November is National Adoption Month

OK. It's my turn to get on the soapbox.

I don't remember when I first wanted to adopt. It is something that I have wanted since I was a little girl. It has always been in the back of my mind. When I was in high school I saw one of those nighttime news expose' shows about orphanages in Romania (Primetime or 20/20 or one of those). That was when I started thinking about international adoption. I don't remember if Tim and I talked about it before or after we married, but we both had a heart for orphan care, and after his trip to China in 97, he was in love with China.

Fast forward to November 2005. Will was 3 months old. I had just turned 29, and Tim was quickly approaching the same age. We knew we were going to be eligible for Chinese adoption soon, so we started praying about whether or not God wanted us to go down that road. Immediately God answered that prayer. Adoption was everywhere I turned - Newspaper ads, magazine stories, a TV episode that had an adoption plot line, and a billboard. My favorite "sign" from God was when we were getting off the interstate, and there was a handwritten, cardboard sign that said "Adoption" with an arrow below it. It was pointing in the direction that we were turning. Leave it God to literally give me a sign when I needed him to be clear.

Anyway, I know people adopt for many reasons, and I don't want to hash those out. What I want to say is that if you are a Christian, you are called to care for orphans (James 1:27). Psalm 68 says that God is the father to the fatherless, and that He sets the lonely in families. God cares about these children.

Now, this doesn't mean everyone is called to adopt. Some of you are called to sponsor orphans financially. Some of you might be called to go on a mission trip to an orphanage. Maybe you are called to be a Big Brother or a Big Sister to a child right here at home. Maybe you are called to start an adoption ministry in your church to encourage and financially support others who want to adopt.

But some of us are called to adopt and to foster. According to Steven Curtis Chapman, "If only 7% of the world's 2 billion Christians would care for a single orphan, we could end the orphan crisis." That statistic floors me. There are so many beautiful children out there in need of parents, and you might be the parents who need them right back. Just today, I have heard about 2 different lists of waiting children. A Helping Hand Adoption Agency has four beautiful Chinese boys on their waiting child list. And here is a link to information from another agency about four healthy teens who long for homes. If they are not adopted in the next few months they will be too old for adoption. I am more familiar with China's special needs program, but I encourage you to look into your state's foster program and/or other international adoption programs too. There are so many options.

If you are interested in orphan care, I encourage you to pray about what you should do. Check out http://www.shoahannahshope.org/ for more information about financially supporting orphans and families, adoption ministries, financial assistance, and just getting started with adoption. They blessed our family with an adoption grant, and we are so thankful for the work that they are doing around the world. Think about it. More importantly, if you are a Christian, pray about what you are supposed to be doing to care for orphans.

Ok, now I'm tired.

I had lunch with my cousin, Nan, yesterday. She told me that reading my blog made her tired. She cracks me up. I am usually tired, but not exhausted. And then today I had about 20 minutes which will wear you out.

First off, I was filling the dryer when Will hollered that there was a hole in his sock. I look in the play room and see Ben sitting next to him with scissors in hand. Guess who made the hole? Ben denies that he had anything to do with it. After further investigation I discover that in his mind "I didn't do it" means "I didn't mean to do it." He goes to time out, still saying, "I didn't do it."

I turn my back to go back to the dryer, and I hear Ben say, "Kate has your markers again." Oh, no. The Sharpies. I find her writing in bright green Sharpie all over my dark green couch. Yes, it shows up. I get a wash cloth and start to scrub. I scrubbed for a long time, making moderate progress. Meanwhile, I can smell Kate from a mile away. Big time stinky diaper. After lots of scrubbing, I decide that it is as good as it's going to get (Ben says he can't even see it...not sure if that makes me feel better or not. I can still see it. Either way, I am thankful for stain guard protection. Best $100 I ever spent.), and I need to change the diaper.

I take Kate upstairs and work on the diaper, which she hates. I hear Will holler again. This time he needs to go to the bathroom. I holler back that he should go. I get her cleaned up, go to check on him, and he has peed all over my newly mopped floor. So I clean that up, griping the whole time.

Now, here I sit playing on the computer, and the dryer still isn't loaded.

Oh, and just for you, Nan. Guess what? Kate spilled her milk all over the floor last night at dinner. So evidently it only took one month for my gracefulness to rub off on her. Now you have the answer to your question.

