And Now for Will and Kate's Christmas Song

Will and Kate's choir opened the Christmas program last week.  They sang four songs, and Will and Kate both had solos in the last song.

However, Will ended up stealing the show.

He started out with the wrong words, and, well, he messed up, said, "Oh, Poop," and the whole congregation roared with laughter.  Maybe someday you will see it on tv:)


Thankfully he recovered magnificently, and he and his sister sang their hearts out.  

We are very proud of both of them and how hard they worked to learn their song.  And we can't wait until next year's performance!

Ben's Christmas Play

Ben was thrilled, and maybe a little bit fearful, when he was cast in one of the lead roles of this year's church Christmas play.  He did a fantastic job, and we are super proud of him.  Grandparents, here you go:

Guess who learned to suck through a straw today?

Apparently Strawberries Wild from Jamba Juice is a great motivator.  Either that or the desire to do every single thing that his brothers and sister do.  Take your pick.

Yay, Jack!

Happy Birthday Kate (and Happy Kate NaNa Day too)

Many of you who hang out here already know this, but October is a big month for Kate.  Her birthday, date of abandonment, Kate NaNa Day, and her adoption day all fall within 12 days of each other.  And for those of you schooled in adoption issues, you know that means lots of different emotions crammed into a very small window.  This topic could probably be a post all of its own, but suffice it to say that she experiences excitement, grief, joy, and deep introspection - often all within about an hour.  Those of you who have witnessed a child grieve, you know they express it in many ways.  Kate is no exception. Her heart aches at the thought that she will never meet her first parents or see her foster mother again. She tells me that she misses China and wants to visit again soon.  Her feelings are valid, because it is sad to lose those things. Yet she still loves us deeply, despite (or perhaps because of) her grief and loss.  Adoption is complicated and messy and beautiful and redeeming all rolled into one big ball.  For Kate it just all comes at the same time. 

Anyway, the first of these big days comes in mid-October, when we celebrate Kate NaNa Day.  This was the four year anniversary of when we met our girl.  In our family it is a tradition that we go out to eat Chinese food, and then Tim and I give her a small gift that we bought for her in China.  This year it was a purple change purse at P.F. Chang's.

 

Ten days later her birthday (which also happens to be her date of citizenship) rolled around, and she wanted to celebrate with pizza and video games.  It was a good night for prizes. 

And last but not least, we had her birthday party the following weekend. For her party, she requested chocolate cake and Chinese dumplings.  We make the dumplings, or jiaozi, from scratch.  So with about 25 people at the party, that was a lot of dumplings.  Chinese families often make these together during celebrations, so I decided to insert some Chinese tradition into the party. Most people who attended learned to make them. I had the filling mixed and ready, and the guests helped roll, fill, crimp, and fry the dumplings. It was a huge undertaking for everyone, but it was a lot of fun and delicious.  They were a big hit.

I also managed to make my first chocolate cake from scratch.  Our family tries to buy only fair trade chocolate, but it was a challenge to find a good scratch recipe.  My aunt ended up mailing me her favorite one for a chocolate cinnamon cake, which was a big hit.  I love the icing so much it makes me want to cry.

As I was putting her to bed the night of the party, Kate told me, "That was my best party day I ever had."  I was glad, and asked her what she liked about it.  "I got a Hello Kitty alarm clock, Daddy set off firecrackers, and I got to eat my dumplings."  Add a lot of friends and family to that equation, and it really was a wonderful day.

Kate,
I love you sweet girl, and I love being your mama.  I am glad you have a tender heart and process everything deeply. It is such a wonderful part of who you are and how you care about other people.  You are a joy to parent, and I can't wait to see all of the amazing things you will do with your life.  And if you really do move back to China when you are a grown up, I will still come and visit you - probably more than you like:)

Overwhelmed.

If I had to pick one word to describe the last four weeks (yep, almost a month during which I haven't blogged), it would be overwhelming. 

While I sometimes like to write with lightheartedness or sarcasm, other times I feel that vulnerability and honesty are the better way.  October (and September, if I am being truthful) calls for that. 

Overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed with the number of appointments. My kids and/or I have had appointments with plastic surgeons, ophthalmologists, optometrists, ENTs, audiologists, orthodontists, dentists, speech and language pathologists, OB/GYNs, teachers, and pediatricians. I think we are currently averaging around five appointments a week.

I am overwhelmed with my kids activities.  Individually, it really isn't that much, but since there are four of them, it feels like more.  This fall the three big kids played soccer.  This winter Kate and Will are playing basketball.  Ben is on the academic team.  Ben and Kate want (and really should) take swimming lessons (and I am sure I will force Will to go as well).  Will and Kate also are in Bible Club at school.  Ben has an important role in the church Christmas play (which thankfully requires very little effort on my part), and Kate and Will are in the younger kids choir.  For now, I go to Sunday school with Jack to help him feel comfortable and safe, which we are thiiiisss close to achieving. 

I am overwhelmed by the pain of those that I love.  There are multiple people in my life who are hurting, and I want to fix everything for them.  I can't.  I can listen. I can hug.  I can pray. I can cook.  But I can't fix anything. (And those of you who are in that pain, please don't stop calling me.  I will worry about you whether you call me or not.  Talking to you actually helps. I mean it.)

I am overwhelmed by laundry, gardening, dirty floors, dirty toilets, disobedient children, screaming children (mostly one in particular), home repairs, phone calls, husbands who work around 50 hours a week, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, birthday parties, homework, children's church, political debates, and committee meetings.

But.

And this is a big but;)

I am also overwhelmed with the support I am getting from those I love.  My friends and family have been incredibly supportive of me and my family through all of the stuff I wrote about above.  They have let me vent, cry, and stomp my foot.  And then they make me laugh.  They cook for me and my children.  They help me make plans to make my life easier and talk through my options and give me their honest opinions.  Between my family, my college roommates, my book club, my fellow adoptive parents, and my friends who live thousands of miles away but still call to check on me on a regular basis, I am overwhelmed with support.

