally drinks out of his bottle herself and wears his bibs. 

The boys love him, but they are often loud and in his face.  Which means that Jack thinks that he should scream at them anytime they get near him.  Which means that they think that he doesn't like them because he is always screaming at them.  I have tried to explain the circular logic at work here and how they can change this dynamic.  Ben is starting to pick up on how to handle Jack gently.  Will (typically The Baby Whisperer) is just mad that Jack doesn't adore him the same way other small children do. 

Jack and I are still very much trying to figure each other out.  I don't think I have a full grasp of what this transition will eventually look like because I am still smack-dab in the middle of it, desperate for a hot meal and a full eight hours.  Someday maybe I will sit down and put the right words to it, but for now this feeble attempt will have to do.

The first month together was the honeymoon period.  The second month together was reality hitting him (and us) in the face that this was going to be harder than we thought.  We really had to back up and focus on Jack's needs and attachment. 

This past month has been a dance where we move two steps forward and one step back.  Which thankfully adds up to more steps forward than back, but is still a lot of extra steps.  As I said earlier, he wants me to hold him, wants me near him, and seeks me out for comfort.  And all of this is very good and necessary work that needs to go on in our relationship.  But in the next minute he will refuse to let me help him, throw a toy at me, and then look miserable that I have no idea what he is trying to tell me.  Also very normal behavior. 

But that doesn't mean that I am not exhausted.  I am tired.  Unless you are a doctor's office, I have done a terrible job at returning your emails and phone calls.  I haven't read a good book or my favorite blogs in weeks because there is no alone time, and I really need to be present with my kids when they are with me anyway, especially in this time when all four of my kids are so very needy of my attention and time. 

Tim and I have a friend who likes to say, "Four is a challenge." I used to laugh when he said it, but those are the truest words in my life right now.  Learning this new dance of being a family of six is fun and exciting, but I am doing a lot of tripping over my own feet at the moment.  Thank you to everyone who is blessing us with the space on the dance floor to work out the moves.  I think I will get it eventually.

Appointments, Part 6: Speech

Please forgive my lack of posting.  We have been on vacation, and I am still trying to find our new out-of-school norm.

I mentioned earlier that our state's Early Intervention folks had done an evaluation on Jack, and there was one area that he qualified for services: Speech.  He has almost caught up in every other area, but his speech is very slow in coming.  I get a lot of questions about Jack's speech, so I figured that this would be a good place to answer some basic questions.

Can he speak English?

This one gets an eye roll out of me every time.  No, he can't speak English.  Most 21 month olds that I know aren't exactly fluent, ya know?

How will you teach him English?

The same way every English-speaking parent teaches their baby English - they talk to him.  Children learn to understand new languages amazingly fast.  That's why people should learn second or third languages as small children instead of as adults or teenagers.  (But wait, that's another rant of mine.)

Can he speak Chinese?

Nope, he can't speak Chinese either.  The thing is, he doesn't speak.  He babbles.  Because of his cleft palate (the big, gaping hole in the roof of his mouth that goes up into his nasal cavity) he cannot produce most consonant sounds.  He can't make the puff of air he needs for some sounds.  Couple that with the fact that he hasn't been encouraged to babble and play with his sounds.  You know how parents copy their baby's sounds and go back and forth being silly?  This teaches the child to explore their sounds and to imitate words.  But Jack is just now experiencing that.  So, he can say, "Ah gah!" and "mamamamamamama," and "Uh-oh!" and "Ow!"  That is his current favorite repertoire.

Will he ever learn to talk?

Absolutely.  We are starting off with an hour of speech therapy a week.  Melissa comes to our house and basically plays with Jack and me.  She points out positive things he is doing and models exercises for us to do.  For example, this week she wants us to repeat the random noises he makes and get really silly so he will be encouraged to repeat the sounds that we are making.  It's actually really fun, and Jack gets crazy giggly. 