Praise Him

For the past month, I have been taking Kate to Sunday school. Mrs. Sandra is a wonderful teacher who incorporates sign into her songs and memory verses. I can't believe how well she fits right in with everything we are doing at home (Isn't God good?). For the music, she teaches the kids motions that are a combination of mostly sign language with some fun motions, and she has been teaching me some extra signs too.

One of the songs they have been singing each week is Praise Him, Praise Him. After a couple of weeks, I started doing it at bedtime, and Kate loves it! She does the motion for "all ye little children" whenever she wants to sing it. Tim caught her "singing" along with me on video today. (Please bear with my singing... my children are the only people who think I sing well.)

After Sunday School, I take her to the worship service with me. She usually dances around and tries to climb onto stage. Today Tim led us all as we sang I Am a Friend of God. As I was singing I realized that I knew the signs for I, friend, and God, so I started doing them as I sang. I am trying to get more in the habit of using sign in my daily life, so I thought this was good practice. I really didn't think Kate was watching me. Every time I looked at her she had her eye on a hymnal or the stage. But then she wanted to be picked up, and as I held her I noticed that she was signing "I" and "God" along with me (she really hasn't figured out "friend" yet).

I can't even begin to explain how overcome I was. I almost cried as I realized my little girl was learning to praise God. (Ok, I cried a little. Ok, I got really choked up.) And what a huge responsibility I have to teach that! I pray all of the time that she will know how much God loves her and that she will love Him too, just like I always do with the boys. But anytime I see that knowledge growing in them, I am so thankful to Him. Praise Him, Praise Him!

Sticking with you...& Attachment issues

(Disclaimer: I am an advocate of adoption, but I am also a realist. There are wonderful parts of adoption, and there are hard parts. Although I love and adore my daughter, there is no "and they live happily ever after". This is real life, people. And real life means that you have to work at the relationships that are important to you. That's just how it is. So the following is not a happily ever after part of adoption. It is a hard part of adoption. Read at your own risk.)

Ok, this little slide show is obviously someone's homemade job, but I liked that it had the lyrics to this song, "Sticking with You" by Addison Road. A couple of weeks ago I was driving with Kate in the car, and this song came on. I had heard it before on Air1, but suddenly the lyrics took on a whole new meaning for me and my relationship with my daughter.


Let me see if I can back up and explain the significance of all of this. I have to back WAY up. (This is where those of you who don't like my tangents should move on to your next blog.) I have always taught my kids to go to sleep by themselves when they were very young. Weeks old. For years I have preached to my friends about the importance of this, and how knowing how to put yourself to sleep is a life skill. So before you (my friends whom I have tortured) read this, let me just say that I still believe this. I am so glad that I taught both of my boys to go to sleep on their own. My life is so much easier because of it. BUT....

Adopting a two year old is a whole 'nother story. She had months in an orphanage where she put herself to sleep. And as for her time in foster care, I'm not sure of her exact sleeping situation, but I am pretty sure she didn't sleep in a bedroom by herself. She learned the whole sleep thing, but she hasn't learned that she can trust me and Tim. Right now, that is a top priority. So if I have to stay with her while she goes to sleep, then I will do it because she has to learn I will always be around.

Now, this sounds really pretty, but it's easier said than done. Some nights she wants her crib, some nights she wants the twin bed. Some nights she wants to be rocked and cuddled, some nights she doesn't want me to touch her.

In the adoption world, there is this big issue out there that most of you have probably never heard about. It's called attachment. Basically, adopted kids need to attach to their parents, and vice versa. This means trust, safety, continuity, affection, and a belief that this person isn't going anywhere. Sounds simple right? Umm, no. This is hard work, and the list of red flags we are told to look for is a mile long. Sleep can be a huge obstacle in all of this because sleep is one of the places where we are most vulnerable. So it is bound to be scary for a small child in the midst of strangers.

Anyway, on the hardest nights, she wants to lie alone and whimper. So I pick her up. She screams and fights and kicks. She cries, mourns. I could put her down and let her fight her demons by herself. That is what she wants after all, but I am her mommy. And it is the mommy's job to comfort the baby. Sometimes I even say that over and over as she fights me. I pull her close and tell her I love her. Sometimes I cry with her. I cry out to God to help her to understand, to bring her peace. I remind myself (and God) over and over that He is trustworthy and He loves her even more than I do.

