61 Days and Counting...

That's how long we have been waiting for our Letter of Approval (LOA) from China.

Technically, we spent the first nine days waiting for Pre-Approval (PA), which means we have really only been waiting for 52 days.

For that matter, we didn't know we had PA until October 19, which was 14 days into our wait. So that means we have been waiting for 47 days.

But no matter how I try to slice it up, we are still 61 days into our wait since we officially decided to adopt Yintao. Two entire months.

The average wait times right now are somewhere in the neighborhood of 75 days from LOI to LOA, so we are still two weeks under average, but that doesn't change my strong desire to get on a plane tomorrow.

I know I said I wouldn't worry until after Christmas, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it off.

Mawage

One of the unexpected blessings of living in this little town is the friendships I have made here. (Ever notice that when you move somewhere new, you are just sure that you will never find any more friends? No? Is it just me who does that?) And it's not just that I have friends, which is surely a blessing, but the interesting situation that four of my dearest friends here are all 10-15 years younger than me. Yes, they are all in their 20s. And for the first time, I am the old one in the group.

We get together a couple of times a month for our book club, but who are we kidding? We talk books for about 15 minutes, and the other hour and 15 minutes are spent talking about our lives. I get the wonderful privilege of walking with these ladies through joys and sorrows. Babies, jobs, engagements, marriages, school work, faith, family stuff... you name it, we talk about it.

One of them - Blair - just got married, and another one - Kandice - is engaged. Thankfully, they both have found wonderful men. But as I have pondered their (up-coming) nuptials, I have thought a lot about what makes a good marriage. Tim and I don't have a perfect marriage (who does?), but we are a lot stronger and more committed than we were thirteen years ago. How does that happen?

Kandice and Blair, I don't mean this to be a comprehensive guide for marriage. People way smarter than me have written books on that topic. But here are some things I have learned in the last 13 years.

Play Nice

Sometimes I want to be ugly. I want to say ugly things. And sometimes I say them. But if I talked to my friends the way I talk to my husband (ugly), then I wouldn't have friends very long. They would totally up and ditch my butt for better friends. So why should I expect to get away with talking to my spouse that way? I can't, obviously. I have to use kind words, and speak to him the way I want to be spoken to. Or else he will leave me physically and/or emotionally.

You are on the Same Team

Early on in our marriage, I saw every argument as an opportunity for me to win and Tim to lose. Eventually I figured out a secret. You are on the same team. Either you both win, or you both lose. If one of us "wins" the argument, then our relationship suffers, and the winner isn't a winner after all. Of course, this means we must both compromise and not use our words to "defeat" the other. See also lesson number one.

You Cannot Change Your Spouse.
You Can Only Change You.

This is a hard one, but a very smart woman told me this when I was a teenager. Don't ever marry someone and think you can change them once you are married. It is never going to happen. Marry the person as they are, and love them as they are. Instead of working on them, work on changing You. You aren't perfect, so make yourself into a better spouse. If you are easily angered, work on that. If you expect perfection, work on that. If you can't seem to put your socks in the hamper, you might write yourself a note or something. Look at yourself and see what you can do. Focusing on your spouse's flaws just gets you a heap of trouble. Now, that's not to say you shouldn't talk to them when something they are doing is bothering you, but see lessons number one and two for information about how to handle that.

Oh, and my friend Elise told me something valuable years ago - when you fight, touch each other a lot. It's harder to stay mad when you are touching.

That's all I can think of for now. I love you both (and your boys). I wish you every happiness and all of God's blessings. Amen.

(Happily married people, any other time-tested and God-honoring tips you want to share?)

Ugh. I'm Stuffed.

As usual, our family took three whole days to celebrate Thanksgiving - one with each set of grandparents and their part of the extended fam. Which means that over the course of the last 72 hours I have eaten enough to last me until... probably tomorrow afternoon.