We are also working on teaching him sign language so that he will be able to start communicating his needs with words instead of tears.  Last night in the grocery store he signed milk when we walked past the milk and pizza when we walked past the pizza.  And then we both got crazy giggly.

(Have I ever mentioned that a great place to have a conversation with an infant/toddler is in the grocery store?  You can get lots of eye and skin contact and teach them tons of new stuff, while entertaining the other shoppers at the same time.  Yes, they will stare at you if play peek a boo with your baby while you pick out tomato sauce, but it will also make them smile really big, which most tired shoppers need.  Consider it your contribution to making your town a happier place to live:)

So, to sum up, Jack is right where we expect him to be right now.  He is exploring sounds.  He is trying to imitate us some.  He is starting to use signs.  He's a smart kid.  And he is awesome like that. 

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons
• Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist  
• Appointments, Part 5: Early Intervention

Posts (yet to come) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• ENT (and probably more audiology)
• Plastic Surgeons...Again (maybe)
• Surgery

Appointments, Part 5: Early Intervention

A couple of weeks after we got home from China, I took Jack to see the pediatrician at the International Adoption Clinic at the nearby university hospital.  As part of the work-up, an OT came in and did an assessment of Jack. 

At the time, she and I talked about how Jack's walking had largely improved since I met him, but how he ran with his arms extended for balance.  And how he had recently learned to put rings on the yellow cone, and go up and down stairs holding an adult's hand, but he still lacked a pincer grasp, and he couldn't lean down and pick things up without falling over.  At the time, she indicated that if evaluated for Early Intervention that day, he would qualify for both physical and occupational therapy.  We discussed how I fully expected him to continue to improve quickly over the coming weeks, but if he didn't continue then I should push for OT services with someone who is also skilled in gross motor development.  She gave me some exercises to do, and off we went.

In the meantime, I had been trying to get Jack enrolled in Early Intervention.  At first, they qualified him based on his severe hearing loss.  Except, after we saw the audiologist we realized that he didn't actually have severe hearing loss, and therefore no longer qualified based on that.  And so we had to start over with a thorough evaluation of several different developmental areas.  When I filled out the questionnaire, he failed every single area. 

Two weeks ago, Ms. Teresa came out to do the evaluation.  This was 10 days after the questionnaire.  Two weeks after we saw the OT.  And he did totally awesome.  His walking - while still not developmentally at 21 months - had improved even further, and we have no reason to think it won't continue.  His grasp has gone from a full hand grasp to a fingertip grasp.  Still no two finger pincer, but it will come. 

He did things that I had tried to teach him only days before, but at the time he hadn't figured out.  He could put long pegs into the tiny holes on the first try.  He could put wooden shapes into the puzzle.  He could drive the Little People car.  He could sit on a riding toy and push with his legs. 

In other words, he is learning even faster than I thought. 

But of course, there is one area in which he did qualify for Early Intervention - speech.  But that is a post for another day:)

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons
• Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist 

Posts (yet to come) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• ENT (and probably more audiology)
• Speech (even though this is part of EI, it will get it's own post)

The Honeymoon Period is Over

Sometimes when a child is adopted, everything goes really well.  Everyone puts their best foot forward in an effort to please.  The parents have an unlimited patience with the child, and the child is agreeable, loveable, and basically angelic.  Sometimes this is called the honeymoon period in adoption circles.  But as all parents know - whether your kids are adopted or not - this is an unnatural state.  At some point, the honeymoon will come to an end.

Reality has set in at our house in the last couple of days.

When we brought Jack home, he was super easy-going.  He rarely cried.  He freely gave out hugs and kisses to us.  He happily went to bed, smiling at us as he fell asleep.  He came to us when he needed something.  And because all of this was going so well (and because Tim and I have been flat-out exhausted) we got lazy with our attachment parenting.  We have let him wander off and grab other people's hands or ask to be picked up.  We have let various relatives and close friends give him food while we dealt with other children.  And while I cringed a little inside, I was too tired to be firm.  And I thought, He is doing so well!  Why should we worry when nothing is wrong?