Now, this scene doesn't happen often. And as we spend more time together, it happens less and less. She is learning to trust me to comfort her. She has been sleeping on the twin mattress, and I have been lying next to her until she sleeps. When she tries to push me away, she can't because I am too big. Then I kiss the hand that pushed me, and I tell her I love her. After several attempts, she gives it up and snuggles in. The other night she woke up crying in the middle of the night. When I reached out to her, she reached back. She wanted me to comfort her. She is learning to trust.

I have debated on whether to mention any of this at all, because it is personal. And it's really none of your business. But at the same time, I know there are other adoptive parents out there dealing with the same thing. Only, no one is talking about it. (Ok, almost no one. Thank you to those who are.) So, let me just say that you are not alone. This is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with, but I know that there are parents out there dealing with attachment issues much more serious than ours. Know that you are not alone either. Attachment can be really hard, and it takes a lot of work. It's not something that happens over night.

As I have shared all of this with some of my dear friends, they have reminded me that all of this is so similar to our relationship with God. Don't we want to handle our problems alone? Don't we repeatedly push God away because it's scary to need Him? To need anybody? We want to be independent and do it ourselves, but the truth is, we need the comfort of our Father. We need to trust Him to provide for us and keep us safe. We need to trust that He is always going to be around and He will not leave us. But that is a hard lesson.

So back to the song... Kate, you can fight me, scream at me, whatever. I'm gonna be around. I'm sticking with you.

One month and counting (part 2)

Ben & Will - Holding the Letter of Acceptance from China (Aug 1)

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of meeting my daughter, but today is the one month anniversary of her adoption into our family. Like I said yesterday, it has been a complete roller coaster.

One question that I get frequently is this: How do the boys like having a sister? The answer is: They adore her. They really do. Now, we have our moments of "Oh no! She is drawing on my paper!" or "Hey, give that back, Kate!" or "She hit me again!" We also have moments of jealousy where one or both of the boys want to be babies again so they can be rocked and cuddled. I am a very cuddly mommy, so I am happy to comply on that one:)

But for the most part, they think she is awesome. To give you a little background on our story, we made the decision to adopt in November of 2004. That is 4 years ago. In other words, there has never been a time in Will's memory that we weren't talking about Baby Sister. She has always been there. And Ben has been a constant source of encouragement over the past four years. When I was sick and tired of waiting and didn't want to think about adoption anymore, Ben would crawl in bed and pray for his Baby Sister every night, like clockwork.

When we first met Xu Na (does is bug you that I like to use all of her names and switch them out a lot?), she did not want me around at all. This really worried Ben and Will. I can remember Ben giving me extra hugs because she would hug him and not me. And I can remember Will saying, "Mommy, doesn't she know that you are a good mommy?" Neither of them really understood why Kate initially didn't want me around, but they both instinctively knew what their roles as Big Brothers were. They would purposefully give me hugs and kisses when she was watching to teach her that I was safe. They would laugh at my silliness to teach her that I was fun. I dressed them and fed them so that she would know that I would provide for her. Of course, we do all of these things on a daily basis anyway. But the boys knew that she needed to see it. They knew that they were her teachers. When she finally came around, they told me that they were really happy that she finally liked me. And because they had been waiting for her to allow me to hug and dress and feed her, they were relieved. They didn't have the huge jealousy that I thought they would.

Now that we are home, they are teaching her how to play with toys and to color and to sign. They continue to be an example of love and kindness (well, most of the time).

I am sure that there is some big theological lesson or sermon illustration hidden in there somewhere, but my exhausted brain won't allow me to think about it too much. Plus, I don't need huge life lessons right now. I just need to remember how thankful I am for my beautiful boys, who are a blessing to me daily. God is good. All the time.

One month and counting...

The first time we met her - I gave her the cookie!

"Dude, make this woman stop touching me."

I met my daughter one month ago today. I thought that waiting for Kate was a roller coaster ride, but it's got nothing on actually being with her. In the last month she has hated my guts, tolerated me, ignored me, laughed at me, sought out my attention, pushed me away, loved me, taken my hand, taken my heart, kissed me, screamed at me, cried on my shoulder, asked me for comfort, asked me to go away when she needed comfort, and the list could go on and on. And through everything, I am constantly amazed at God's hand in all of this. He is the creator of families, and he is teaching me about what that means.

