Wait

This post has been doing flip-flops in my head for several months, but honestly I haven't wanted to write it all out. My feelings on the topic are rather muddled, and I haven't been sure I want to be that transparent here. But I have decided it is time. It is consuming too much of my thoughts for me to not talk about it.

You see, Tim and I want to adopt again. That sounds straight forward enough, right? Back in November, we were both all gung-ho, and couldn't wait to get the process started. But then we hit a road block or two, and we had to put things on hold for a bit. Now, we are free and clear to start again, but we haven't done it.

And the truth is, I am the one holding us up. I am the one who has always wanted a house full of children and who is always dreaming of one more. I am the one who spends an obscene amount of time on Rumor Queen, stalking adoption blogs, and circling Waiting Child lists and Rainbow Kids.

But now, I seem to be frozen, and I'm not sure why. For one thing, I seem to be full of contradictions. One minute I find my children endearing and sweet, drinking them in and desiring to have more of them, and literally seconds later, I want to be free of them completely. Not that I would ever wish that I didn't have them (OK, well maybe for a second). It's just that sometimes I am ready to be done with this stage of life. Some days, I want to be at a place where they are more self-sufficient and I could do other things than give 100% of my time to them.

Then there are the days where I am just immobilized by grief. Not immobilized in my daily life, but in the adoption process. You would never know it to look at me, but some days I can't get past the fact that there is so much corruption in adoption. It grieves my very soul that there are places in the world where children lose their parents because of poverty. In our day and age, no family should have to be separated by poverty. It is one of the many reasons that I encourage everyone, no matter how much or little your family makes, to sponsor a child. Sponsoring a child through World Vision or Compassion International can keep families together by providing much needed food, shelter, and medical care to families who need them.

But I digress... Oh yes, my grief. And did you know that there are places in the world where corrupt adoption agencies and orphanages can go into villages and neighborhoods and literally coerce families to give up their children? They make promises of education and give false hope that the children will return to the village one day. They talk of the riches of America, as if that is something more important than the love of a mother and a father. And these "Christian" people steal these kids. Oh, how that just kills me. And there are other places where a parent might bring a child to an orphanage because they are having trouble providing for them. They intend for it to be short-term, and they visit regularly. But one day, they show up to see their child, and the child is gone. He has been adopted by an American or European family who has no clue that this child has parents already. Oh, my heart just breaks how these impoverished families are taken advantage of!

Of course, I know that not every adoption is corrupt, but far too many of them are. Far, far, too many. And while I have seen no evidence of corruption of this particular nature in China, there are still other things to grieve over. Loss of country, language, foster families, and everything they know, for starters. And I have first-hand experience with a grieving child. Oh, how it breaks my heart.

But I also have experience with a child who is so resilient and so loving and so amazing, that I wonder... what if? And I also know that even though the 147 million orphans figure is grossly inflated, there are still children out there who legitimately need families. If I could manage to get past my own fears, what then?

And so I pray. I ask God for direction and discernment. Because I don't have the answers to all this. I don't know if I have another son or daughter out there. I don't know if God has other plans for my life. So I am waiting. Because sometimes He says yes, sometimes no, and sometimes wait. And right now, I am hearing wait. But I am still praying that will change soon.

Guess what? (Tongues, Tubes, and Random Thoughts)

So, y'all remember how Kate can't lift her tongue up off the bottom of her jaw? How she can do side to side, but if she wants up and down, her little lower jaw has to carry it up there for her? And of course, I've surely told you about how when she came home, she couldn't really do anything with that little tongue or those lips, because she never sucked on a bottle or was asked to do anything with that sweet little mouth, because of her cleft. And how because of that, her speech has had a few roadblocks. Or maybe more than a few. And you remember how she has been in speech therapy for 19 months, working her little heart out on her oral-motor skills?

Well...

Woohoo!!!

Can you see the pride in that face? And she deserves every bit of it. And while we are at it, let's give Jennifer, our SLP a big pat on the back too:) She has spent many an hour in front of a mirror making silly faces with Kate NaNa.

And now that some of you are thoroughly grossed out by pictures of my daughter's tongue, an update on the ears.

Drum roll, please.... We saw the doctor this week, and after digging another mountain of wax out of her ear, he was surprised to find that the clot is clearing up. He said there is a small opening, and he suspects that if we continue with the drops 4x a day that it will continue to open up and the tube will be fully functional! Can I get an amen? Thank you to everyone who has been praying for this. And of course, to the One who answered.

I didn't tell Dr. M that I haven't been the most diligent ear dropper in the world because after our previous conversation I knew that if they cleared up at this point (after 5 weeks), it would be a God thing, not an ear drop thing. So, we are still using the ear drops, but only about half as much as we should. Why? First, see the previous comment about God. Second, after five weeks of daily drops, Kate NaNa is not the most cooperative patient. She is sick and tired of those things. And third, my memory is advanced well beyond my years. And I have what I am now calling "summer brain". It's like "baby brain" except it hits when you are so tired of working and being with your children 24/7 because they are at home instead of at school that you do things like forget to take them to piano practice.

So, we go back in a couple more weeks for another check-up. At which point I remember why we are thankful that Kate is a Commission patient.

And I continue to be thankful for her beautiful, and now strong, little tongue:)

Summer Confessions

I have been on my best behavior so far this summer, so I thought I would give you all the Top 10 list of things I would never do.

10. I did not lose my 3 year old at an amusement park.

9. I did not pretend to be asleep for an hour and a half while my children ran around like banshees.

8. I did not forget to take Ben to piano lessons. Twice.

7. I did not call my friend and tell her that she had to come save my garden because I didn't have time. Twice.

6. I did not selfishly convince my boys that having one big birthday party for both of them would be more fun than having two little parties. In reality the only difference will be that there will be two cakes.