And all the adoptive parents out there are shaking their heads at my naivete.  (I'm shaking my head too, for good measure.)

Sunday I decided to take Ben and Will to a movie.  Just the three of us. It turned out to be good, quality time, which we sorely needed.  But Jack noticed that I was gone.  For four hours. I had never done that before.

When I returned I offered to give Jack his bottle while Tim got the others ready for bed.  Now, Jack and I have always had a little control battle going on around food.  He wants to dictate when, where, what, and how much, but I know that this is a sign of distrust and of potential food issues.  And so I have danced around it, offering lots of healthy options whenever he is hungry, and sometimes when he is not hungry.  For example, when he sees anyone eating, he demands food right that moment, even if he ate five minutes ago.

So. Jack and his bottle.

I immediately noticed that not only would he not let me hold the bottle for him, he wouldn't even let me touch it. He cries when I do.  He refuses to look at me during this interaction and is constantly trying to turn his body so his back is to me.  In bed, he clutches the bottle like I am trying to steal it.  He hits, pushes, and turns his back on me.

And the whole time I am thinking that this is a full-blown Kate NaNa attachment fit.  Some of you haven't been around long enough to know this, but Kate NaNa used to despise me.  During the day she liked me fine, but at night she wanted me to leave her completely alone.  She oozed distrust and anger. And so I started crawling in bed with her every night.  When she hit me, I would kiss her hand.  When she screamed at me I would tell her I loved her and would never leave her.  When she would push me away I would pick her up and dance with her.

And now it is time to do this with Jack.  He, of course, doesn't know what to do with this.  He has never had a permanent caregiver.  He doesn't understand that no matter what, he is staying in this family.

He hits me, and I kiss his fist.  He screams at me, and I say, "I love you."  He pushes me, and I refuse to move.  Over and over I have to show him that I am not going anywhere.  No matter what he throws at me, I will always love him.  No matter how much he tries to push me away, I will always be his Mama.  I am not going anywhere.  I will not leave him.  I am here to stay. 

On a final note, please forgive me when I ask you not to feed my son, or pick him up, or take his hand.  I am teaching him that I am his Mama.  That he can trust me to feed him, to comfort him, to keep him safe.  And to never, ever leave him.  Because I am not going anywhere. 

(And a special thanks for some attachment posts I have read recently - RQ, Stephanie and Nancy at NHBO.  I just didn't know I would need them so soon!)

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, I know this is a day late.  I had a beautiful post in my head on Saturday night - a tribute to all of the mothers in my life and all that they have done for me.  I have especially been missing my Ma-Ma and my Bunk, and wanted to write about them. 

But that didn't happen.

(And you know that when I write a single sentence fragment as a whole paragraph, that I am getting ready to launch into a rant, right?)

Where did we get the idea that Mother's Day is this glorious time where everyone celebrates mom and caters to her every desire?  Because that has never happened at my house.  Not even a little bit.  Never.  At my house, my husband (whom I love, but for the purpose of this story is not the hero) gets up and leaves for work on Mother's Day before I have even considered getting out of bed.  Because it is Sunday and that is what pastors do on a Sunday.  Except, oh yeah, I did get out of bed several times in the wee hours of the morning to help one kid vomit into the toilet after eating too much junk food at a baseball game last night.  Oh yeah, and to get another crying child out of his bed and into mine before he woke up three other children.  (Although in the husband's defense, he did take the crying child from me so that I could go back to sleep for a little while before I had to get up.  Maybe he is the hero of the story.  Or at least one of them. Huh.)

Then Mom has to get the children who are neither crying nor vomiting ready for church and there on time (or at least within 30 minutes of said time for church).  When the children and husband arrive back home from church, the four smallest of the crew want to sit on Mom's lap at the same time.  Which is lovely in sentiment and theory, but is distressing to a mother who wants to avoid two of said children from cold cocking each other.