More on that another day. Right now I want to give an update on the past few days. We saw an International Adoption doctor on Wednesday where they drew a lot of blood, asked me to collect stool samples, and other fun and exciting things. We also saw an OT. Basically, everything looks good so far, with the exception of her speech and her ongoing ear infection. She is on her third round of antibiotics, and she has had it with the meds. Tomorrow she will be assessed by a early intervention specialist, who will help us to determine what types of therapies she is a candidate for.

I have had a lot of interesting questions and comments lately about Kate NaNa's cleft and speech (ok, some of them were interesting & some of them were just silly), so I thought I might fill in some blanks for those who are curious. A month ago, all we knew was that she had a repaired cleft lip and an unrepaired cleft palate. That is still true, but we do know a bit more now. For example, her cleft is complete, meaning that it goes from her gum line all the way back to the back of the soft palate. Food sometimes comes out of her nose, but she is pretty good at controlling that sort of thing. It seems to be a wide cleft, although I really have nothing to compare it to. As for her lip, I am not convinced that the muscles were connected when they did the repair, but it is possible that she has just never learned to use those muscles. I don't see any movement where that scar is. We will see the cleft team next month, and after that we will have a better picture of when the surgery will take place, and how many there will be (I am guessing multiple).

Because of all of this, she cannot suck out of a straw, bottle, or sippy cup. (She has no interest in the bottle or sippy, but she is dying to use a straw.) She cannot make most consonant sounds. She cannot speak in English (except for a few things) or in Chinese (except for a few things). However, she is extremely smart, and understands most of what I say. Around the house, we have developed this weird language that is a combination of English, Chinese, ASL, made-up signs, and pointing. She speaks to me through a combination of sounds and signs.

The ASL is saving my sanity. Literally. She can now sign bath, cold, cookie, hot, sleepy, milk, cracker, ice cream, apple, more, and candy. And she knows when I sign clean, dirty, drink, and play. And I am sure there are some I am forgetting. We are trying to get her to say our names with sign. We have even made up signs to represent Ben and Will. The only problem I have had is that all of the Signing Time videos are checked out or lost from the library, so I went last night and put in a request that they buy more. Libraries rock.

I would love to write more - about the boys and how amazing they are, about attachment issues and adoption, and about what she likes and dislikes. Not to mention just ranting about things I think are annoying about life. But I find that I stay exhausted. I come here for a creative outlet, but I don't have the energy for much. Two year olds are busy little people. Continue to pray for us. We are having a fantastic week, and I am so thankful for my family. I tear up just typing the word family. Ben told me today that he is so glad that we are finally all together. Man, he kills me. Have I mentioned that I love my kids???Staying up late with Daddy

Do you know sign language?

One of the most frustrating parts of my life right now is that I know that Kate NaNa has a million things to say, and no way to say them. She is so smart, and she is understanding more and more of what we say in English. She usually has to grab my hand and take me to whatever it is she wants. But let's face it, in a house with three kids, and housework out the whazoo, I can't always drop everything to try to figure out what it is that she wants. I feel like it turns into a guessing game where she eventually just picks one of the choices I give her, simply out frustration with me. I know it won't be like this forever, but until we can get her the surgery that she needs and speech therapy, communication is a huge issue.

So, this past week, we have introduced sign language into our home. It's something that I always thought was a great idea to use with kids, but I just never got around to doing it with the boys. According to the sales pitch, signing with young children can reduce temper tantrums, increase IQ, and increase vocabulary. And for our family, it is a necessary form of communication. Kate's cleft palate simply won't allow her to say many words. So now, I have a great motivation!

We are learning ASL from a series of videos called Signing Time. It is a PBS show geared towards kids, so it is simple enough for old people like me to learn. There is lots of music to hold the kids' attention, and the boys are picking it up like crazy! I can't believe how quickly they are learning simple signs. Kate is also learning how to communicate with us. So far, she has learned the signs for banana, milk, more, cookie, and hungry (do you notice a trend here?). We are so pleased that she can ask for what she wants (when she wants one of the above things:). The library has 5 episodes, and we have only watched 2. I think it won't be long before we have to ask them to purchase some more! For those of you interested in learning more, click on the link above or ask your local library if they have/will purchase the Signing Time videos.