I am overwhelmed with joy spending time with my small group at church.  I, along with two other amazing women, work with teen girls each week.  These girls rock.  They are smart, funny, passionate, and compassionate, I can't believe I get to sit and laugh with them every week. 

I am overwhelmed with love.  Because even though we are crazy busy, my kids still take time to crawl up in my lap (or rather, my arms since I am not usually sitting) and tell me that they love me.  My husband still makes me feel beautiful and smart. And my God still reminds me Every. Single. Day. that He is in control of all of this.  Love. 

So, yes, I am overwhelmed.  With good, bad, and in between.  But it is all good.  And this too shall pass.  In about sixteen years.  I really have an amazing life.  If a tad overwhelming at the moment.

Now I Remember...

All day long I have felt like I was forgetting something.  I have been wracking my brain.  Appointment? No.  Phone calls that need to be made? Made them and still didn't shake it.  Soccer game? Not until Saturday.

Just now I got an email from a family waiting for their TA so they can go get their little boy.  They asked me a timeline question, so I hopped over here to my blog, where my adoption timeline still lives down there in the bottom right-hand column.

And there it was.  On September 27, 2011, I got an email with FW: Adam: Su, Yin Tao in the subject line.  And I knew.  I knew it was a kid from Suzhou.  I knew it was my son.  I opened up the email and saw this face:

It was 5 o'clock in the afternoon.  Everyone was headed home for the afternoon.  Within an hour I had left a frantic message on the voicemail of our agency rep, called the agency that sent me the email (different from our agency) and left them a message, and called my husband. Within 24 hours I had found his finding ad online with another picture and had consulted with an SLP, a pediatrician, and an audiologist.  Of course, it took until October 3 before we were able to lock him in.  But on September 27, 2012, I knew. 

Jack, I am so glad that God directed our steps to you.  You bring our family so much joy.  I love you more every day. 

Because they will outgrow these before the end of winter...

All About Kate

I seem to have several short, Kate-centric anecdotes to share, so I thought I would combine them all into one post.

Story number 1:
Kate has lost her first two (non-cleft related) teeth.  The first one came out while she was playing July 2 at her buddy Olivia's house. (Yes, I am a belated blogger.) It was so loose I could've plucked it right out, but she insisted she wanted it to "just fall out."  And it did.  It bled a little bit, and she cried.  I asked her if it hurt, and she said that it didn't.  So then I asked her why she was crying.  She looked at me and said, "Oh, yeah," and immediately stopped crying and gave me a huge smile.

 

The second one came out between Sunday school and church one Sunday in August.  It just fell out.  No crying this time.  The end.

Story number 2:

Kate loves soccer.  In the spring she played in the 6-7 league with her brother because a) It meant less driving for me and b) She can totally hold her own.  So even though big brother Will moved up to the 8-10 league this fall, we left her in the 6-7 league, even though she is only 5 1/2. On Monday she played in the pouring rain (no lightening at all), and scored her first two goals ever!  The team won 5-2, and she was very proud of herself.

Story number 3:
At school, Kate was nominated for the "Take Pride In Your Work" award. When she came home with the paper and a note from the principal, I bragged on her and talked to her about what that award meant.  I thought she understood it, until her Mimi called an hour later.

Me: Kate, your Mimi is on the phone.  Come here and tell her what your award is for.
Kate: (shrugs) Being a little Chinese person?

Apparently I have done such a thorough job of instilling ethnic pride in my daughter that she thinks she gets awards for it.  Either that, or she has more personality than I know what to do with.

Story number 4:
Will wants me to add that he just taught her to play piano without any lessons.  Seriously, she is downstairs playing a song he taught her.  Good job, Will and Kate!

Jack: Two Weeks Post-Op

Thankfully Jack is on a solid diet now.  We are still keeping it fairly soft (no pretzels because Mama is mean like that), but he is mostly eating regular foods.  If he could talk, I am pretty sure he would say that he is never leaving the kitchen table ever again, thankyouverymuch.  He is that obsessed with food. He thinks about it all. the. time.

Also thankfully, his signing vocabulary has probably doubled since his surgery.  He was already signing more and milk, with an occasional - water, up, and down - thrown in there.  He now signs water all the time, and also signs: banana, food, shoes, socks, and please. We are very impressed.  And he is very impressed with himself.  There is something magical about that moment when a child realizes that he can communicate what he wants, and that mom and dad Understand! It is beautiful.

We are still watching one of those spots in his repaired palate to make sure it isn't a fistula, but no amount of watching will make it be or not be a fistula.  So I am trying my best to leave him alone and wait for the surgeon to look at it again in two weeks.

I have lost track of how many health care professionals my children have seen in the past month.  Seriously.  Dentists, surgeons, speech therapists.  I am not a soccer mom.  I am a waiting room mom.  Go team.

And now for some pictures.  I took these about a month ago, but forgot to post them.  I was probably in a waiting room when I should have been posting.

 

 

   

Jack: One Week Post-Op

Jack saw the plastic surgeon today for his one week post-op appointment.  Dr. L. said that it looked like it was healing well, and that if a fistula (hole) was going to form at this point, there isn't much we can do about it.  He said that chances are that there will be no fistula, but he pointed out a couple of locations where they could possibly develop.  And yes, Jack is still on liquids/baby food consistency until Tuesday.  Blah.

He hates hates hates his current diet.  I am not sure what he hates more - that he can't have normal food or that we don't let him have full control over the spoons and syringes we use to feed him.  For a kid with food control issues, this is a killer. His diet right now is mostly yogurt, baby food bananas, hummus, and Pediasure milkshakes. And he is eating less - he is kind of bored with it.  Who can blame him?  There are only so many times you can eat baby oatmeal without wanting to fling it at the wall.

