People have asked me periodically how I manage to stay excited about the adoption the whole time. The truth is, I don't. I am not a person who can maintain emotional highs or lows for a long period of time. I max out and get exhausted after a couple of days. So I have intentionally paced myself since I first saw Jack's face back in October. I have tried to just take things one step at a time.
Now that we are possibly weeks from travel, I am beginning to accept that this is actually going to happen, and I have to get me, my family, and my house ready for this trip.
Let's start with my house. This one will take the most time, but probably be the easiest. It drives me crazy to come home to a dirty house. I have found that I obsess about it the entire flight/drive home, and at that point in any trip I don't have the energy left to obsess over anything. Now never mind the fact that I live in a filthy house every single day. For some reason I can't stand for it to be dirty when I am not in it. So the first thing on the list (and the thing I can't actually finish until the last minute) is to clean the house.
There are other nesting type activities that need to be done, such as purchasing new mattresses for the two littles, rearranging Kate and Jack's room, and going through the massive amounts of clothes in both the kids' rooms. I also need to re-organize the toys (read, purge), or I am pretty sure they will continue to multiply like rabbits and take over my house while we are away.
Preparing my family is a little less time consuming, but involves more thinking. I have to strategically pack for five people (Tim is on his own) for spring weather, which I imagine is just as unpredictable in China as it is here. Layers will be key.
I also have to continue to emotionally prepare the kiddos for another brother. Naturally, I have been doing this for a very. long. time. But now these conversations seem to be kicking into high gear. Everything from, will Jack be scared of us when we meet him, to will we see familiar faces at the orphanage, and will he "love me the last?" That last one is Kate's question.
With all of the above preparations going on (ok, they are mostly just lists at this point, rather than actual preparations), I tend to push preparations for myself to the back burner. Not the packing, but the emotional stuff. Which goes back to my initial comments today. Adopting a kid is emotionally intensive. It just is. It is hard, and joyous, and amazing, and heart-breaking, and rips your heart out just before it makes you soar. And then it does it all over again. Having done this once, I know all this. So I how do I prepare myself for the way all of these emotions will wash over me in the coming weeks and months? Can I prepare myself?
Last time I did a lot of reading. I read every attachment book I could get my hands on. I read adoption blogs about cleft lip and palate and toddlers and first parents and whatever other topic I deemed relevant. And it taught me so much - more than I even realized I would need. But at the same time, how can you prepare yourself for this huge unknown?
This time I am trying to soak up the calm. I am taking time to read for fun, not just information. I am trying to sit and laugh with my children more. Tim and I are scheduling mini-dates while the kids are at school. I need to enjoy this time of peace and contentment before our world turns upside down.
I know that eventually, Jack will adjust to us, and us to him. But in the meantime it's going to get crazy. And 'fake it til you make it' will become my mantra.
Breathe in. Breathe out
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