5. I did not refuse to get in the lake with my children and play.

4. I did not throw my oldest son in the lake because he bonked me in the head with a noodle. Whereupon he did not cry and yell a lot.

3. I did not ignore my leaking toilet for an entire week so that my husband can fix it when he gets home.

2. I did not lose it completely and yell loudly and at length at my five year old while I was babysitting our two-year-old friend O. (Thankfully, her mother did not have to forgive me when I apologized.)

1. I did not confess to my mother that it is already time for my children to go back to school!


As Will would say, that was definitely a sarcasm.

And we aren't even halfway through the summer yet.

I need a hero.

Last week we went to an amusement park with Dad and Jee. We had a great day, overall, but there was one serious not-so-great episode. One part of the park is a water park, so we spent part of the day there. Ben and Dad enjoyed the slides, but the littles just wanted to hang out in the wading pool, which was completely packed.

It was super hot, so Will, Jee, and I were sitting in the shade while Kate played in a fountain, just feet from us. I was watching as she played, but at one point she walked behind a group of people, and I could no longer see her. I waited a few seconds for her to come back, but she didn't. Jee was closer, so she got up to spot her. I could see from Jee's face that she couldn't see her anywhere. I got up to help look, but after a minute of searching this very, very crowded pool, I started to get frantic.

I don't think I have ever been so terrified in my life. I was ready to have the lifeguard lock-down the front gate and go search under bathroom stall doors. Every horrible scenario ran through my head in about .5 seconds.

I had already observed how professional the lifeguards were, and had spotted the main lifeguard at her stand about an hour before. (When you have been a lifeguard, it is just habit to notice this stuff.) I ran over and got her, explaining that I had lost my 3 year old daughter. I described her completely, and said a prayer of thankfulness that I knew exactly what she was wearing, not to mention the fact that she was the only Chinese child I had seen in that particular area. Then I went back to my previous prayer which had been running non-stop in my head for about 4 minutes at this point, "Please, God, please, God, please, God..."

I stood there for another minute, praying and looking, when Will says, "There she is!"

"Where?!"

"On the other side!" Sure enough. There she was, dangling off the other side of the pool. She was in about 4 feet of water (she is not 4 feet tall), hanging onto the side. She wasn't upset in the least. She was just trying to go touch a rock that the boys had played on earlier. I'm still not sure how she even got over there.

Of course, when I got her in my arms, I gushed and tried to explain to her what had happened and how she mustn't wander off, but she had no idea she was lost in the first place. She thought I had been watching the whole time.

And then I grabbed Will, thanked him profusely, and told him he was my Superhero! He beamed, while Kate scowled because she didn't see what the big deal was. Will was extremely proud though, and reminded me several more times that he was my hero.

So the moral of the story is, lock them in the house and never let them out until they are 32.

OK. So that isn't the moral of the story, but it sure would be easier on my blood pressure and my sanity.

Ear tubes...again

You may recall that Kate NaNa got a spankin' new pair of ear tubes a few weeks ago. She did really well, but after the surgery, one of her ears started to bleed and the tube got clogged, despite the fact that we were using the drops as prescribed by Dr. M.

For the last two weeks we have continued to use the drops, in hopes that it would break up the clot.

It hasn't happened.

I am incredibly frustrated, and Kate is incredibly sick of having to lay on her side four times a day while I put drops in.

The doctor and I discussed our options and decided to give the drops a couple more weeks to let them work. He wasn't optimistic that anything would change, but it would give me some time to decide what to do next.

Because the next step is to either do nothing (he said he Eustachian tubes are working at the moment ~ i.e. no fluid in the ear) or go in and surgically remove the blocked tube and replace it.

I have no idea what to do. And I am tired. And frustrated. So would you all do me a huge favor? Would you pray for Kate NaNa and me? I am looking for clear direction here. As in, the tube gets un-clogged, or I see a billboard with instructions. (You laugh, but I actually got that once when I asked for it.)

I don't have a pretty bow to wrap up this post, but I will let you know how things go:)

I should have picked the zucchini.

A few days before we left for vacation, I had a list of things that needed to be done. One of those things was to clean up the garden. The weeds were taking over, and the zucchini needed to be picked. I ran out of sunlight, and that zucchini never got picked.


And then we were gone for ten days.

Yesterday morning I got up early to see what needed to be done. This is what I found.

Since that is all of them in a big pile, let me lay them out for you (minus one big'un in the above pic that I gave away.) The four on the right are normal sized zucchini. About the size of my hand. The three on the left, not so much.

I still don't think that picture did them justice. Let's see how big they are in relation to Ben's head.

Still not getting it? Here it is, next to my adult-sized leg.

It's the same size and shape as my calf, knee to ankle.

It weighs 3.6 pounds.

Never in my life have I seen a zucchini this big. And I have two of them (not counting the one I gave away), plus the other small ones. I have no idea what to do with them, or if it will even taste good. If you sliced it up, the slices would be the approximately diameter of lunch meat. I don't think vegetables are supposed to be this big.

Happy Father's Day, Tim

On Wednesday, while we were on vacation, my oldest son prayed and asked Jesus to come into his heart.
Today, Ben was so excited. He was literally hopping up and down with joy.
So, on Father's Day, my husband had the great privilege of baptizing Benjamin.
Happy Father's Day, Tim. Could you have asked for a better gift?

(As you can see, some of the kids were really excited. They were sitting on the floor, but they couldn't stand it and all crowded around for a better view:)