And one thing I have learned: baby food is just as nasty now as it was ten years ago when I fed it to Ben.  Yay.

On the bright side, he isn't in any pain, we are finished with all medications, and he is back in his own bed (even if he still isn't sleeping through the night). He is also using a B sound now.  I just got serenaded with a beautiful song called "Ma-ma-ba-ma-ba-ba". It was awesome. We are praying that he won't develop any fistulas and that his healing will continue over the course of the next months and years. 

Jack's Surgery, Part 2

I apologize for not posting another update yesterday, but once your child comes out of surgery there are more important things than blogging. The repair went well, but it was more complicated than the doctor thought it was going to be.  The repaired cleft in his lip was unilateral, so the assumption was that the palate was too.  We were also hoping that since his gumline is mostly intact that he would not require a bone graft when he is 7 or 8.  We were wrong on both counts.  Apparently the palate was more of a bilateral cleft, which means there is a cleft on both sides of the mouth.  I knew it looked bilateral to me, but I had never had a doctor tell me it was, so I just assumed that my uneducated eye didn't know what it was looking at. 

Also, the clefts extend into the bone of the gum line.  So even though it looks like his gum line isn't affected much, he is missing bone on both sides and will need a bilateral graft later on.  This is disappointing news for Jack, but will be manageable, of course.  Bone grafts are just considered to be very painful surgeries - I know from experience with my leg that the bone doesn't really numb.  The skin and tissue around it might be numb, but when you mess with that bone it hurts like the devil.

Ear tube placement also went well, although we haven't actually talked to Dr. V.  She had another appointment to get to, but it apparently was a standard tube insertion.  His ears don't seem to be bothering him.

His mouth on the other hand, hurts a lot.  He spent most of yesterday curled up on top of me, either sleeping or moaning, or moaning in his sleep.  He didn't sleep very well, and any rest he did get was thanks to some good drugs.  Today he is feeling much better, but still  not himself.  There is still some drainage and it hurts for him to swallow.  We are having to force feed him liquids, pudding, and applesauce with a syringe so the doctor will let us go home. 

We did venture out of the room today.  We went and found the playroom, where we played trains for awhile.  He also spent most of the morning awake, playing trucks and reading.

The plan from here is to go home this afternoon/evening.  He will then be on a liquid/baby food diet for two weeks, so don't expect to see us much in any place where they might serve food. My boy loves to eat, so this will be hard for him.

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons
• Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist  
• Appointments, Part 5: Early Intervention 
• Appointments, Part 6: Speech 
• Appoingments, Part 7: ENTs (and Plastic Surgery Revisited)
• Jack's Surgery (Part 1)

Jack's Surgery

Jack has gone into surgery. Tim and I are hanging, seriously considering breakfast and any other distraction that might come our way. They are going to place ear tubes, do a sedated ABR (hearing test), and then Dr. L will repair his palate. It will probably take around three hours, but each doctor will give updates as they finish their part.

I am a big bundle of nerves.  Trying to prepare my heart for the crying and clinging that will happen.  Praying that he is already asleep and that Dr. V already has those tubes in. Praying that when he wakes that they will get us back there super fast to comfort that sweet little man.  Praying that everything goes more smoothly and perfectly than any tube/palate job ever. 

Not impressed with the new jammies.

Much more impressed with the transportation.

Will. My Eight Year Old.

 

I was walking down the stairs today, and I noticed a picture of Will that hangs on the wall there.  I walk past the pictures that hang there a million times a day, rarely taking the time to slow down and look at them.  In the photo, he is four years old.  His face is round, with kissable cheeks, sparkling eyes, and a noticeable lack of freckles, considering his current tally of "sprinkles." It was shortly after this picture that his face started to lose the "baby-ness."  Suddenly, he was a big boy.

Will is my mama's boy.  (Jack is in hot pursuit of that title, but Will is hanging on for dear life.) I always tell him that no one loves me quite the way that he does.  (Not the amount, mind, but the way he does it.)  When he hugs me I can feel it in my bones.

  

And I am constantly amazed at how much he has grown up.  He isn't a baby any more.  He is a second grader.  He is the "grit" of the soccer team.  He is a beginning piano student who has joy in every correct note.  He is the kid who gets off the bus and proudly shows me his perfect spelling test.

Oh, and he adores small children.  He was my biggest asset when I was babysitting regularly.  He could usually figure out what was wrong and how to make the baby stop crying before I did.  He loves his brothers and sister fiercely, and loves torturing them almost as much.

He still makes me laugh like crazy.  Still says off the wall things.  And we will be using Will-isms until we die.  (Nevah-evah-evah! It's too much soup! Shirts are very important to me. That was a sarcasm. I knew I would have a great life.)  A friend of ours who goes to the local college (where we know lots of folks)  said she overheard another student using a Will-ism one day - and it was someone we don't even know.  The girl apparently thought it was a movie quote because she had heard it so often from our friend.

Of course, those of you who know Will personally also know that this is the child that has taught me the most about parenting.  Any patience, creativity, or gray hairs that I exhibit come from parenting this child.  He keeps me on my toes, this one.

But, oh.  How I love this kid.  I love every sprinkle on his face.  I love his persistence and tenacity - which make me crazy, but will serve him well in life.  I love his search for justice in his life and in the world.  I can't wait to see how God will use this kid. It's going to be awesome. 

Birthday Bash: Will & Jack

Last year we had one massive birthday party for all three kids, regardless of the fact that their birthdays spread across a 4 month time span.  It's a long story, but suffice it to say that it is much easier to throw one massive party than three big parties, when more than half the guest lists overlap. 

