Back to the Real World...

A few weeks ago I had a little breakdown. It was very little, but still. Basically I am a person who really needs my alone time. I like to have a minute (or more:) to catch my breath. I might use this for various purposes... maybe I will veg out reading blogs or watching TV, maybe I will get lost in a good book, maybe I will do my quiet time (after 6 years with children, I still have not figured out how to do that consistently without hearing "M o m !" in the middle of it, which totally breaks my concentration. And don't tell me to get up earlier. I have tried that and two things happen - Will gets up with me, and I fall asleep reading my Bible. But I digress... maybe this is fodder for another post.).

So I had spent over an hour putting my daughter, whom I adore, to bed. I came out of her room and basically begged my husband to put the kids in the car and take them to his parents' house. I was tired. I spend every waking hour with them or doing something for them, and I needed a break. Now, don't get me wrong. I am doing exactly what I want to do. I do not regret being a SAHM, even though I sometimes wish I had an office where I could lock the door and pretend I was out to lunch. But imagine for a moment that you had your dream job. And now imagine that said job required you to be there 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your co-workers are with you 14 of those hours, and they even go the bathroom with you. Sometimes they wake you up in the middle of the night for an emergency "meeting". Seriously. Who wouldn't need a vacation every now and then?

I know some of you will think I am exaggerating, and I am, but only a little. When Tim is home, I am still at work. When I leave them at home with him, I am usually doing something "work" related like grocery shopping. The point is, moms are always working. And moms who work outside the home have to do it all in less time, on top of their "regular" jobs. So forgive me when I get a little stressed out and need a break.

Anyway, Tim took the kids to his parents' on Friday night and they stayed until Saturday night. I was so excited about this alone time that when he got home from work I had the kids fed, dressed, diapered (or pottied), water poured for the trip, and bags in the car. I did my happy dance as they pulled out of the driveway.

You would think that I then did something fun, but alas, no, my floors were covered in food from the meal I just fed the kids, and the bathrooms were covered in... well, I have 2 boys, so you get the idea. So I grabbed my MP3 player and cleaned my heart out. Then I watched TV on the computer to catch up on my shows (which is often how I watch TV).

I slept all night without interruption - no 4 year olds telling me they have to potty - and got up really late on Saturday. I had planned on doing something relaxing with my day. A movie? Lunch with a friend? Apparently I have lost the ability to to do something for myself, because I ended up cleaning up the stacks of paperwork that have accumulated since Kate came home. Stacks of bills, adoption paperwork, tax related stuff... you get the idea. Then I tried to hang some pictures in my house, which I am terrible at (Shel, where are you?!). The good news is that my dresser is now completely cleaned off, but I feel like a failure at relaxation. On the one hand, I really didn't want to go anywhere, but still. I am trying to focus on the fact that I will now feel more relaxed here because that is one more job I can cross off my to-do list.

This morning I was awakened at 6:45 by a 4 year old who was crying because he wasn't wearing the pj's he wanted. Then, Ben started throwing up (a bug from Kate) and other fun stuff. I spent the morning running between Ben, who obviously needed me, and Kate and Will, who did not want to get dressed for church. I dropped them off for church, ran home to clean up Ben (who had thrown up in the van, thankfully in a bag), and set him up on the couch. I fixed lunch, and when Kate got home she helped by spreading the diced tomatoes all over the kitchen table for me. Will helped by having a temper tantrum because his potato head was missing a part (thankfully, Tim dealt with that one). I have already washed dishes twice today and done a load of really gross laundry. So, I guess my vacation is over. Oh well, back to reality.

My SIL Wendy took this picture of Kate over the weekend, and I thought it was really good. Hopefully she won't mind me sharing... For the record, I did miss my family, but do you think I could send them all away next weekend too?

New Mommy Help

I am so very blessed with good friends. Unfortunately, many of them live VERY far away, but thanks to the modern marvel known as the Internet, I am able to keep in touch with them and get a glimpse into their lives. These are some godly women who keep me grounded, and who keep me from losing my mind when I am mired in temper tantrums and sleepless nights.

One of these friends has a passion for new moms. She is one of those people who I can call when my kids are acting crazy, and I can say, "Is this normal?" and she will give me a truthful answer.

This past week, she unveiled her new blog, New Mommy Help. So if you are a new mommy (or maybe an old mommy in need of a bit of encouragement), head over to her site and wander around a bit. She has 4 kids who are just precious, and she really is a great mom. And a great friend. Now if I can just figure out how to see more of her in person...

A Ben Post

I was reminiscing with Ben the other day and told him the following story.

Ben has always been a pretty easy kid. When he was a baby, he only really cried if he was hungry or tired. Or if it was about 7pm. Like many babies, Ben would get very grumpy around 7, and could scream bloody murder for an hour and no one knew why. You could walk him, rock him, read to him, whatever. Nothing helped.

Except for Jeopardy. Tim and I looked forward to 7:30 because we knew that as soon as Ben heard the Jeopardy theme song, all would be well with the world again. He would stare at that blue screen and be so happy. It was really pretty funny.