At which point Mom goes into the kitchen to get some water.  And realizes that no one has bothered to clean up one single dish from the lunch that she cooked.  On Mother's Day.  And so she clears the table, loads the dishwasher, washes the dishes that don't go into the dishwasher, wipes down counters and table, sweeps the floor, and at some point realizes that she needs an escape hatch.

At which point Mom grabs the Kindle, the car keys, and her wallet and leaves.

After cooling off for an hour or so, Mom decides she misses the little boogers and goes back to get the two bigs for a movie date.  Mom and her big boys really do enjoy themselves, and this is the one point in the story where true appreciation is shown to Mom.  Because she did something she never ever ever does.  She let them watch a PG-13 movie.  And so naturally the bigs are very appreciative and kind.  And Mom can't believe she stooped so low just to get a thank you out of her children.


Upon returning to the nest, the smallest bird has decided that he Does. Not. Like. It. when Mom thinks that she can just up and leave and then she returns and expects everything to be normal.  Oh, no.  No, he decides he is not happy with Mama for that one.  And he spends the next few hours refusing to let her give him a bottle, look her in the eye, or let her put him to bed. 


I wish I could say that Mother's Day is typically a really great day for us, but honestly, this story is typical of my Mother's Days.  Except we don't usually throw attachment issues in there.  That one was a new bonus for Mother's Day. 


And now you know why, when Tim asks me what I want for Mother's Day, I tell him I want to crawl in bed. 

All About Jack

As promised, it's time to talk more about Jack...

When he is happy or just waking up, he is a total cuddle-bug.   He will look up at me, grin, and then bury his head in my chest.  When asked by one of us, he will give a big, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss.  (Will claims he gets the most kisses, which is ironic considering Will's food-sharing aversion.)

When he is playing, he will look over at me and smile this big toothy smile.  Overall, he has a really easy-going personality.  He likes to play with the stacking cups/balls, the Elmo radio that someone gave us when we had Ben, and anything on my Kindle Fire. If he is concentrating really hard he sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth.

He is a charmer.  He flashes that smile at people, and grins extra wide when he is doing something he knows that he shouldn't.

He has some stranger anxiety going on, especially for adults.  If you see us out and about and he shakes his head no at you, he wants you to keep your distance.

When he is cranky, it is because he his either hungry, or he wants to GO!  Go out in the yard, somewhere in the car, out to the mailbox - he doesn't care, as long as we are going somewhere. If he sees someone at church with shoes and a jacket on, he will forget his stranger anxiety, grab their hand, and try to leave the building.  If he does this to you, you probably shouldn't encourage it, even though it is totally adorable and you will want to follow him anywhere.

He likes to eat. Anything.  He definitely has preferences - cereal, raisins, rice, noodles - but he will eat just about anything.  Today he has eaten Cheerios, raisins, turkey, noodle soup, a pickle, grapes, potato chips, watermelon, bread, and half of an apple.  Plus a bottle.  And it's only 4:30. He is getting a nice, round belly:)

He loves all of his siblings, but Will is the most patient with him, and therefore the one who usually ends up playing with him.  We call Will the Baby Whisperer.

We are all trying to teach him how to go "boom" down the stairs.  My niece Bri taught my boys how to do it when they were little, and now they are teaching Jack.

We have tried to introduce a few signs, but they haven't caught on yet.  It is still very early.

Even though it is very early, he is already trying really hard to repeat our words.  In China he was trying to repeat "hat" when Tim put one of the stacking cups on his head. Yesterday when he finished his lunch he said, "Ah Gah!" which sounded an awful lot like, "All gone!"  Today I was telling him about socks and he made the short O sound.  Pretty impressive for someone who just entered the country a week ago.

He is now sleeping in his room with his sister.  Tim or I will lay down with him until he falls asleep, and if he cries out (which has happened every night so far, several times) we go to him and lay back down with him.  He is responding pretty well to this, and we are all sleeping more than we were a few days ago, even if we do wake up confused about what room/bed we are in. The pack and play was not working well, and our bed isn't big enough for him to windmill between us all night.  