As the birthdays approached this year, they all wanted different parties.  Ben wanted to take a friend for pizza and video games.  Kate wanted to go to a local pumpkin patch.  Will wanted a pool party.  His only rule was that he wasn't sharing his party with his brother.

Except then we met Jack.  Whose birthday is six days after Will's.  And Will said, "Of course, we will just share the same party."  And I said, "But you said you wouldn't share with your brother."  And he said, "I meant the other brother."

And so we once again had a shared party.  Which is just fine by me.  And the grandparents who have to travel.  My uncle graciously agreed to open his home and his pool to us, and our craziness.  Thanks again, Ricky:)

Will designed his own cake this year.  C3PO kept falling over, so we had to push him way far into the cake.  Hence, his short stature in the picture.

Jack wanted to wave his candles out, but once I blew them out for him demonstrated, he did his best to pretend to blow.

And thanks again to Grammy, because this mama forgot the camera at home.  Yes, I am that awesome.  Oh well, at least my kids are awesome. 

School Time

I never did get around to posting about the fabulous-ness of the 2011-12 school year, but it really was all that and a bag of chips.  My kids have had excellent teachers in the past, but it was the first time that all three of them were just in the perfect spot for them.  Kate was in her third year of preschool with her beloved Mrs. Whoa-ah (whose name isn't really Mrs. Whoa-ah, but that was how Kate said it when she was three). Will had the wonderful and amazing Mrs. H., whose presence he still mourns daily.  And Ben had Mrs. B., who really got Ben.  You know what I mean?  She understood where he was academically and how to challenge him, but she also seemed to understand his quirky, off the wall personality.  It was just a good year for growth and positive change.

So, you would think that with a year like that under our belts that all three of the kids would be super excited to start another year, right?  Nope.  Not so much.  Well, actually Kate was excited, until about a week before it started, and then the reality hit her that she wasn't going to be in Mrs. Whoa-ah's class any more.

Will spent half of his summer writing letters and postcards to Mrs. H and wondering why she couldn't just teach 2nd grade this year.

Ben was under-whelmed with the whole thing, being a cool almost-4th grader and all.

So, off to school they all went.

Annual First Day of School Breakfast with Daddy

(Don't worry, Kate changed her clothes and combed her hair before school. I promise, Mimi.)

When they got off the bus the first day, I was eager to hear about how awesome it was.  Ben thinks that he has the the nicest teacher in school, and therefore the best teacher in school.  As long as he is learning, I will just keep on agreeing with him.  (He got an A on his first science test, so we are well on our way.)

Will was disappointed that most of his friends are in another class, but happy to be reunited with an old Kindergarten friend.  Since then he has decided that 2nd grade is boring because he hasn't learned anything new yet.  I assured him that it is only the 3rd week of school, so they are only getting warmed up.  (I hope this is true.  Ben spent most of 2nd grade bored, which was why we were so excited about how good 3rd grade was.)

I was most excited to hear about Kate's day, since she is the Kindergartener after all.  So I asked her, "How was your day?"

K: Well, it was a bit "disturbing." (She actually used finger quotes around the word "disturbing."  Where does she get this stuff?)
Me: It was "disturbing?" In what way?
K: Well, my teacher is a little bit bossy.

Oh, boy. 

Me: Well, dear, she is the boss of your classroom, so she does get to be bossy. 
K: Well, I don't like it.  Mrs. Whoa-ah was never bossy.
Me: That's because you acted like you were the boss in Mrs. Whoa-ah's room.  You just didn't notice that the teacher was. 

Everyday that week went on with a similar report.  The boys tried to tell her how it was.  She still didn't like it.  The following Monday, I asked again.

K: My day has come!
Me: Wow, that's great.  What does that mean?
K: I get to be star student for the week. So I get to be line leader and tell about myself and choose first at choice time and a bunch of other stuff. 
Me: Awesome.  I'm glad your day has come. 

This week another child is star student, so she thinks the teacher is bossy again.

It might be a long year with this one.

Poor Impulse Control

In case you haven't heard, I really like Jack's new plastic surgeon.  He is bright, young, and enthusiastic. 

And he cracked me up.

Early on in the appointment he commented that I had my hands full with Kate and Jack.  I laughed and said that this was only half of the crew.  He shook his head and made the standard "Oh, you are such saints," comment.  This comment makes me crazy.  Anyone who has said this to me in real life knows that I always answer, "No, we aren't saints.  We are just doing what we want to do - parenting kids."

He must have seen it on my face (everything I think shows on my face).  To answer him I started out, "No, we aren't saints," and he interrupted me with a smile and said, "Oh, so it's just poor impulse control then." 

And I laughed. "Yes, exactly!"  Because that is exactly my brand of sarcastic, dry humor. 

So I have decided that this may be my new answer when someone tells me what I saint I am.  "No, I just have really bad impulse control."  Then I will shake my head and walk away. 

As if you could adopt a kid on a whim.  An impulse. 

I am cracking up just thinking about it.  Hehe. 

Appointments, Part 7: ENTs (and Plastic Surgery Revisited)

I have had messages from several of you about what a bad, bad blogger I have been. During the summer Tim is gone a lot with the church youth, and I am doing the single parent thing.  Plus, the kids are home with me all day, which means by the time they drop into bed at night, I am to tired to process a coherent thought. I thought about writing this morning because I didn't have anything on my schedule.  But then I spent an hour scheduling doctor's appointments for five different people.  Good times.  

Anyway, on to the point of this post.  ENTs and plastic surgery.  Now you may be wondering why I am talking about plastic surgery again, when I just talked about plastic surgery two months ago.

