My Hometown

Yesterday I attended the funeral of one of the most godly women I have ever known. I have very few memories of my hometown church that do not involve Ann. She was in the nursery and taught Sunday school, she drove children to events, she went on mission trips with us. And all of the while, she was being a servant. Always very much in the background. Never drawing attention to herself. Always making everything about Jesus, rather than herself. She will be so, so missed in our church and community.

She was a part of my raising. Somehow I think it was fitting that I spent the rest of the day thinking about all the people I ran into down there that were also a part of my raising. School teachers, cousins, friends... people who God intentionally put into my path to make me into the person I am. 

The thing is, after I left for college, I still loved the people, but I thought that somehow I had "risen above" that town. I thought that I needed to find friends and influences who were perhaps "better Christians." As I write that now, I see how ridiculous I was at 19. Because at age 46, I see them so differently than I did at 12, or 16, or 19, or even 25. Of course they weren't perfect. They were just people. They made mistakes, their kids were crazy, they cooked food for each other, and they walked life's journey together.

I remember when we moved to our current town, and the boys were 2 and 4. My biggest worry was that we wouldn't be able to build a community to do life with. By that point, I had begun to see the way that my hometown had shaped me, how important it was that my children have a whole passel of adults giving them advice and loving them. Because honestly, I was so, so loved. Neighbors, church members, teachers, friends' parents, and extended family were always looking out for me. Everyone in town knew me, even if I didn't know them. I know not every child that grew up there had that experience, but I did. 

(Note - that doesn't always mean that I liked it. I didn't. I didn't like it when adults gave me advice at age 18. Or corrected my behavior in public. I already knew everything thankyouverymuch.)

And so I was so blessed to find people here that would love my children. They do, in fact, have a whole passel of adults looking out for them. A few months ago a friend told me she saw Will driving, and I mentioned it to him. He responded, "People really are always watching me in this town, aren't they." Yes, sweet baby. That's why we live in a small town. 

Anyway, my perception of my hometown has continued to evolve. Because while I came to appreciate all that love fairly early on, it took me much longer to appreciate all of their mistakes. Because (shockingly) they weren't perfect. And I think I thought I needed a community who was. Boy was I wrong. What I needed was a community to show me that it was ok to be REAL. That people make a ton of mistakes. That when your kids screw up, you pray for them and discipline them, but you don't wallow in it or hide it. That when you get in a disagreement with the deacon's wife, you act like a grown up and don't be ugly to her kids. And if you do act like an idiot, there is forgiveness. You can also fix your behavior.

I am also increasingly thankful for the friendships I had there. For friends who weren't afraid to correct me when I was being a jerk. Because sometimes I was a jerk.  For friends who weren't afraid to talk to me about their experiences with racism as black kids growing up in the South. Because yes, folks, it is alive and well unfortunately. For friends who I know that when I run into them, 25 years is just a blink, and we realize that we are still the same people who care about each other, even though life has gotten in the way. 

And so now, my continuing prayer for my children is that they will experience adults and friends who know how to say they are sorry, who know how to forgive each other, who know how to love each other even when everyone involved is acting a fool. I know that they will see their classmates make mistakes. May they also see the adults act with grace and love when that happens. I know that they will make their own mistakes. May they have friends and adults who lovingly call them out. I know Tim and I will make mistakes (Lord, forgive me for saying that as if I haven't already made 482 mistakes just today). May they see us admit when we are wrong, forgive ourselves and each other, and grow in our love. 

Because what I have learned in the last 20 years of raising children and living is that it isn't about being perfect or a better Christian, whatever that is. It's about forgiving ourselves and others and trying again tomorrow. It's about being so confident in God's love for us, that we know that his grace is bigger than our screw-ups. It's about being patient with each other until everyone figures that out. 

So may I never try to pretend I am perfect for anyone. May I never forget to say I am sorry when I yell at my children out of impatience. May I lovingly call out brothers and sisters when they act like an idiot. May I always have plenty of grace for myself and for others. 

