Mawage

One of the unexpected blessings of living in this little town is the friendships I have made here. (Ever notice that when you move somewhere new, you are just sure that you will never find any more friends? No? Is it just me who does that?) And it's not just that I have friends, which is surely a blessing, but the interesting situation that four of my dearest friends here are all 10-15 years younger than me. Yes, they are all in their 20s. And for the first time, I am the old one in the group.

We get together a couple of times a month for our book club, but who are we kidding? We talk books for about 15 minutes, and the other hour and 15 minutes are spent talking about our lives. I get the wonderful privilege of walking with these ladies through joys and sorrows. Babies, jobs, engagements, marriages, school work, faith, family stuff... you name it, we talk about it.

One of them - Blair - just got married, and another one - Kandice - is engaged. Thankfully, they both have found wonderful men. But as I have pondered their (up-coming) nuptials, I have thought a lot about what makes a good marriage. Tim and I don't have a perfect marriage (who does?), but we are a lot stronger and more committed than we were thirteen years ago. How does that happen?

Kandice and Blair, I don't mean this to be a comprehensive guide for marriage. People way smarter than me have written books on that topic. But here are some things I have learned in the last 13 years.

Play Nice

Sometimes I want to be ugly. I want to say ugly things. And sometimes I say them. But if I talked to my friends the way I talk to my husband (ugly), then I wouldn't have friends very long. They would totally up and ditch my butt for better friends. So why should I expect to get away with talking to my spouse that way? I can't, obviously. I have to use kind words, and speak to him the way I want to be spoken to. Or else he will leave me physically and/or emotionally.

You are on the Same Team

Early on in our marriage, I saw every argument as an opportunity for me to win and Tim to lose. Eventually I figured out a secret. You are on the same team. Either you both win, or you both lose. If one of us "wins" the argument, then our relationship suffers, and the winner isn't a winner after all. Of course, this means we must both compromise and not use our words to "defeat" the other. See also lesson number one.

You Cannot Change Your Spouse.
You Can Only Change You.

This is a hard one, but a very smart woman told me this when I was a teenager. Don't ever marry someone and think you can change them once you are married. It is never going to happen. Marry the person as they are, and love them as they are. Instead of working on them, work on changing You. You aren't perfect, so make yourself into a better spouse. If you are easily angered, work on that. If you expect perfection, work on that. If you can't seem to put your socks in the hamper, you might write yourself a note or something. Look at yourself and see what you can do. Focusing on your spouse's flaws just gets you a heap of trouble. Now, that's not to say you shouldn't talk to them when something they are doing is bothering you, but see lessons number one and two for information about how to handle that.

Oh, and my friend Elise told me something valuable years ago - when you fight, touch each other a lot. It's harder to stay mad when you are touching.

That's all I can think of for now. I love you both (and your boys). I wish you every happiness and all of God's blessings. Amen.

(Happily married people, any other time-tested and God-honoring tips you want to share?)