Once, my mom was keeping Ben for a couple of nights while Tim and I were out of town. She called me during one of Ben crying sessions and asked me if this was normal. She couldn't figure out what to do. I looked at my watch and said, "Turn on Jeopardy." I think that she thought I had lost my mind. How many babies like Jeopardy? And Ben didn't really watch much TV, so why would he like a game show? I finally convinced her to give it a try, and he calmed down immediately.

Running to the TV when he heard the theme song...

Saying "hi" to Alex...

Don't want to miss a single question....

These were taken when he was about a year old. He was well past the screaming stage, but he still loved his Jeopardy. For the record, he now thinks it is boring, although his Mommy still likes it. (And aren't these the cutest PJs you've ever seen?)

Update #5 - Other Stuff

When we first got home, Kate was evaluated at the International Adoption Clinic. She was evaluated for gross and fine motor skills, speech delays, and general health, including extensive lab work. Speech was really the only issue that was identified as being problematic. When we entered the early intervention program, she was evaluated again. Speech was identified as an issue, which we expected, and she was borderline for something they called developmental intervention. This is kind of a general term for her social interaction with others. Specifically, there was concern over whether her play was age appropriate. At the time, she looked at toys as if she had never seen one before. (In fact, we know that her orphanage did not have toys except the play yard outside, but we have no information about her foster care.) She didn't push cars around, hold baby dolls, color, or any of the things that 2 year olds should be doing. We were concerned, but the person evaluating Kate told us that if she wasn't doing these things in 6 months, we would re-evaluate her and she could receive intervention.

Thankfully (Praise God), her play is right on target now. She plays cars. She rocks her babies and feeds them and puts them to bed. She has pretend conversations between her toys, which is way too cute. No one can understand them, but she has a blast. We owe much of this progress to the boys, specifically Will. She spends a lot of time with Will, and one day I mentioned to Will that Kate didn't know how to play. I went and got into the shower, and when I came back to check on them, they were sitting on her bed together. Will was showing her how to hold and feed the baby doll. Shortly after this, she got some kitchen toys for Christmas. She started fixing me food with her pots and pans and serving it up on plates. And she has grown by leaps and bounds since then. She even pretends that random household objects can talk to each other now. Her imagination is in full swing. Who knew I would be so thrilled with such everyday blessings?

She still loves to help me in the kitchen. I have always thought that she must have spent time helping her foster mom in the kitchen, because she has always loved to play in the dishwater, set the table, mix things in a bowl, etc. She loves to have a job.

Finally, a speech update... I mentioned that we were working on 2 word signing combinations, but she wasn't interested. Today she started speaking in 2 word combinations. She said things like, "Hello, Mama. Mama eye. Mame woe (nose). Mama mow (mouth)." She was pointing to my eyes, nose, and mouth. She is soooo much fun!

Update #4: Speech

Since we have been home, Kate has been receiving speech services through our state's early intervention program. We are doubly blessed because our SLP is my cousin, Jennifer. She services our county, so when we were applying I specifically requested her. Growing up I always followed around my big cousin, begging for attention. "Jennifer, do my hair, play Barbies with me, come swimming with me!" I would do anything! She even found an old picture of us where I am holding her by the face and she has an expression that says,"Make her leave me alone!!!" It is really amazing that she still speaks to me:)

Anyway, Kate thinks that she is the coolest thing since sliced bread. When she sees her coming up the driveway, Kate starts doing her happy dance. She thinks that Jennifer just comes to play with her, and loves to sit in her lap. And I am pretty sure that Jennifer was the first person that she said, "I love you" to. She was leaving one day and told Kate bye-bye. Kate replied, "Mye-mye. Wah woh wuh." Doesn't that sound like an I love you to you?* Jennifer can get her to do things that she won't do for me. For example, last week she got her to make a "K" sound and an "L" sound. Has she done that for me since then? Of course not.

Progress-wise, I have to admit I get frustrated sometimes. We are all working so hard! But Kate's lip and tongue muscles seem fairly underdeveloped. We now do exercises to strengthen them, and we are seeing some progress. I just have to accept that this is a process, and it may be years before she is able to discontinue the ST. I think that even though I knew this going into the surgery, I had this naive expectation that Kate would be the exception to the rule. I hoped that she would start making all kinds of new sounds immediately, but it has been much slower.

As far as new words, she learns them all the time, but I am pretty sure I am the only one who understands her. And sometimes she just chatters on and on to me and then will laugh like she just told a funny joke. So I laugh like I understood her. But, I can now tell the difference between "ABCs" and "Twinkle Twinkle", which I think is impressive.

We continue to teach her sign language. She can now use about 100 signs independently (of course, she made up about 5 of them). We are also trying to teach her to put the signs into multiple word phrases, which is an important part of language development.

Pray for us as we continue. She is worth every ounce of work we put into this. And she is dying to talk to us. I can't wait until she talks so much I want to tell her to hush!