Thank you to all the people who had a hand in my raising, no matter what your role. You were placed there by God, and I hope you are maybe a little thankful I was placed in your path too. 

New Normal, Part 2

Except for brief excursions to get food, the kids and I have been home for 10 days now. The first two were a weekend, and we all layed about, glad to relax and have nowhere to go. My father-in-law, Tim, and Will returned from a choir trip, and we were excited to watch church online.

Monday and Tuesday I dove into making online or phone contact with students.  Some wanted to avoid me, but most were eager to set up a mentoring session via Zoom. It was exhausting, but productive. My own kids were likewise eager to finish their work and hang out together afterwards.

But Wednesday, I hit a wall. Emotionally. Physically. Everything. Late Tuesday night a colleague commented that she felt like we were out of school for the year. In my head I knew this was a possibility, but to hear someone say it was like a gut punch. Teaching students in person is hard y'all. It is hard to engage every student all day. But to engage students remotely? That is soooo much harder. There will always be those who do their work. But there are students who are already disengaged... all the more so when we aren't physically together.

If I am being honest, I am not so much upset about lost content and disengagement (which I am, but less so). I am mostly upset because I feel adrift and disconnected when I don't see students everyday. I miss them. I miss my colleagues. I miss the custodians and cafeteria workers. I miss the office staff. I miss my other home. I am homesick for them. I have wept over them.

My own children also hit their own walls at various times between Wednesday and Friday. They have grieved their losses like I have, and will likely continue to do so in their own ways. They miss their friends and teachers and routines too.

And have I mentioned I have been sick? More on that in a later post. Suffice it to say I am so, so tired. Which was honestly unexpected during NTI.

A weekend of rest came and went, and today I am back at it, working from home. Today my expectations are a little more tempered. Today my children are finding a groove. We will figure this out. We will find a way through this. We all may need therapy when it is over, but we will find our way.

New Normal

It's been a long time since I've blogged. A lot has changed. I have a full time job teaching. I have 3 teenagers in my house. We have a different house.  Half the links on my side bar no longer function. Lol.

But a lot has stayed the same. Tim is still working at the church. He is still my favorite. My kids still amaze me and crack me up and drive me bananas. Our parents are all healthy. All good things.

So why pick this up again and log in for the first time in almost 5 years? Because of our new normal. We, along with so many other people, are social distancing. If I use the word quarantine I might go crazy, so social distancing it is. And I desperately need a space to process this new normal. I don't know how long it will last, or what the world will look like when we re-emerge from this strange cocoon. I don't know if anyone will ever read this or how long I will use this as an outlet. But I know that blogging kept me sane when I was adopting. I would pour out my heart and my tears because this is how I express myself. And I am fighting for a way to put my thoughts and feelings into words that are not screaming craziness. I don't know. Sometimes my blogs might sound like screaming craziness. We shall see.

So if you run across this and want to read along, that's fine. But I am doing this for me. Because I need it. And I am fighting for a new normal that can sustain me for the long haul.

Recently Jack has been somewhat obsessed with some of his body parts that many little boys become obsessed with.  Yes, those body parts. 

One day as we were driving home we went over a bump, and he giggled and told me it had tickled his pen!s (word masked for crazy search engine results).  He then went on to ask me if various people in his life also had a pen!s.  Yes, your daddy has one. Yes, Ben has one. Yes, Will has one.  All questions that my other boys asked at the same age.

And then things got interesting.

Jack: Does Kate have a pen!s?
Me: No, she is a girl. She doesn't have one.
Jack: (Giggling uncontrollably) Yes, she does!  Everybody has one!
Me: (Trying reeeeally hard not to laugh) No, only boys have those.  Girls don't have one.
Jack: What about Aunt Table?  Does she have one?
Me: No, she doesn't have one either.  She is a girl.
Jack: What about you?  Do you have a pen!s?
Me: No, I am a girl. I don't have one either.

We drove on for another couple of minutes with him chattering away, but as we pulled into the driveway he asks me, "So you don't have a pen!s?"
Me: Nope, I sure don't.
Jack: You gonna get that fixed?