Bonding and attachment are going well.  We move forward, then back, then forward again.  But he is definitely more attached than he was a week ago, which is more than a week before that, so I am optimistic about that.

I have spent most of my time this week on the phone making appointments.  In the next couple weeks he will see an IA pediatrician, a dentist, an audiologist, a plastic surgeon, an early intervention coordinator and an evaluator, a speech and language pathologist, and quite possibly an ENT.  I have called the insurance company and am trying to coordinate them with all of these care providers so that they will let us be seen (why does no one take my word for it that he has insurance?).

He is amazing.  I am falling for him so quickly.  Everyone around him is completely smitten.  Just wait.  You will be too:)

Day 13 (& 14) Home

Possibly one of the greatest travel ideas ever is the airport adjacent hotel.  Are they overpriced?  Yes.  But there is something wonderful to be said for stepping out of your hotel room, walking down the hall, and checking in at the flight counter.  Especially when you are flying out of Hong Kong and it it takes almost two hours to check in, go through security, and go through customs.  By the time we got to the plane, it was mostly loaded.

The flight was smooth and on time, but that's about all you can say positive about a 14 hour flight.  Oh, and the movies were good and mostly appropriate for the children.

The last leg from Chicago was also smooth and without incident.  Unless you count Jack screaming for most of the hour-long flight.  He did great on the big plane - all the kids did - but the last leg put him over the edge of his I'm-so-tired-I-just-want-to-cry meter.

We got home safely, stuffed some Chick-Fil-A into our faces, took baths, and went to bed.  We had decided to put Jack in a pack-n-play next to our bed for the first few nights so we could comfort him if necessary.  It didn't take long for me to realize that it was going to be a loooong night.  We ended up putting him in bed with us simply because it was faster to pat his back and put him back to sleep than any of the other alternatives.  Jet lag does not make for patient parenting.

After being up half the night, he ended up sleeping until 1pm.  The rest of the day he was in a fairly good mood, and he eats really well, but after dinner it was clear he was ready to crash.  I kept pushing him to stay up longer, in hopes that he would sleep through the night.  We shall see how that works out for me.  I keep dozing off at random times myself, so I understand how he feels:)

I know it looks like he is upset in this photo, but he was really excited about throwing every single Little People doll we have across the room.  His smile face and mad face are pretty similar, but he was laughing and saying, "Ah!" over and over again (short a sound, not ahhhhh) which is of course his favorite noise. 

I have to give one last thanks to all the people who have prayed us through all of this.  Jack is doing very well (I hope to write about that later, when I have had enough sleep to do more than simply write down what happened each day - for now, see Tim's blog), and I have gotten to focus on him because I have such a great support system.  Mom and Jacob took care of the kids, Tara and Vanessa took care of the blog, and when we got home I found that Christa, Tia, and Sarah had been at work in my kitchen, buying me milk and freezing meals.  (Yummy chicken pocket thingies, btw.  Will says I must make them for him again sometime.)  I cannot thank all of you enough.  You're the best!

Day 12 Guangzhou/Hong Kong

There isn't a whole heaping lot to tell from Tuesday.  We slept in, took a cab over to Shamian, and did a little shopping.  Those of you who know me well realize how ridiculous it is that I spent significant time shopping for three days in a row.  I loathe shopping. But we have a tradition in our house of giving Kate a small gift from China on Kate NaNa Day.  It's never a huge deal, but I needed to stock up so I would have a similar gift for Jack for the next 18 years. 

One of the shops we went to was Susan's Place.  On Shamian, all of the shops are named after whoever runs them - well, their assumed English name, anyway.  There is Jenny's Place and Amy's Place and Michael's Place and... you get the idea.  Susan's husband is Dong.  And he is hilarious.  He immediately drew in Jacob and Tim and started telling them stories and pouring tea for them, and the longer they talked and drank, the longer Mom and I shopped.  Brilliant strategy, I tell you.  I walked out of there with things I didn't even know that I wanted, because Dong never stopped talking and pouring tea.  I finally started sending people out of the shop, one by one, to get us out of there.  They really were delightful, but very savvy. 