Well, after Jack saw the Commission doctors, we saw the ENT that did Kate's first set of tubes, thinking that he would do Jack's too.  Sure enough, he was willing to work with Dr. Andy to do them at the same time as the palate repair, but he was unwilling to do the sedated ABR (hearing test) the same day.  He said he really preferred to do the the tubes and ABR first, and then let them do the palate repair later. 

I nicely told him that if he was unwilling that I would have to take Jack to the other major hospital in town (that Kate is now a patient of) and let them do it all over there.

Suddenly he was a willing participant.

Fine.  So I spent the next two weeks playing phone tag with the ENT's surgical coordinator and Dr. Andy's surgical coordinator, trying to get them to work together.  They finally called me back with a date in the middle of August.

Fine.  So then the next day I got a call from the Commission (remember how much I love them, she says sarcastically) telling me that Jack cannot get the sedated ABR done at this particular hospital because they (the Commission) don't have an audiologist contracted over there.  They wanted me to go ahead and have the tubes and palate done, and then have a non-sedated ABR done in their office at a later date.

Fine.  So I spent the next 24 hours mulling over all of this, and I realized that we were talking about something that was still more than two months away.  I then I realized that this was more than enough time to research other options.  Because at this point, I was fed up beyond belief at having to argue with the Commission, argue with a doctor, and play phone tag for weeks on end.

So, being me, I went into research mode again.  I go to the Rumor Queen boards.  I go to the Adopt Cleft Yahoo boards.  I call people I know locally.  And I learned I had a couple of really excellent options at that other hospital across town (where Kate sees her ENT).  So I made the call to the Commission to request an appointment with the physicians over there.  Of course, they wanted me to wait and go through clinic again.

In August or September.

No, we just went through clinic in May.  I am not waiting until August or September.  I want to go to their offices and see them there.  Now.

And so we spent last Wednesday at that other hospital seeing Dr. V, the ENT, and Dr. L, the plastic surgeon. 

Dr. V was very nice.  She took what little history we had and agreed that Jack probably needs tubes placed.  She explained that because it is such a minor procedure and the palate repair is a much more complicated surgery, that the palate repair would be scheduled first, and then whatever ENT in their practice was at the hospital that day would do the tubes.  Since we are already in there so often and I know how they work, I am comfortable with that. 

Then we went downstairs to see Dr. L.  Now, every time I asked for recommendations for Dr. L, people would say, "Oh, he is the fireball.  You will love him." And then they would go on to tell me how he pours himself into his patients, staying on top of the latest techniques, and is just eager to do his best every single day.

He did not disappoint.  We saw his student first (SOP at this teaching hospital), and then Dr. L came in without a white coat.  Ie, he didn't terrify Jack right off the bat. He takes a bit of history, looks at his palate, explains to me structurally why Jack's left ear is a little different from the right one, notices the stitch that has been in his lip since that repair in March 2011.  He tells me that he doesn't use no-nos on kids this old and that Jack doesn't have to be weaned from his soft-spout sippy.  He notices Kate, asks if he could look at her palate repair.  Kate says no, but I try to persuade her.  He stops me and says, "No, that's ok if she doesn't want to."  Ie, he cares about how patients feel, even when it isn't his patient.

Then he told me that his surgical coordinator was on vacation all week, but that he knew he had an opening on August 28 so if we could get it all coordinated that it would probably be that day.  I am sorry, but I have never known a surgeon to have a clue what their schedule looks like a month out with a coordinator telling them.  Wow.

Then he gave me his personal email address (in case I thought of any other questions) and his personal secretary's phone number (in case I couldn't get him via email).  Again, never had a surgeon do that before.

Oh, and we were in and out in just over 25 minutes (not counting new patient paperwork) and spent about 20 minutes of it with him.  Again, a record.  

So, all that long story, just to say that we now have a new plastic surgeon and a new ENT.  Still waiting on the final details, but it looks like they will do the repair, the tubes, and the ABR all at the same time, and Jack will spend the night at the hospital .  I am feeling good about the whole thing, whereas I had a bad feeling about everything over at the other place, what with the arguing and such.  Those other docs are good physicians/surgeons, I like the other hospital fine, but I think that this is a good place for Jack right now. 

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons
• Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist  
• Appointments, Part 5: Early Intervention 
• Appointments, Part 6: Speech

Posts (yet to come) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Surgery 
• ???

Dear Jack,

I feel like you and I are still getting to know each other... there are still so many things I want to know about you!  But at the same time, I feel like I have learned a lot in the last three months.  And with knowing you better, comes loving you more.

I love the way that you run across a room, arms open wide to greet me with a hug and a kiss, even though you just hugged me a minute and a half ago. 

I love the way you grin at me when you know that I understand that you want more milk.

I love it when I am laying down in your bed with you and you lean over and give me a kiss.  I also love it when you put your sweet little hand on my cheek. 

I love how you work so hard to learn new things.  Like yesterday, you were determined to pick up that toy hamburger with your toy spatula and put it in the pan.  You would scream every time you dropped it, but then you would pick it up and try it again.  And eventually you did it, and you were so proud of yourself. 

I love how you are starting to sign more and more.  You can sign "more" and "milk" fairly well, but we are still working on "water" and "eat".  I am confident that you are going to do it.  You are determined, and so am I.

I love that you will eat almost anything I put in front you.  As long as the person next to you doesn't have something different. If they do, you want their food instead. 

I love how you play independently.  You can play with your cars or your blocks for several minutes at a time.  You want me in the room (and would prefer it if I were playing with you), but you can do this while I wash dishes or fold laundry. 

I love how you are starting to trust me.  Sometimes you might be scared, but when you are in my arms your fears seem to melt away a bit.  I am glad you are learning that I will keep you safe. 

I love it when you walk with your hands behind your back.  You look like a little old man.  It is the cutest thing I ever saw. 

I love being your mama.  And I love that you are starting to call me that. 