Let's just say he keeps us on our toes.

A Fall/Winter/Spring Photo Recap, Part 2

As I was saying, I missed a lot of stuff that has happened in the last few months.  Moving right along.

1. Will played piano in the school talent show in January.

2. It snowed again. We went sledding.

3. In March Jack had a spankin' new set of ear tubes put in.  All went well.  Home by lunch.

4. Ben placed second in the district Governor's Cup competition for social studies.

5. Kate took gymnastics.

6. Ben did a self portrait for the school art show.

7. Will rocked the conga drums at the third grade Arts and Humanities Night.

 And he danced to "Dynamite."  So awesome.

8. And the three big kids are taking swim lessons to work on strokes and diving.  Good stuff.

9. We celebrated Jack Yintao Day in April.  My little tiger got a new tiger hat.  How is it possible that he has been home two years?  And could he be any stinking cuter? 

 10. Jack decided on a new favorite pose for whenever I get the camera out.

We are all super happy that the snow is now behind us.  (Please, Lord, let it be behind us.)  And we are already making plans for a smashing summer. 

A Fall/Winter/Spring Photo Recap...Because I Haven't Blogged in a Million Years

This has been the longest winter in the history of winters.  Ever.  It snowed every month from November to April, and that is a lot of snow for this Southern girl!  I kept hoping the thermostat would get above 12 degrees and spring would arrive.  It took it's sweet little time, but it finally did. 

And you would think that all that indoor time would allow me to clean my house or blog or write a novel or something awesome, but all I wanted to do was curl up under three blankets and binge-watch television shows on the computer.  So that's mostly what I did.  Except when I was working on my graduate classes.  Or when the kids were home for snow days.  Which was a lot.  Really. On those days we spent a lot of time at the library.  I think the kids have read through every Peanuts and Garfield comic ever written.  And thank you local public library for having the sense to carry such wonder things in very large books.

So, what have I missed blogging about on the 182 days of snow? Everything.

1. Kate became an expert bike rider last fall, but I didn't manage to get a decent picture of it until November.  Because I am that awesome.

2. Kate's first grade class studied Chinese New Year and performed a ribbon dance for the whole school.  She was amazing, of course.

 3. My kids love each other, even when they are fighting like cats and dogs.  Unfortunately the cats and dogs thing is more common than not.  Thankfully I caught them on a day when they were all getting along.  (I am sure someone got whacked on the head minutes after I put the camera away.)

4. Did I mention it snowed a lot?  This was one of the early days before we actually got bored with snow.

5.  The three bigs were in the church Christmas play.  They sang together as a trio and were 1940's kids who also dressed up like wise men with lampshades and hub caps.  I can't remember why.

 6. We celebrated Christmas, of course!  (I think they have already grown about 2 inches each since I took this picture.)  The favorite gifts this year were video games, puzzles, and books. 

7. In January Will told us that he had accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior and wanted to be baptized.  We were thrilled and celebrated with him.  And Tim got to do the honors.  After which, we attempted to get a family photo, which only proved that we are not good at group shots.

8. It snowed some more. The kids built a snowman.

9. I celebrated my 20 year high school reunion.  It was awesome and weird at the same time.  That's what growing old is like.  And now you all know how old I am.  (I would post the group shot, but the photographer didn't push the button down hard enough.  I'm looking at you, Cooper.)

10.  Kate played basketball and had a blast doing it.

There is more, but for some reason the kids think I should fix dinner.  I guess they are hungry or something.  See, this is why I don't blog.  Next thing they will want clean clothes or something crazy like that.  Maybe I will write up the rest before the leaves fall off the trees.  Everyone hold your breath.

Happy Easter!

Christ is risen!

 He is risen indeed!

Jack was totally into the egg hunt this year and all about the candy!  Will and Kate of course wanted to beat each other at collecting the most eggs.  And Ben surprised me by still being really excited about finding eggs.  I don't know how much longer my pre-teen will want to do "kid" stuff, but I am thankful for days like today when we can worship and play as a family.