But also, as usual, I realize that I have much to be thankful for. My children have more grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins to love than most people ever will. We all love each other and get along (for the most part ;-), and we actually enjoy being together. We have a warm house to sleep in, food in our bellies, and good friends. We have a Savior who loves us.

We are blessed.
For some reason I never remember to get my camera out, but we did manage to snap the annual cousins-on-the-stairs shot, and then we got one of Tim's family.
Happy Thanksgiving:)

The Name Game, Part 2

Before I get started, I just have to point out that I have posted Every Day for the past eight days. I don't think that has happened in a couple of years. Lately I am doing well to write one post every two weeks. Eight in a row is unheard of! Don't get spoiled. I am sure it will not last.

Now then, back to my post. Y'all are cracking me up with the name suggestions! Not because they are bad names - they are actually really good suggestions. I can't think of one that you all have put forward I don't like (except maybe on fb, where one friend's ideas were...ummm, interesting. Ahem, John W.) I told my husband he needed to look seriously at both lists and we could discuss later.

No, what is cracking me up is that I had no idea how crazy it would make me trying to figure out who you all are! Of course, it is all my fault because I told the lurkers to come forward and set it to allow anonymous comments. And several of you have signed your comments, which I appreciate (even if it is with aloha, that helps;), but some of your signatures are still ambiguous enough that I have no clue. OK, some clue. But still, what if I end up using your name suggestion, huh?

So let's make a deal. You all keep making me nuts with anonymous suggestions. It's a great distraction for me when I should be doing homework. Lurkers and unknowns, keep leaving me comments. (Comments are like crack for a blogger, even when you don't know who is leaving them.) And then, on the off chance that we use your name suggestion, then you can come forward and reveal yourself. Deal?

If you haven't left your suggestion yet, go ahead. And no, you all still haven't guessed two of my favorite names (although you have guessed many great ones).

And just cause I love looking at his big ole head, let's see it one more time. What does this face says to you?

A Boy?

The next question I tend to get regarding our adoption is this: You can adopt a boy from China? I thought they only had girls for adoption!

What was (sort of) true ten years ago, is simply a myth today. China's traditional adoption program, which is where potential adoptive parents used to request healthy, female infants, is pretty much a thing of the past. Some of the people who are currently waiting in that line have been there for more than five years. I'm not going to get into the "why's" with that - I have shifting opinions on that topic, and it isn't relevant to this post.

Anyway, a few months before we found out about Kate, we switched to their Waiting Child program, also known as their Special Needs or Special Focus program. For a long time before that we feared what we didn't know, but after listening to lots of stories (and reading lots of adoption blogs like NHBO), Tim and I realized that the SN program was definitely for us.

Now, don't assume we are some sort of heroes or saints. It was just one day I was reading blogs, and I saw one where the kid's special need was a birthmark on his forehead, exactly like the one Ben has. And I had this huge aha moment where I understood that special needs kids are really just kids. Yes, some of them go to the doctor more often than others, and some of them will need special help in other ways, but if you looked at the members of our family, all of us had some sort of "special need".

Aaaannnndddd, I'm off topic again. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Boys.

So, the kids in the special needs program have a wide variety of needs, but many of them are available for adoption largely because of their special need. And special needs don't discriminate based on gender. A parent who can't afford heart surgery for their daughter probably can't afford it for their son either.**

But about 75% of waiting parents only want to adopt a girl. And let's face it, most people don't even know you can adopt a boy from China because of above-discussed myth. But out of the over 1500 children on the Waiting Child list, about 75% are boys - infants to teens, minor needs to major needs. Lots and lots and lots of boys.

So, this time around when Tim and I decided to mark "either" under gender request, we realized that meant we would probably be bringing a boy home. And frankly, being the mama of two boys, I have to say that they are pretty stinking amazing little creatures. So the thought of one more boy in this house just makes me smile.

And that is how we are adopting a boy from China.