My Sweet Ben

Last week we celebrated Ben's 10th birthday.

TEN.  That's double digits, people.

(He adores all things Harry Potter and Star Wars.  It was a close contest for whose face would get to grace his birthday cake. )

Excuse me while I get a little choked up and take a walk down memory lane...

 

Ben,

You are one of the kindest, smartest, funniest people I know.  You love to read and write and draw and build Legos.  I am so proud of your creativity and your persistence.  You are a good friend and a great big brother, and you are loved by everyone who knows you.  I adore your quirky sense of humor and generous heart.  I love you even more than I did 10 years ago.  I am so thankful that I get to be your mama.

I love you,
Mom

Where We Are

My life right now is a lot like having a three month old in the house who can walk.  He can't communicate his needs, which means he cries a lot.  He isn't feeling very well and is having some sleeping issues, which means Tim and I aren't sleeping much.  Add to that that he wants to be held all of the time, and when he is not he is following me around the house.  That is my life. 

(Which means there is not a lot of down time right now for writing.  Don't be surprised if this lacks coherence.  I may have to hit Publish without proofreading.) 

Thankfully I have a lot of gracious friends and relatives who are helping lots with the big kids.  They have already been on more trips and adventures this summer than I could count on one hand - church camp, the lake, my aunt's, my uncle Ricky's pool, plus our family vacation to North Carolina with Tim's family.  At the moment Kate is at the movies with my mom, and the boys are on an adventure with my dad and Jee in San Diego. 

Jack is thankfully taking a nap, but every few minutes he cries in his sleep.  I should probably be napping too, considering how little sleep I got last night, but these moments alone are few and far between.  I feel the need to hoard them, doing small things that I enjoy rather than the laundry that is waiting for me downstairs. 

I also feel the need to attempt to express something about our family dynamics at the moment.  (Other than the fact that I keep shipping my kids off.)  Jack seems to have decided that Kate NaNa is his buddy.  When I am otherwise occupied she helps him go up and down the stairs, she helps him put on his pjs, and she can find his bottle and other beloved comfort items.  However, she is not without jealousy.  She occasionally drinks out of his bottle herself and wears his bibs. 

The boys love him, but they are often loud and in his face.  Which means that Jack thinks that he should scream at them anytime they get near him.  Which means that they think that he doesn't like them because he is always screaming at them.  I have tried to explain the circular logic at work here and how they can change this dynamic.  Ben is starting to pick up on how to handle Jack gently.  Will (typically The Baby Whisperer) is just mad that Jack doesn't adore him the same way other small children do. 

Jack and I are still very much trying to figure each other out.  I don't think I have a full grasp of what this transition will eventually look like because I am still smack-dab in the middle of it, desperate for a hot meal and a full eight hours.  Someday maybe I will sit down and put the right words to it, but for now this feeble attempt will have to do.

The first month together was the honeymoon period.  The second month together was reality hitting him (and us) in the face that this was going to be harder than we thought.  We really had to back up and focus on Jack's needs and attachment. 

This past month has been a dance where we move two steps forward and one step back.  Which thankfully adds up to more steps forward than back, but is still a lot of extra steps.  As I said earlier, he wants me to hold him, wants me near him, and seeks me out for comfort.  And all of this is very good and necessary work that needs to go on in our relationship.  But in the next minute he will refuse to let me help him, throw a toy at me, and then look miserable that I have no idea what he is trying to tell me.  Also very normal behavior. 

But that doesn't mean that I am not exhausted.  I am tired.  Unless you are a doctor's office, I have done a terrible job at returning your emails and phone calls.  I haven't read a good book or my favorite blogs in weeks because there is no alone time, and I really need to be present with my kids when they are with me anyway, especially in this time when all four of my kids are so very needy of my attention and time. 

Tim and I have a friend who likes to say, "Four is a challenge." I used to laugh when he said it, but those are the truest words in my life right now.  Learning this new dance of being a family of six is fun and exciting, but I am doing a lot of tripping over my own feet at the moment.  Thank you to everyone who is blessing us with the space on the dance floor to work out the moves.  I think I will get it eventually.

Appointments, Part 6: Speech

Please forgive my lack of posting.  We have been on vacation, and I am still trying to find our new out-of-school norm.

I mentioned earlier that our state's Early Intervention folks had done an evaluation on Jack, and there was one area that he qualified for services: Speech.  He has almost caught up in every other area, but his speech is very slow in coming.  I get a lot of questions about Jack's speech, so I figured that this would be a good place to answer some basic questions.

Can he speak English?

This one gets an eye roll out of me every time.  No, he can't speak English.  Most 21 month olds that I know aren't exactly fluent, ya know?

How will you teach him English?

The same way every English-speaking parent teaches their baby English - they talk to him.  Children learn to understand new languages amazingly fast.  That's why people should learn second or third languages as small children instead of as adults or teenagers.  (But wait, that's another rant of mine.)

Can he speak Chinese?

Nope, he can't speak Chinese either.  The thing is, he doesn't speak.  He babbles.  Because of his cleft palate (the big, gaping hole in the roof of his mouth that goes up into his nasal cavity) he cannot produce most consonant sounds.  He can't make the puff of air he needs for some sounds.  Couple that with the fact that he hasn't been encouraged to babble and play with his sounds.  You know how parents copy their baby's sounds and go back and forth being silly?  This teaches the child to explore their sounds and to imitate words.  But Jack is just now experiencing that.  So, he can say, "Ah gah!" and "mamamamamamama," and "Uh-oh!" and "Ow!"  That is his current favorite repertoire.

Will he ever learn to talk?

Absolutely.  We are starting off with an hour of speech therapy a week.  Melissa comes to our house and basically plays with Jack and me.  She points out positive things he is doing and models exercises for us to do.  For example, this week she wants us to repeat the random noises he makes and get really silly so he will be encouraged to repeat the sounds that we are making.  It's actually really fun, and Jack gets crazy giggly. 