After a Cantonese lunch on the island, we headed back to the hotel to finish our packing.  At 4:30 we loaded into vans and drove to Hong Kong.  Did y'all know that you still have to use your passport and go through customs to get in and out of HK?  I sure didn't.  And so I did not think it was a big deal when we pulled out of the hotel (me and Kate and Jack in one van with another family, and the rest of my family in the other van) that I carried all of the passports.  Thankfully someone else figured out the problem before we were out of Guangzhou, and they pulled us over to get the passports from me.  Immigration disaster averted.

We arrived at the Regal Airport Hotel, exhausted but safe, about 3 hours later.  There was internet in the lobby, but I was not motivated to go that far for you all.  Sorry about that.


Day 13 is coming...

Day 11 Guangzhou

Today was our consulate appointment.  We were up and out early to make it on time.  Thankfully Jacob stayed at the hotel with the boys, while Tim and I did the paperwork.  Mom and Kate came along for moral support and pearl shopping later on.  The oath and paperwork took only minutes, and we loaded back on the bus and went shopping.  We have the entire day free now, and have nothing to do until 4pm tomorrow.  Don't worry, I am not claiming boredom.  I am very happy to have this down time.  Everyone but me and Jack are at the park playing.  We are thinking of ordering out for dinner.  Tomorrow I will try to finish up shopping in the morning before leaving Guangzhou at 4:30.  From here we go to Hong Kong, and then fly home on Wednesday.
 
Jack is in a great mood today.  He has now changed his mind about bananas and loves them.  He is also nuts about Raisin Bran, but only if it is from his Daddy's bowl.  He really doesn't want them from his own bowl.  He has giggled and carried on all day today, playing in front of the mirror and lifting his shirt for zerberts.  Right now he is napping - have I mentioned how easily he goes to sleep?  He fusses for about 3 minutes and then he is out like a light. 
 
I haven't taken a single photo today - no cameras are allowed in the consulate.  So today it is just me, being happy about our down time. I don't know when I will post again because of our travel, but I will drop by for an update if I have a chance. 

Day 10 Guangzhou

I know my blog has been less than warm and fuzzy lately.  I apologize for that.  The truth is that when I am hungry and/or tired, I can get really obnoxious.  And I will take everyone down with me.  At one point yesterday, Will suggested I needed to eat something because I was being mean to him.
  
Nothing like being taken down a notch by your 7 year old. 

Anyway, I got a full eight hours last night and then ate an enormous breakfast this morning, so today has been much better.  We met up with our group and headed over to the church on Shamian Island.  It was a lovely service in both Mandarin and English, so we got to understand what was going on.  Some of the songs were in English, but honestly, it was such a beautiful thing to listen to praise songs in Mandarin that I didn't mind at all not to understand all of the words.  The congregation has been there for twenty years, and it was standing room only - probably 250 people.

Then we headed to Lucy's, the American restaurant that caters to adoptive families, and then did some shopping.  I was expecting everything to be closed, but there were still quite a few businesses that were open. For dinner we decided to return to the island to shop a bit more and eat at the Italian restaurant.  Yum.  That's all I can say about that.

I haven't said much about Jack lately either.  He and I are still figuring each other out, which I am sure will be a life long process.  But I know that he is super-sweet.  He loves hugs and kisses.  Loves to put his feet in my face.  He has a crazy appetite and will eat until you leave the table.  Today he prefered his Daddy, but still let me hug and kiss on him.  If he is happiest when he is eating, then he is second happiest when he is running.  He is already getting more steady on his feet, and he ran around the playground like a mad man today, full steam ahead.  He is going to keep me on my toes.

