Sticking with you...& Attachment issues

(Disclaimer: I am an advocate of adoption, but I am also a realist. There are wonderful parts of adoption, and there are hard parts. Although I love and adore my daughter, there is no "and they live happily ever after". This is real life, people. And real life means that you have to work at the relationships that are important to you. That's just how it is. So the following is not a happily ever after part of adoption. It is a hard part of adoption. Read at your own risk.)

Ok, this little slide show is obviously someone's homemade job, but I liked that it had the lyrics to this song, "Sticking with You" by Addison Road. A couple of weeks ago I was driving with Kate in the car, and this song came on. I had heard it before on Air1, but suddenly the lyrics took on a whole new meaning for me and my relationship with my daughter.


Let me see if I can back up and explain the significance of all of this. I have to back WAY up. (This is where those of you who don't like my tangents should move on to your next blog.) I have always taught my kids to go to sleep by themselves when they were very young. Weeks old. For years I have preached to my friends about the importance of this, and how knowing how to put yourself to sleep is a life skill. So before you (my friends whom I have tortured) read this, let me just say that I still believe this. I am so glad that I taught both of my boys to go to sleep on their own. My life is so much easier because of it. BUT....

Adopting a two year old is a whole 'nother story. She had months in an orphanage where she put herself to sleep. And as for her time in foster care, I'm not sure of her exact sleeping situation, but I am pretty sure she didn't sleep in a bedroom by herself. She learned the whole sleep thing, but she hasn't learned that she can trust me and Tim. Right now, that is a top priority. So if I have to stay with her while she goes to sleep, then I will do it because she has to learn I will always be around.

Now, this sounds really pretty, but it's easier said than done. Some nights she wants her crib, some nights she wants the twin bed. Some nights she wants to be rocked and cuddled, some nights she doesn't want me to touch her.

In the adoption world, there is this big issue out there that most of you have probably never heard about. It's called attachment. Basically, adopted kids need to attach to their parents, and vice versa. This means trust, safety, continuity, affection, and a belief that this person isn't going anywhere. Sounds simple right? Umm, no. This is hard work, and the list of red flags we are told to look for is a mile long. Sleep can be a huge obstacle in all of this because sleep is one of the places where we are most vulnerable. So it is bound to be scary for a small child in the midst of strangers.

Anyway, on the hardest nights, she wants to lie alone and whimper. So I pick her up. She screams and fights and kicks. She cries, mourns. I could put her down and let her fight her demons by herself. That is what she wants after all, but I am her mommy. And it is the mommy's job to comfort the baby. Sometimes I even say that over and over as she fights me. I pull her close and tell her I love her. Sometimes I cry with her. I cry out to God to help her to understand, to bring her peace. I remind myself (and God) over and over that He is trustworthy and He loves her even more than I do.

Now, this scene doesn't happen often. And as we spend more time together, it happens less and less. She is learning to trust me to comfort her. She has been sleeping on the twin mattress, and I have been lying next to her until she sleeps. When she tries to push me away, she can't because I am too big. Then I kiss the hand that pushed me, and I tell her I love her. After several attempts, she gives it up and snuggles in. The other night she woke up crying in the middle of the night. When I reached out to her, she reached back. She wanted me to comfort her. She is learning to trust.

I have debated on whether to mention any of this at all, because it is personal. And it's really none of your business. But at the same time, I know there are other adoptive parents out there dealing with the same thing. Only, no one is talking about it. (Ok, almost no one. Thank you to those who are.) So, let me just say that you are not alone. This is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with, but I know that there are parents out there dealing with attachment issues much more serious than ours. Know that you are not alone either. Attachment can be really hard, and it takes a lot of work. It's not something that happens over night.

As I have shared all of this with some of my dear friends, they have reminded me that all of this is so similar to our relationship with God. Don't we want to handle our problems alone? Don't we repeatedly push God away because it's scary to need Him? To need anybody? We want to be independent and do it ourselves, but the truth is, we need the comfort of our Father. We need to trust Him to provide for us and keep us safe. We need to trust that He is always going to be around and He will not leave us. But that is a hard lesson.

So back to the song... Kate, you can fight me, scream at me, whatever. I'm gonna be around. I'm sticking with you.