We are also working on teaching him sign language so that he will be able to start communicating his needs with words instead of tears.  Last night in the grocery store he signed milk when we walked past the milk and pizza when we walked past the pizza.  And then we both got crazy giggly.

(Have I ever mentioned that a great place to have a conversation with an infant/toddler is in the grocery store?  You can get lots of eye and skin contact and teach them tons of new stuff, while entertaining the other shoppers at the same time.  Yes, they will stare at you if play peek a boo with your baby while you pick out tomato sauce, but it will also make them smile really big, which most tired shoppers need.  Consider it your contribution to making your town a happier place to live:)

So, to sum up, Jack is right where we expect him to be right now.  He is exploring sounds.  He is trying to imitate us some.  He is starting to use signs.  He's a smart kid.  And he is awesome like that. 

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons
• Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist  
• Appointments, Part 5: Early Intervention

Posts (yet to come) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• ENT (and probably more audiology)
• Plastic Surgeons...Again (maybe)
• Surgery

Appointments, Part 5: Early Intervention

A couple of weeks after we got home from China, I took Jack to see the pediatrician at the International Adoption Clinic at the nearby university hospital.  As part of the work-up, an OT came in and did an assessment of Jack. 

At the time, she and I talked about how Jack's walking had largely improved since I met him, but how he ran with his arms extended for balance.  And how he had recently learned to put rings on the yellow cone, and go up and down stairs holding an adult's hand, but he still lacked a pincer grasp, and he couldn't lean down and pick things up without falling over.  At the time, she indicated that if evaluated for Early Intervention that day, he would qualify for both physical and occupational therapy.  We discussed how I fully expected him to continue to improve quickly over the coming weeks, but if he didn't continue then I should push for OT services with someone who is also skilled in gross motor development.  She gave me some exercises to do, and off we went.

In the meantime, I had been trying to get Jack enrolled in Early Intervention.  At first, they qualified him based on his severe hearing loss.  Except, after we saw the audiologist we realized that he didn't actually have severe hearing loss, and therefore no longer qualified based on that.  And so we had to start over with a thorough evaluation of several different developmental areas.  When I filled out the questionnaire, he failed every single area. 

Two weeks ago, Ms. Teresa came out to do the evaluation.  This was 10 days after the questionnaire.  Two weeks after we saw the OT.  And he did totally awesome.  His walking - while still not developmentally at 21 months - had improved even further, and we have no reason to think it won't continue.  His grasp has gone from a full hand grasp to a fingertip grasp.  Still no two finger pincer, but it will come. 

He did things that I had tried to teach him only days before, but at the time he hadn't figured out.  He could put long pegs into the tiny holes on the first try.  He could put wooden shapes into the puzzle.  He could drive the Little People car.  He could sit on a riding toy and push with his legs. 

In other words, he is learning even faster than I thought. 

But of course, there is one area in which he did qualify for Early Intervention - speech.  But that is a post for another day:)

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons
• Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist 

Posts (yet to come) about Jack's cleft/developmental/IA issues:

• ENT (and probably more audiology)
• Speech (even though this is part of EI, it will get it's own post)

Appointments, Part 4: The Dentist

We went and saw Dr. Wendy on Monday.

(We saw the dentist at the Commission, but he is retiring at the age of 85, and - I kid you not - he miscounted Jack's teeth.  The sum total of his advice is always, "Brush your teeth!"  Then he hands me a Princess Tiana toothbrush and sends us on our way.)

My kids adore Dr. Wendy - and she is a Commission provider, even though she doesn't come to clinic.  She is competent, has excellent bedside manner, and Will always liked how pretty she was.  When Jack got into the chair, he wasn't particularly happy, but once I signed to him (have I mentioned we are signing again?  Yay!) that we were going to brush his teeth, he lay really still waiting. He let them clean his teeth and even take x-rays.  He did so well that the hygienist said she wanted him to teach the 10 year olds to be still in the chair.


We have been concerned with Jack's lack of teeth - he has four on the top (the middle two, and the first two molars) and six on the bottom (the middle four, and the first two molars).  Dr. T (the IA doc) was concerned that the top ones might be missing on both sides.  But we got good news at the dentist.

Dr. Wendy says that all of his baby teeth are present, but she isn't completely sure of the position of the baby tooth nearest to the cleft.  It was a frontal x-ray, and she said it is possible the tooth is far back in the palate, and the plastic surgeon may need to remove it during the palate repair.  Or maybe it is where is is supposed to be and will be nothing at all.  She could also see the permanent teeth buds growing, in all of their crooked glory.  The only one not visible was the one nearest the cleft, which probably isn't there at all.  Kate is completely missing this same tooth.

So, all in all, good news - no cavities, teeth that haven't erupted yet are coming soon, and a happy dental patient.  Go, Jack!

Posts (so far) about Jack's cleft issues:

• Let the Appointments Begin!
• Appointments, Part 2: Audiology
• Appointments, Part 3: Plastic Surgeons

Posts (yet to come) about Jack's cleft issues:

• ENT (and probably more audiology)
• Early Intervention (this one might be a doozy)
• Speech (even though this is part of EI, it might get it's own post)

The Honeymoon Period is Over

Sometimes when a child is adopted, everything goes really well.  Everyone puts their best foot forward in an effort to please.  The parents have an unlimited patience with the child, and the child is agreeable, loveable, and basically angelic.  Sometimes this is called the honeymoon period in adoption circles.  But as all parents know - whether your kids are adopted or not - this is an unnatural state.  At some point, the honeymoon will come to an end.

Reality has set in at our house in the last couple of days.

