The other day my friend, Tooz, left me a comment asking if I thought that Kate remembered her life in China. (It was actually more detailed than that. Go back to my last post to read it for yourself.) I think Tooz is great - she has been a great source of encouragement to me, so I wanted to answer her question. And since I have been asked that question by lots of people, I thought I would address it here.
The short answer is, yes. Do I think she remembers every detail? No.
Now for the long answer. The furthest back I can go in my memory is age 2 1/2. It is a very clear memory of being VERY angry with my little brother. Ben (age 6) can remember things from when he is two. Not everything, mind you, but enough. Will (age 4) and Tim don't really remember back that far. We always joke about the fact that Tim doesn't remember hardly anything from childhood, while I remember strange details about conversations and vacations and classmates, etc. So, I think different people's memories go back different distances. Obviously Kate isn't 33 or 6 or even 4, but I just wanted to point out that it is possible that someday in the future she may remember parts of her life in China.
Since she has only been with us 5 months, I think that makes it even more realistic that she remembers parts of her life in China. When my boys were that age they could tell me in great detail about events that had happened 6 months before. And she has a great memory. About 3 weeks ago my friend Christa was over playing cards. We made up a sign for her name, not really expecting Kate to remember it. I didn't think about it again until yesterday. Tim and I were talking about Christa's husband Alex, and Kate immediately did the signs for both Alex and Christa. We hadn't even mentioned Christa. There is nothing that makes me think that she doesn't have just as good of a memory as the boys.
Generally speaking, I think that children's memories (including our own memories) go back further than we think. Obviously, most of us do not remember being babies, or even toddlers for the most part. But I think that we retain subconscious memories of our early lives. We might remember feelings of love, or of security, or of fear. Things that happen to us as babies might explain why people have irrational fears. (I am not an expert. Just thinking out loud.) In the case of an abandoned child, he might retain the feeling of being terrified, cold, and hungry. If the child develops PTSD (let's face it, abandonment would be traumatic), then fear, cold, and hunger might lead to manifestations that adults don't understand. The child might not say, hey, I remember what the person who found me looked like, but he might remember complete terror. I think that this kind of memory affecting a child long term is much more likely than a memory of a happy birthday party affecting someone in the same way. Those of us who have never experienced major trauma will have trouble relating.
Kate displays no signs of PTSD. She does, however, occasionally freak out about strange things. If you remember, Kate did not like me in China. She was a total daddy's girl. I tried to get her to ride in the baby sling with me so we could bond, but she would always scream and freak out on me. We used it a couple of times once we got home, and she did fine, but we put it away in November or so. Well, this weekend she was being extremely clingy, and I thought I would get out the carrier so that she could be touching me, but I could get some things done around the house. As soon as I tied it around my waist, she panicked. She cried and screamed and Tim had to pick her up to calm her down. I tried to take her to comfort her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I have no coherent explanation for it. But maybe the carrier reminded her of how scared she used to be of me. Maybe it reminded her of being taken from her foster family. I don't know. But I don't ever underestimate that girl.
I had posted a link to a story about someone who is taken from her "beloved". The story was an analogy about a child who learns not to trust adults because they don't stick around. A child may not remember the events that led to this little "lesson", but they would remember not to trust adults for years to come. I don't think that Kate is dealing with these exact same issues, but I know way too many adoptive families to totally discount the story.
So there is your very long answer. Much longer than I intended. But by now you all know how long-winded I am, so you have been warned before. Thanks for asking such a great question, Tooz!
1 comment:
I, too, think they remember much more than we'll ever know. I think that as Mallory gets older and more verbal, more things may come up. She was used to city noises when living in Hohhot, but has recently been getting scared and clingy over loud trucks and motorcycles and such. Your post made me wonder about things from the past that might remind her of those sounds, too. How I wish we could know the things going on in their little minds and hearts.
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