His cleft lip repair looks great, and the cleft does not appear to go all the way through the gumline.  The cleft palate is pretty wide though.  He has some trouble hearing us in a crowd, but seems to hear us in the hotel room ok.  We are still trying to watch him and figure out exactly the extent of his hearing loss.  I am eager to get him to an audiologist.

He has spent the last couple days unhappy.  I'm not sure if it was the lack of sleep, or if he is finally grieving a bit, or a combination of the two, but he seems better today.  Which I am very thankful for.  He has a pretty happy disposition, so to hear him cry and not be able to offer a snack or drink or toy to make it all better is hard.  But that is part of parenting, right?  Mom and Dad can't always fix everything, but we do the best we can to love and to guide. 

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us.  Today was so much better than yesterday.  Tomorrow is the consulate appointment. If the paperwork is all in order, they will process his visa by Tuesday.

Night:)

Day 9 Guangzhou

(Please check in on Day 7 later today.  My friend Vanessa has volunteered to help out posting pictures, so hopefully we can get that working again.)

The short version of today is that we made it safely to the hotel.  Keep reading for the longer version...

After I wrote the Day 8 post, I went out of the VIP lounge to use the bathroom.  When I returned, there was a group of men standing outside trying to get in. The glass doors were locked.  I went to the front of the crowd and stood there trying to figure out if I should start banging on the doors or just wait on them to open them.  The staff was standing on the other side and could clearly see me, but they obviously didn't want to open the doors.  After a few minutes of this, a couple of people needed to leave the lounge, so they opened the doors and I hurried inside.  About a dozen men followed me in and got through before they locked the doors again.  Several people tried to jam the door open with their feet or water bottles.  It was a little scary there for a moment.  The guide who was there got his family in and then spent some time trying to get the third American family in so that he could keep us all together.  Every time they opened the door people tried to get in, but it calmed down a lot after that. 

All I can say at this point is that when people have been waiting for a flight for 6 hours, they get very agitated.

The guide let me know that the plane that was supposed to be there at 12:30 hadn't taken off yet.  I later learned that there was a big hail storm in Guangzhou preventing take-off.  I settled in to get some sleep at that point, with Tim staying awake to monitor things.  At 2:30 I woke up to find that they were going to board us at 3:00, but when we got to the doors of the plane, they wouldn't let us on because we hadn't gone through security the second time we got tickets.  We had stayed in the boarding area.  Only at that point we didn't know what the problem was, so I just started praying they would let us on the plane.  Finally a security person who spoke English came and explained they had to check our passports to see if we matched our boarding passes, and then they let us on. 

And then we sat on the runway for another hour.  For those keeping score, we spent 11 hours at the airport before we took off at 4:30.

We made it to the hotel about 7:30, with enough time to eat breakfast, shower, and brush our teeth before getting Jack to his medical exam.  Jack was not a fan of the doctors' office.  He was exhausted from spending the night at the airport and less than cooperative. 

And then we crashed.  The only other thing we have done is eat dinner.  Jacob and Mom and the kids have had a bit more free time and went to the pool after waking up.  I hear it is lovely.

Tomorrow is church and shopping on Shamian Island.  I am looking forward to going back there, but Alison says that everything is moving off of the island and that many businesses have closed.  Still, I think it will still be a peaceful place to walk around and relax. 

We are staying at the China Hotel Marriott.  Very fancy schmancy.  And jam packed with adoptive families.  Everyone who used to stay at the White Swan now stays here apparently, although I think there are still people who stay on the island at the Victory.  I would have loved to stay on the island again.

I am way too tired to tie this up in a neat bow.  Sleep time for me:)

Day 8 Photo Dump

I will update about Day 9 in a little while, but I wanted to try to load the photos from Day 8 first. 

My dear friend Tara, who has been my backup blogger, has had a family emergency.  Her dad has had a heart attack, so everyone join me in praying for Dub.  Obviously she needs to focus on him for awhile, so the pictures may be more sporadic. Thank you, Tara, for doing such a great job!