*Just have to say that after she told Jennifer, she signed "I love you" to me a few weeks later, and then to Aunt Sally's cat, and now she is signing it to the rest of the family...sometimes.

Moo Moo

Sounds like a cow, right?

Well, in Kate's world, it's a movie. She went to her first real-in-the-theater movie yesterday with her brothers and daddy. He took them to see Madagascar 2. (Thanks, Tim, for the mini-vacation!) Before she left, I asked her if she was excited about the movie. She did the sign for TV, and I said that it was kind of like TV, but way bigger.

Anyway, I don't think she cared much for it. It was too long for a two year old, but her big brothers thought it was awesome. When they came home, I asked her if she liked the movie, and her response was the sign for TV and then she made all these funny faces and sounds. I think she was trying to imitate the animals or something.

Later, she and I got to Skype my brother and his wife. She really liked talking to them and kept signing their names afterward. While we talked, Tim was watching Cars in the background, and she kept pointing to it and signing car and saying, "moo moo". She wanted Jacob to know we were watching a movie.

As I put her to bed, she signed car. I said, "Yes, you watched Cars tonight." She said, "Moo moo." I said, "Who did you watch the movie with?", thinking she would say Daddy. Nope, she said she watched the movie with Uncle Jacob. She told me again today. I forget that two year olds have no concept that people on the computer can't see what's on the tv behind the computer. It made me laugh. She also likes to hold things up to the telephone so Mimi can see them. Funny girl. But I am glad that in her mind, she and Uncle Jacob had quality bonding time watching a movie together.

Very long answer about memories...

The other day my friend, Tooz, left me a comment asking if I thought that Kate remembered her life in China. (It was actually more detailed than that. Go back to my last post to read it for yourself.) I think Tooz is great - she has been a great source of encouragement to me, so I wanted to answer her question. And since I have been asked that question by lots of people, I thought I would address it here.

The short answer is, yes. Do I think she remembers every detail? No.

Now for the long answer. The furthest back I can go in my memory is age 2 1/2. It is a very clear memory of being VERY angry with my little brother. Ben (age 6) can remember things from when he is two. Not everything, mind you, but enough. Will (age 4) and Tim don't really remember back that far. We always joke about the fact that Tim doesn't remember hardly anything from childhood, while I remember strange details about conversations and vacations and classmates, etc. So, I think different people's memories go back different distances. Obviously Kate isn't 33 or 6 or even 4, but I just wanted to point out that it is possible that someday in the future she may remember parts of her life in China.

Since she has only been with us 5 months, I think that makes it even more realistic that she remembers parts of her life in China. When my boys were that age they could tell me in great detail about events that had happened 6 months before. And she has a great memory. About 3 weeks ago my friend Christa was over playing cards. We made up a sign for her name, not really expecting Kate to remember it. I didn't think about it again until yesterday. Tim and I were talking about Christa's husband Alex, and Kate immediately did the signs for both Alex and Christa. We hadn't even mentioned Christa. There is nothing that makes me think that she doesn't have just as good of a memory as the boys.

Generally speaking, I think that children's memories (including our own memories) go back further than we think. Obviously, most of us do not remember being babies, or even toddlers for the most part. But I think that we retain subconscious memories of our early lives. We might remember feelings of love, or of security, or of fear. Things that happen to us as babies might explain why people have irrational fears. (I am not an expert. Just thinking out loud.) In the case of an abandoned child, he might retain the feeling of being terrified, cold, and hungry. If the child develops PTSD (let's face it, abandonment would be traumatic), then fear, cold, and hunger might lead to manifestations that adults don't understand. The child might not say, hey, I remember what the person who found me looked like, but he might remember complete terror. I think that this kind of memory affecting a child long term is much more likely than a memory of a happy birthday party affecting someone in the same way. Those of us who have never experienced major trauma will have trouble relating.

Kate displays no signs of PTSD. She does, however, occasionally freak out about strange things. If you remember, Kate did not like me in China. She was a total daddy's girl. I tried to get her to ride in the baby sling with me so we could bond, but she would always scream and freak out on me. We used it a couple of times once we got home, and she did fine, but we put it away in November or so. Well, this weekend she was being extremely clingy, and I thought I would get out the carrier so that she could be touching me, but I could get some things done around the house. As soon as I tied it around my waist, she panicked. She cried and screamed and Tim had to pick her up to calm her down. I tried to take her to comfort her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I have no coherent explanation for it. But maybe the carrier reminded her of how scared she used to be of me. Maybe it reminded her of being taken from her foster family. I don't know. But I don't ever underestimate that girl.

I had posted a link to a story about someone who is taken from her "beloved". The story was an analogy about a child who learns not to trust adults because they don't stick around. A child may not remember the events that led to this little "lesson", but they would remember not to trust adults for years to come. I don't think that Kate is dealing with these exact same issues, but I know way too many adoptive families to totally discount the story.

So there is your very long answer. Much longer than I intended. But by now you all know how long-winded I am, so you have been warned before. Thanks for asking such a great question, Tooz!