**If you are interested in learning more about how you can help parents in China not have to make the heart-breaking decision to abandon a child, check out LWB's Unity Fund. It funds surgeries for kids so that they can stay with their families. A beautiful thing!

The Name Game

The next question I keep hearing is: What is his name?

My answer? Good question.

We will keep Yin Tao (or Yintao) as his middle name (just like we did with Kate's Chinese name - Xuna). And for now, we call him Yin Tao or TaoTao (you know, like NaNa). But as for his first name, we just haven't decided yet. Tim has names that he really likes, that I don't care for. And I have names I like, but he really does not like. And we have about two names that we would both be ok with, but we aren't excited about. That could change with time, but we want to cover all our bases.

Part of the problem is our stringent criteria. Every name has to hold up to pretty rigorous tests.

Test #1: We like strong, traditional names. Ben, Will, Kate... Names that you could imagine being your teacher or doctor or senator. (Lord, help us if that last one happens...) It can be unusual, but not weird or made up.

Test #2: It needs to be a family name. All 5 of us have family names, either for first or middle names. Since we are using his Chinese name as his middle name, it needs to be his first name.

Test #3: This one is weird, and if it came down to it, I would probably ditch it if I found something I loved, but here it is - It needs to NOT begin with an A, B, K, T, or W. I initial water bottles, lunchboxes, jackets, toothbrushes, and all sorts of other things when they are semi-identical. So, to keep my life easy, I would prefer if it did not start with one of the above letters.

Test#4 & #5: I am putting these two together because these are Tim's requirements. And this is my blog, not his. He wants it to be one syllable (or able to be shortened to one syllable, a la Benjamin, William, Kathryn, & Timothy), and he wants it to start with a consonant.

Since my name is not one syllable and does not start with a consonant, I am not sure how I feel about those two tests. A little insulted maybe? Right now, my favorite name for Yin Tao does not pass test #4 or #5, but I am still trying to convince Tim it is perfect.

So, we are looking for suggestions that pass our tests, especially numbers 1 and 2. I know I have many extended relatives and hometown friends who read here (and are maybe familiar with either side of our family tree?), but never leave a comment. This is your chance to come out of the shadows! I even have comments set to allow anonymous! Heck, even if you are a complete lurker, feel free to jump right in:)

And the winner will forever go down in family tales as the-person-who-thought-of-your-name, just like Shawn K. came up with Ben, and Jason W. suggested Will. (I get credit for Kate, since I decided on it when I was about 14.)

Come on! Let's play the Name Game!

Waiting

And now for the hard part... the waiting.

When I talk to people, they seem to have the same basic question that I have: When?

Well, I don't know. Sometime between March and July 2012. Helpful, yes?

Let me see if I can break it down a little better. Right now we have our pre-approval (PA), but what we need is our official approval from China, called LOA. Our PA came on October 14, so we have been waiting 31 days. Our agency checked today, and we are not yet "in-process." Which means absolutely nothing has been done yet. But that is normal for this time around. (Those of you who remember how we got our LOA for Kate in 10 days? You just throw that right out the window - that has never been normal. We were extremely blessed for that to happen.) Right now "normal" can run anywhere between 45-80 days, with outliers running 35-160 days. We sincerely hope to be on the low end of that spectrum.

I have promised myself to not even consider the possibility of getting it before Thanksgiving, and not to worry about it before Christmas. If we don't have it by New Year's? I will be in full out worry mode because it seems either people get it within those 80 days, or they end up waiting about 130-150 days. I do not want to be those people, bless their hearts.

After that? We then send our Chinese approval to the US government, who then do stuff I do not even begin to understand, send their approval to the consulate in China, which is then sent to Chinese government. At that point we wait for travel approval (TA). Right now, the time between LOA and TA is about 2-3 months, with travel usually being within a month after that.

So, to sum up, we hope to travel in the spring. You can cry with me if it ends up being July.

And dear online friends, feel free to ask me questions here, since we can't gush together in person:)