When we brought Jack home, he was super easy-going.  He rarely cried.  He freely gave out hugs and kisses to us.  He happily went to bed, smiling at us as he fell asleep.  He came to us when he needed something.  And because all of this was going so well (and because Tim and I have been flat-out exhausted) we got lazy with our attachment parenting.  We have let him wander off and grab other people's hands or ask to be picked up.  We have let various relatives and close friends give him food while we dealt with other children.  And while I cringed a little inside, I was too tired to be firm.  And I thought, He is doing so well!  Why should we worry when nothing is wrong?

And all the adoptive parents out there are shaking their heads at my naivete.  (I'm shaking my head too, for good measure.)

Sunday I decided to take Ben and Will to a movie.  Just the three of us. It turned out to be good, quality time, which we sorely needed.  But Jack noticed that I was gone.  For four hours. I had never done that before.

When I returned I offered to give Jack his bottle while Tim got the others ready for bed.  Now, Jack and I have always had a little control battle going on around food.  He wants to dictate when, where, what, and how much, but I know that this is a sign of distrust and of potential food issues.  And so I have danced around it, offering lots of healthy options whenever he is hungry, and sometimes when he is not hungry.  For example, when he sees anyone eating, he demands food right that moment, even if he ate five minutes ago.

So. Jack and his bottle.

I immediately noticed that not only would he not let me hold the bottle for him, he wouldn't even let me touch it. He cries when I do.  He refuses to look at me during this interaction and is constantly trying to turn his body so his back is to me.  In bed, he clutches the bottle like I am trying to steal it.  He hits, pushes, and turns his back on me.

And the whole time I am thinking that this is a full-blown Kate NaNa attachment fit.  Some of you haven't been around long enough to know this, but Kate NaNa used to despise me.  During the day she liked me fine, but at night she wanted me to leave her completely alone.  She oozed distrust and anger. And so I started crawling in bed with her every night.  When she hit me, I would kiss her hand.  When she screamed at me I would tell her I loved her and would never leave her.  When she would push me away I would pick her up and dance with her.

And now it is time to do this with Jack.  He, of course, doesn't know what to do with this.  He has never had a permanent caregiver.  He doesn't understand that no matter what, he is staying in this family.

He hits me, and I kiss his fist.  He screams at me, and I say, "I love you."  He pushes me, and I refuse to move.  Over and over I have to show him that I am not going anywhere.  No matter what he throws at me, I will always love him.  No matter how much he tries to push me away, I will always be his Mama.  I am not going anywhere.  I will not leave him.  I am here to stay. 

On a final note, please forgive me when I ask you not to feed my son, or pick him up, or take his hand.  I am teaching him that I am his Mama.  That he can trust me to feed him, to comfort him, to keep him safe.  And to never, ever leave him.  Because I am not going anywhere. 

(And a special thanks for some attachment posts I have read recently - RQ, Stephanie and Nancy at NHBO.  I just didn't know I would need them so soon!)

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, I know this is a day late.  I had a beautiful post in my head on Saturday night - a tribute to all of the mothers in my life and all that they have done for me.  I have especially been missing my Ma-Ma and my Bunk, and wanted to write about them. 

But that didn't happen.

(And you know that when I write a single sentence fragment as a whole paragraph, that I am getting ready to launch into a rant, right?)

Where did we get the idea that Mother's Day is this glorious time where everyone celebrates mom and caters to her every desire?  Because that has never happened at my house.  Not even a little bit.  Never.  At my house, my husband (whom I love, but for the purpose of this story is not the hero) gets up and leaves for work on Mother's Day before I have even considered getting out of bed.  Because it is Sunday and that is what pastors do on a Sunday.  Except, oh yeah, I did get out of bed several times in the wee hours of the morning to help one kid vomit into the toilet after eating too much junk food at a baseball game last night.  Oh yeah, and to get another crying child out of his bed and into mine before he woke up three other children.  (Although in the husband's defense, he did take the crying child from me so that I could go back to sleep for a little while before I had to get up.  Maybe he is the hero of the story.  Or at least one of them. Huh.)

Then Mom has to get the children who are neither crying nor vomiting ready for church and there on time (or at least within 30 minutes of said time for church).  When the children and husband arrive back home from church, the four smallest of the crew want to sit on Mom's lap at the same time.  Which is lovely in sentiment and theory, but is distressing to a mother who wants to avoid two of said children from cold cocking each other.

At which point Mom goes into the kitchen to get some water.  And realizes that no one has bothered to clean up one single dish from the lunch that she cooked.  On Mother's Day.  And so she clears the table, loads the dishwasher, washes the dishes that don't go into the dishwasher, wipes down counters and table, sweeps the floor, and at some point realizes that she needs an escape hatch.

At which point Mom grabs the Kindle, the car keys, and her wallet and leaves.

After cooling off for an hour or so, Mom decides she misses the little boogers and goes back to get the two bigs for a movie date.  Mom and her big boys really do enjoy themselves, and this is the one point in the story where true appreciation is shown to Mom.  Because she did something she never ever ever does.  She let them watch a PG-13 movie.  And so naturally the bigs are very appreciative and kind.  And Mom can't believe she stooped so low just to get a thank you out of her children.


Upon returning to the nest, the smallest bird has decided that he Does. Not. Like. It. when Mom thinks that she can just up and leave and then she returns and expects everything to be normal.  Oh, no.  No, he decides he is not happy with Mama for that one.  And he spends the next few hours refusing to let her give him a bottle, look her in the eye, or let her put him to bed. 


I wish I could say that Mother's Day is typically a really great day for us, but honestly, this story is typical of my Mother's Days.  Except we don't usually throw attachment issues in there.  That one was a new bonus for Mother's Day. 


And now you know why, when Tim asks me what I want for Mother's Day, I tell him I want to crawl in bed.