My life right now is a lot like having a three month old in the house who can walk. He can't communicate his needs, which means he cries a lot. He isn't feeling very well and is having some sleeping issues, which means Tim and I aren't sleeping much. Add to that that he wants to be held all of the time, and when he is not he is following me around the house. That is my life.
(Which means there is not a lot of down time right now for writing. Don't be surprised if this lacks coherence. I may have to hit Publish without proofreading.)
Thankfully I have a lot of gracious friends and relatives who are helping lots with the big kids. They have already been on more trips and adventures this summer than I could count on one hand - church camp, the lake, my aunt's, my uncle Ricky's pool, plus our family vacation to North Carolina with Tim's family. At the moment Kate is at the movies with my mom, and the boys are on an adventure with my dad and Jee in San Diego.
Jack is thankfully taking a nap, but every few minutes he cries in his sleep. I should probably be napping too, considering how little sleep I got last night, but these moments alone are few and far between. I feel the need to hoard them, doing small things that I enjoy rather than the laundry that is waiting for me downstairs.
I also feel the need to attempt to express something about our family dynamics at the moment. (Other than the fact that I keep shipping my kids off.) Jack seems to have decided that Kate NaNa is his buddy. When I am otherwise occupied she helps him go up and down the stairs, she helps him put on his pjs, and she can find his bottle and other beloved comfort items. However, she is not without jealousy. She occasionally drinks out of his bottle herself and wears his bibs.
The boys love him, but they are often loud and in his face. Which means that Jack thinks that he should scream at them anytime they get near him. Which means that they think that he doesn't like them because he is always screaming at them. I have tried to explain the circular logic at work here and how they can change this dynamic. Ben is starting to pick up on how to handle Jack gently. Will (typically The Baby Whisperer) is just mad that Jack doesn't adore him the same way other small children do.
Jack and I are still very much trying to figure each other out. I don't think I have a full grasp of what this transition will eventually look like because I am still smack-dab in the middle of it, desperate for a hot meal and a full eight hours. Someday maybe I will sit down and put the right words to it, but for now this feeble attempt will have to do.
The first month together was the honeymoon period. The second month together was reality hitting him (and us) in the face that this was going to be harder than we thought. We really had to back up and focus on Jack's needs and attachment.
This past month has been a dance where we move two steps forward and one step back. Which thankfully adds up to more steps forward than back, but is still a lot of extra steps. As I said earlier, he wants me to hold him, wants me near him, and seeks me out for comfort. And all of this is very good and necessary work that needs to go on in our relationship. But in the next minute he will refuse to let me help him, throw a toy at me, and then look miserable that I have no idea what he is trying to tell me. Also very normal behavior.
But that doesn't mean that I am not exhausted. I am tired. Unless you are a doctor's office, I have done a terrible job at returning your emails and phone calls. I haven't read a good book or my favorite blogs in weeks because there is no alone time, and I really need to be present with my kids when they are with me anyway, especially in this time when all four of my kids are so very needy of my attention and time.
Tim and I have a friend who likes to say, "Four is a challenge." I used to laugh when he said it, but those are the truest words in my life right now. Learning this new dance of being a family of six is fun and exciting, but I am doing a lot of tripping over my own feet at the moment. Thank you to everyone who is blessing us with the space on the dance floor to work out the moves. I think I will get it eventually.
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